It doesn't matter what I do, I'm still not good enough. I could put something nice on and make myself beautiful, but still I'm not good enough. You see right though me, what's the point in trying? I see what you want and it's not really me. I go take along shower, with a razor blade in hand. The line's are so thin, the line's are not deep and you still don't see that I started self-harm again. All my life with guys, none of them ever appreciate what they had or still have, so why am I still here? Just to suffer? If I could be the size he truly wants, I would do it in a heartbeat! But I can't, so I'm the one that has to suffer, with a body no one appreciates. I started to realize, I'm nothing great. I don't blame him wanting other girls. I been trying to stay out of his sight, because I'm not what he wants to look at. I feel ugly, unattractive, unwanted and that I don't deserve love. If love is even real anymore. It doesn't matter, I don't deserve anything, except having my heartbroken. I understand, no one can't handle someone like me. That's been molested, raped, used and abused in different ways. I know I'm hard to love, but it doesn't mean every guy has to hurt me, just because I don't know how to heal yet from everything that has happened to me. I'm going to stop writing, people always think that I'm complaining. I'm not! I'm just hurting inside and trying to heal and escape from everything. I'm alone, even on here I'm alone. I want to completely give up, but I can't because I have children that needs me. If it wasn't for my children, I would of been dead long time ago. I'm trying to stay strong, even though that is all I ever did since I was 3.
© Charlotte B.