Ten minutes later, Noah alerted while tugging Mom's jacket, "Mom, I have to use the restroom." I started to notice the sky turn a slight gloomy grey as I kept pacing, waiting for Dad to return. It's probably just my imagination. I reassure myself.
"Come sweetheart," she waved over to me. We then followed the large sign labeled 'Restrooms'. After we had finally found the restrooms, I glanced towards the other trails and then faced the sky. Are we the only ones here? I questioned. Perhaps we took a less crowded route? I asked the sky above for answers, but I never received any. Suddenly, the grey clouds completely dominated the partially blue sky, and it instantly started to rain. The cool, heavy rainfall cut me out of my daze.
"Mom!" I called knocking on the steel bathroom door. "It started raining!" I held onto the railing beside me as the wind picked up speed. My long brunette hair couldn't keep still with the harsh weather. The door opened, moments later, only to reveal my worried and terrified looking mother and little brother. She gasped and tugged me inside.
As she shut the door behind us, Noah asked shakily, "Is Dad here yet?" I just shook my head, not trusting my voice to reply normally. At that moment, I prefered to act calmly, but deep down I was already broken. Sometimes it is better to feign calmness, even if you know you are far from it. Everyone is battling their own emotions everyday. The raging war inside, chaos and fear, threatening to overtake your senses completely. In that moment, I grasped the thin thread of sanity and calmness I had within and pulled myself out of my trace. Yes, that is exactly what I did. I didn't pay attention to the fear inside of me. I stood in the middle of the bathroom, examining my surroundings. Noah waddled towards the corner and cried. Mom pulled out her phone, but defeatedly put it back into her pocket. Mom was then pacing. It was usual for her to do this. She had done it before. In fact, whenever she tried to figure out a solution.
She stopped, stared straight at me and warned, "Don't open the door for any reason. Stay right here with your brother, while I search for your father."
A tear, which I fought to maintain within, slid down my cheek, "I don't think that's a good idea. Mom-".
She interrupted me before I finished my sentence, "Promise me that you'll listen to me." I knew she was stubborn, but so am I.
“We can find another way. We can-”.
Yet, again, she cut off my sentence, not willing to hear what I had to say, “No, I am not putting you and your brother at risk. I can’t let you two get lost too or, even worse, hurt. Stay here and comfort your brother. If anything happens, don’t forget that I will always love you.”
“No Mom, please don’t go,” I begged her to stay. I cannot fathom another separation.
She placed one delicate hand on my shoulder, the other softly caressing my check. “This is difficult for me too sweetheart, but I will do anything within my power to make sure my family is safe. Promise me you’ll stay here with your brother.”
There's no point in arguing with her further. Her brown eyes grew slightly larger and glistened as she waited for my response.
A few tears escaped mine. "I promise," I whispered softly, not even sure she heard or not. She pulled me into a tight embrace and whispered reasurings to me. I clung onto her for dear life, not wanting to let go. Even from inside, I could tell that the wind's roaring seemed to get stronger every moment. She pulled away first. I could not gather the will to let go of her, to be the one to pull away first. She then went towards the corner where my brother had curled himself into and repeated the same conversation.
She made her way to the door and turned around. Her eyes were brimmed with tears, yet she maintained her gaze steady and firm. She then stated in a brittle voice, "Be brave." Next thing I knew, she opened the door and went straight into the storm. I couldn't focus on my surroundings. All I could do was ponder through the situation, the warnings I denied to pay attention to earlier . . . the list was endless. The only repeating thought that seemed to come back to me every time was of being at risk of losing the people I love. Unsure of what to do next, I went towards my brother, who had not risen from his corner, and hugged him tightly. I hugged him, not only to make him feel safe, but also to make me feel as if everything was alright. I just willed myself, imagining that we all were safely at home, trying to go back to the nights when he used to crawl into my bed after nightmares. If I lose them both today, I thought while sobbing into my brother, it's my fault. I rocked us back and forth for what had seemed like hours, repeating the same thought. Could I ever be forgiven for all the mistakes I’ve made? For the way I simply shrugged the signs? For the outcome of my careless actions? I truly hope so. Eventually, I let go of the thought and sleep transported me to a much safer, peaceful world. One where I was at home with both of my parents, without a worry. I wake up to a rustle of wrappers in the far left corner. I opened my eyes, still exhausted from the brief nap, only to spot my brother searching through my mother's backpack.
"What are you looking for?" I asked groggily, still half asleep.
I accompanied my brother as he replied, showing me some crackers, "Something to eat, but I have only found these." Immediately, I felt remorse. My backpack that I forgot had all the food, I remembered, and the drinks, and maps that could have let us find our way back towards one another.
I sighed deeply and sobbed."The backpack that Dad went back for was mine. It had all the food, drinks, First-Aid kit, and maps. It's all my fault; I'm sorry!" I pleaded for forgiveness.
Noah sympathetically acknowledged, "It's not your fault, but if it makes you feel better, I forgive you." I wrapped him in my shaking arms, a gesture of 'thank you'. After about five minutes, I let him go since my arms were throbbing from holding him so tightly and partially to let him breathe more comfortably. He offered some crackers, but I declined. I should not make anyone suffer more than I have already. I reminded myself. He is all I have at the moment and I am not willing to take more away from him. Hours went by, and the raging storm came to a graduate stop. There were no rain drops to be heard from above, nor the howling of the wind. Should I go out to seek help, myself? I pondered. I remembered my mom telling me to be brave but also to stay here with my brother. I pondered for a second, Wouldn’t being brave mean to let go of fear and take initiative for once, instead of doing what is comfortable at the moment. The storm seemed to have stopped, I evaluated the situation, and the bravest, yet reasonable, thing to do right now is to seek our own help. I gathered the scattered objects from the tiled floor and placed them into Mom's backpack. "Where are we going?" Noah questioned circling around me. "Mom said to stay here," he recalled.
