“Ugh!” Alfie grimaced as he pulled yet another sticky paper out of one of the many filing cabinets in his office. This one seemed to be covered in some weird-smelling jam, was it cranberries?
“Hey-yoooo!” Jack’s voice erupted from the door. He was again in one of his happy moods, which were typical to whenever it was time to torture somebody. Alfie only hoped that it wasn’t his turn again, he already had to go through the pain of being burned alive this morning. He could still taste the smoke in his mouth.
“I heard Jacintha treated you fairly.” Jack smiled, nodding his head at Alfie’s burned clothes. Alfie nodded, trying to suppress a shiver down his spine - Jacintha was way worse than Jack ever seemed to be. “Anyway,” the devil continued, “she was saying that you wanted to talk to me about something? If it’s about the punishment, I’m sorry, can’t help you with that, like I’ve said, you’re in Hell for a reason and you have to-”
“It’s not about the punishment,” Alfie interrupted quickly. He didn’t want to look like he was afraid of the consequences of what he did when he was alive. “I have an idea about organizing these files better and wanted to run it by you.”
Jack, who still had his left hand raised from gesticulating and then being interrupted, smiled at the elf. “Oh, really?” he said, impressed, lowering the hand. “What is it about? You know what? Let’s go to my office and talk about it!”
With that being said, Jack turned around and left the elf by himself. Alfie put the papers he was holding down with haste and ran after the devil. He arrived into his office just as Jack was taking a seat at his massive desk, with a pen and a notebook, looking ready to talk business with his personal assistant.
“So what ideas do you have?” he asked, looking down at his opened notebook, while Alfie took the chair in front of him.
“I was thinking we could use technology to store all the souls’ files and folders. It would be tidier and easier to access. At this moment, if you ask me to find somebody’s file I won’t be able to locate it in that jungle of filing cabinets!” Alfie said breathlessly, afraid the devil might interrupt him.
Jack put his left elbow onto his desk and leaned his chin into his left palm. He looked past the elf, deep in thought for a few moments, then a grimace appeared on his face. Alfie swallowed hard - Jack didn’t seem to like his idea.
“To be honest, I do not like computers,” Jack finally said, and Alfie was able to exhale again. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath while waiting for the devil to answer.
“Oh, it’s not going to be stored on computers!” Alfie said breathlessly. “I was thinking about getting tablets, they are easier to hold and carry around.”
“Oh…” the devil muttered, taken by surprise. “Are they hard to handle?”
“No, they’re very intuitive!” Alfie defended the technology. “And also phones, for you to communicate with you devils, without having to move from your office!”
“Yeah, it all sounds great and all, but I won’t be able to see what they’re doing!” Jack argued, taking his head off his palm and waving his hands aimlessly. “I will have to trust that they’re doing what they’re saying, and to be honest, between you and me,” Jack leaned in towards the elf and whispered: “I don’t trust those idiots.”
Alfie smiled and tried to suppress a giggle as he answered: “You can video call them. Then you’ll be able to see what they’re doing.”
Jack leaned back into his chair, dropping the pen on the table. Again he looked beyond Alfie’s chair, at an empty glass case he had on the wall next to the door. He sighed, but then he seemed to remember he had a person sitting in front of him and got upright. He interlaced his long fingers on the table, while looking the elf straight in the eyes.
“So you tell me, I won’t have to move an inch from this office, but I’ll be able to know what all my devils are doing at all times and have all the souls’ files at my fingertips?” he asked, not believing what his assistant had said.
Alfie nodded before he opened his mouth to say anything. “Yes, sir. I can organize everything, get all the phones and tablets ready to go, and could even manage your calendar and appointments from them!”
“Amazing!” Jack whispered. “Will you teach me how to use this technology?” he then asked the elf.
“Definitely!” Alfie smiled, relieved that the devil accepted his idea. He knew it would be a lot of work to upload all the files onto a database, but that was still better than going through filing cabinets where all the papers were mixed, or moldy, or torn to pieces. He looked at Jack, grateful, then got up and said: “I need to go and source the tablets and phones!”
“No need to stress about that,” Jack answered, raising his right palm to stop him from leaving. “How many of these tablets and phones do you need?” he said, but didn’t wait for his assistant to answer. With a snap of his fingers Jack was able to make hundreds of brand new phones and tablets appear in his office. Alfie watched everything without blinking, not believing what his eyes were seeing. “One for me, one for each devil and one for you, right?” Jack asked. Alfie nodded - he couldn’t think of anything to say.
“Alright,” Jack said, raising his hands in front of him like he was pushing an imaginary wall, “I’ve done my bit of work and now it’s up to you to set them all up, bring them to the devils and then you have to teach me how to use my phone and tablet.” he said, leaning back in his chair.
The next day found both the devil and Alfie in the Great Hall, with their tablets all set up and ready to go.
