Phillipa was always the type of person who would be there for others, as much as she could. When people would express what they were going through, seeing others posting on the friend - like sites. As they would reach out, discussing their lives and their health issues as a need of wanting to let others know about things as a way of reaching out. As it is after all, a human need.
Unlike other people on the various sites, Phillipa didn’t tell people about her everyday life issues. How the impact of everything that she was experiencing would build up and consume her at different times. Leaving her, with only a feeling of emotional suffocation, as her eyes would fill to the brim with tears.
Tears flowing like a waterfall.
She never could quite explain, that she needed the connection too. How she needed someone to say to her… “It’ll be okay, you’ll be okay. Because, i’m here for you. Your in my thoughts. If you need me, don’t hesitate. Try not to worry so much, as things can be worked through. Whatever it is, we can sort it. Just remember you are not alone.” But there was no one saying these words to her. There were no genuine feelings of comfort. No one to understand anything. As no one was there, for Phillipa.
Either friend nor family member, not really. Not when it truly came down to it. No one there too open up to and discuss those things with, from day to day.
As everyone seemed to have someone. Someone to connect with, someone there who understood things, at least some of the time.
Her friends and siblings all had someone. Even her man- child now had that too.
So with an added feeling of being like a gooseberry, things were beginning to set themselves in stone.
Then to add insult to injury, when she’d read all of these out pours of genuine help and support for other people, on the media sites. Her heart would feel a great heavy feeling of saddness, like a dead weight. Which brought with it a feeling of loneliness, at times.
Phillipa, was the one who would wear the brave face, to keep things together as much as she could. Constantly trying, to find ways to cope with her own and most varied life issues. As she had always learned to keep them on a low burner, with others. For everyone around her, always seemed to need some support of some kind, in some way or another.
So the tears would fall silently from her eyes, when she was alone, in her house in her living room. With a box of tissues at her side. Even at times, randomly those tear drops would start to show when she was out of the house to, these days. As she would try to keep those tears back as she was walking along the street.
Sometimes she felt like, she just wanted to pour out all of her inner emotions and simply express that she was human too. Just like everyone else.
To express that she also needed support, just like everyone else. That she was living with numerous issues ranging from her finances to her health. That she, felt like it was all to much to cope with, sometimes.
That she needed someone to talk t, like everyone else.
Someone, got her to have a laugh with. Yo be able to cry on someone else’s shoulder, for a change.
For no one, is super human, that’s only in the movies.
Phillipa, was sick and tired of being so understanding and supportive towards everyone else’s needs. Only because, the balance of give and take was now showing all of it’s cracks and it was so very draining.
She had life challenges, just like any other human being. She too could feel
such emotional hurt, such emotional pain. Her everyday internal sadness was lacking and missing the zest for it’s heart.
As some weeks previously Phillipa, had reached a huge milestone in her life. When she turned half a century. She’d had a few cards from family members, which was nice. Yet, her local and long-standing friendships, some who had known her for 20 years and 30 years plus. Didn’t even bother to send her a birthday card.
Her birthday itself, felt like a bit of a wash out to. So all in all, it felt like a bit of a rubbish day.
It’s funny, how sometimes you think that you mean, something to someone. Then at other times, when you feel that you need that meaning to be proved in some way, through it’s true worth with it’s own authenticity to your own life.
You can so suddenly become, so greatly disappointed. Where you once truly believed, that you had great friendships with true meanings in life. The reality is found to be, a complete let down.
So your continue in your own day to day world, where you just keep plodding on. You continue to do those everyday things. Trying your hardest, pushing yourself forwards, bit by bit.
Each day, in your own way, you learn to deal with things, as best as you can.
Although, people around you, don’t really ask, how things are. Even though when those bad days, feel so very long. Those are the days, when those every day struggles become a whole lot worst.
So that help, encouragement and support, doesn’t reach out to you as widely. As you see and feel it does for those others around you. Such is life.
Phillipa, would often feel at times, like fish, in a fish bowl.
Forever swimming around in circles. Seeing only the same view and nothing more. So she learned that she needed to be, her own hero. Her own best friend. Giving herself, that veil of comfort and protection, as and when she could.
Finally realising that life was now, as it was. As it was only really herself, that she could truly rely on.


(29/01/24)


© Josephine Daniels.