"Well, what other choice do we have?" I told him cautiously. "We can't stay here forever, Noah." I closed the backpack and secured it on my back. Surprisingly, it wasn't as heavy as I had imagined. "Come on," I insisted, tugging Noah outside. It seems as if a storm didn’t even happen with the exception of a few stray clouds and the wet ground, I acknowledged. The rain stopped, but the wind was somewhat calmer. I held Noah as close as I could. I felt as if I would let go, we would get separated. Just like Mom and Dad, I pondered sadly. After walking for a few minutes, two tall Park Rangers approached us.
“Don’t worry kids, we are going to help you,” one of them reassured.
“Your father has been very worried about you two,” the other commented.
“Is he okay?” I asked anxiously.“Is Mom okay too?”
“Your father is alright; however, we can’t locate your mother,” added Ethan, as his name tag stated.
“Don’t worry, we’ll find her soon,” Alex, whose name was written on his name tag, added.
“Let’s get you two kids safely to your Dad,” Ethan sympathetically replied. Ethan and Alex led us to our cabin. Clearly, I pondered, they had memorized the way. Something I, yet again, failed to do.
Once we made it to the cabin, Dad, with his jet black hair wet, rushed over to us and held us tightly in his grasp, as if reassuring himself that we were actually standing before him. “I was worried sick about you two . . . where is your mother?” Dad asked repeatedly.
“She went to search for you since you never arrived,” I answered gloomily. As soon as those words left my mouth, he gave Noah and I another bone shattering, but sweetful, embrace.
Alex noted, “Don’t worry, she’ll be with you soon.”
Ethan commented over his radio, “Rangers, we rescued the missing children, but the mother was nowhere to be found. Please, remember this, and continue the search. Any further information is to be informed immediately.” After that message was broadcasted, silence took over the cabin and we released each other from the supportive hug. I’m pretty sure we all shed silent tears, but no one seemed to have acknowledged them. Right at that moment, all that was important was making sure my mother was alright. As we sat closely together on the couch, I couldn’t help but remember the last time we sat there, together as a complete family. It didn’t seem as if it was yesterday, we were all eager to go trekking. If only we had known what the trip would bring, I wondered, we wouldn’t even have come! We wouldn’t have to deal with any of this! I could have never caused this! The truth is, I was angry and frustrated with myself. I couldn’t get past the haunting thought that it was all my fault. I tried my best not to cry, but the more I held them in, the more difficult it became. I did not know how long I had been sitting on the grey couch, but the rangers still didn’t communicate with us through the radio they had left us. As if on cue, an orotund voice boomed through the radio. It was Ethan. “Don’t lose hope, guys… but… we found a trace of blood smeared across a very large rock nearby. It may not even be hers.” Ethan continued to go on and on about the possibilities that the trace was not hers, but I stopped listening. I couldn’t focus on anything, except the ringing inside of my ears and my mind screaming. The beast within me demanded to be heard, and I was powerless to deny it any longer. I felt on the verge of passing out, but after a few minutes the internal ringing and screaming stopped. At this point, I still had hope. I kept repeating, I hope she is okay, to myself over and over again. It became tiring, but I continued anyway, repeating the words as if it were my own sacred prayer. Sooner than later, the sun peeked out from the darkness of the clouds. It illuminated the entire room, slowly, but surely. I peered over to the large window, and thought, my mom used to say that the sun always comes out, even after the darkest storms. A smile formed on my face, but it diminished as quickly as it came. I wasn’t even aware that I had started to shed more tears, in fact, I felt nothing at all, a numbness had overtaken my body and mind. Deep down, I knew she would be here eventually. Peering through the window, I noticed that the cold darkness replaced the warm sunshine. It seemed as if the sun hadn’t even risen in the first place.
Suddenly, the radio roared with life as Alex’s sad and sympathetic voice whispered among the silence, “We found her…” The silence engulfed us once again. Something’s wrong, I worried, I could tell by his voice. Why doesn’t he tell us? It had seemed as if Dad read my mind.
“Is she okay,” He asked, desperate for an answer. I held my breath, waiting for a response. The radio went silent.
Alex cleared his throat before replying, “No, when we found her she was unresponsive. We’re sorry, but there was nothing left to do.”
No it can’t be! Why! This was the answer we all denied to accept. Noah kept his grasp tighter on my father as they cried into each other.
“It’s all my fault!” I screamed in between sobs while pacing around the room. “If I didn’t want to come here in the first place, she would not have…”
“Don’t blame yourself,” my father interrupted, “the truth can be hurtful and brutal, but now we can’t do anything to change that fact. She’s gone, but she will continue to live on as long as we remember her and cherish the memories we had with her.”
Memories we had with her, I thought, like when we had weekly picnics in my secret spot in the woods or when she used to read stories to me before bed when I was younger. Just thinking about those moments I could never share with her again gave my heart a sharp pang. "You just don't understand, it was my fault," I insisted in a brittle voice.
"Maybe there was more we could have all done or maybe not,” he whispered as he came up to me and dried my tears using the back of his thumb, “but we just have to learn how to live with the grief and guilt. It won’t be easy, but with time we heal wounds. Although we will bear the scars, it will serve as a reminder of everything we’ve gone through and the greatest pain we have endured. They are symbols of strength.”
I closed my eyes. I took this into consideration and pondered over and over again. Could I ever be forgiven for all the mistakes I’ve made? For the way I simply shrugged the signs? For the outcome of my careless actions? But now, I found my answer. Sometimes the only forgiveness we need is our own. I truly want to be forgiven. I truly think I can be. But now, I truly believe it.

© Shadow_4610