“Dammit, I cannot with this technology!” Jack erupted in the middle of the room. For a second Alfie thought he saw smoke coming out of the devil’s nostrils. He was tapping furiously on the brand new tablet, looking like he was about to punch the screen at any moment.
“Here, sir” Alfie interjected before the tablet got smashed, “you need to press this button here, this is what will light up the screen. Then you can unlock it and start browsing through the files.”
“Oh,” Jack replied, surprised, “I thought I could just tap it and it would light up!” he said, holding now the lit-up tablet at arms lengths and pulling a pair of glasses out of his chest pocket. Once the glasses were on Alfie couldn’t help but look at the devil’s mannerisms and compare him to how his mother used to look at her phone. “Oh, okay, this is good, I’m getting the hang of this!” Jack said smiling, while swiping left and right between the apps.
“So what I did, sir, for now,” Alfie said, making sure the devil knew this was temporary, “I took pictures of the files and organized them by soul. So if you need to know some information about a person you just search their name here,” he pointed at a search bar within the application, “and all related files and documents will pop up for you to read.”
“That’s impressive, Alfie the Elf!” Jack said, clearly surprised by the elf’s organization skills. “But you said ‘for now’, does that mean this is all temporary?”
“The pictures, yes.” Alfie explained. “I plan to type everything in, so the files will be easier to read than a picture.”
“I must confess,” Jack said, typing Alfie’s name into the search bar, “I am quite impressed with what you’ve done here! All the files in one system, easy to access for us devils, and the phones to be able to communicate with one another! You’re making my job easier, now I don’t even need to leave my office to check on things!” the devil said, delighted.
Alfie’s chest puffed with pride at the compliment he received, while Jack looked through Alfie’s files. “Yup, everything’s there” he said, eventually. “I thought you’d try to pull a sneaky on me and hide certain files from your folder,” Jack winked at Alfie. His gaze then got stuck on a person behind the elf.
“Hey! You!” the devil exclaimed suddenly, pointing at a man in military uniform. “Are you sure you’re in the right place?”
The man, caught off guard, stopped on the spot and looked at the devil with a terrified, but deeply sad face. He shrugged, looking like the embodiment of somebody who gave up asking questions like that and just accepted his fate.
“What’s your name?” Jack asked, taping the search bar. A keyboard appeared on the screen and the devil stared at it, waiting for the man to speak. The uniformed man looked from Jack to Alfie and back. Alfie smiled encouragingly, silently urging him to answer before the devil got impatient, which happened a lot.
“Mark Jensen.” the man replied, “Ex-navy Seals, sir” he continued, saluting the devil.
“An ex-navy seal in Hell,” Jack said, tapping on the brand new tablet. “Ah, there you are!” he exclaimed when his search yielded results. “So, you fought in Afghanistan, bla bla bla….Oh, you were given the Medal of Honor post-mortem, because you jumped on a grenade to protect your team. Very heroic!” Jack said, a frown forming on his face, looking almost disgusted by the man’s selfless act. “Why the hell are you in Hell?” the devil asked, and then giggled at how he formulated the question, as he scrolled down Mark’s file. “Ah, there it is!” Jack exclaimed eventually, startling Alfie. “I thought you ended up in here by mistake, but guess what?” the devil asked, turning to his elf assistant. Alfie shrugged and waited for Jack to answer. Jack inhaled deeply, a smile forming on his face, “He raped a 14 year old girl!”
Alfie shuddered at the thought of a poor girl struggling to escape the veteran.
“And you got away with it too!” the devil continued, looking impressed with the man. “Well, you got away with it on Earth, here it’s a different story. Come along now, it’s lunchtime and I’ll take you to the cafe all the criminals eat at!” Jack continued as he started walking.
Both Alfie and the veteran had to run to keep up with the devil who seemed glad he had another soul in Hell. He had his devious smile on his face and a spring in his step as he was explaining to the veteran:
“In Hell it’s just like in prison: you don’t tell people what you’re in for. Especially since you raped a minor. They might be criminals, but they do hate people who hurt children!” Just as he finished saying that, Jack stopped in front of a door with a sign that said “Cafe”. Beyond the partially opened door there were tables scattered all over the floor, a large bar at the back of the room and people everywhere. Some had tattoos all over their bodies and faces, some were wearing swastika bands around their arms, some had different gang signs plastered all over their clothing. None of them looked friendly. Both Alfie and the Mark the veteran watched in complete silence as the scene unfolded before them. Jack, on the other hand, was looking around the room delighted, searching for someone.
“Hey, everybody,” the devil raised his voice and the room went quiet, “fresh meat!” Jack said pointing to the veteran. “Greg,” he then turned towards a man with a gang sign tattoo on his temple, “you might recognize this man, he raped your daughter when she was 14!”
The hardened criminal looked at the veteran from top to bottom, then got up, pointing a finger at him angrily. Once he was standing Alfie noticed that despite Mark’s strong muscular build, Greg was taller than him. He whimpered and took a step back, leaving the veteran to face the angry man.
“I thought you looked familiar when you entered the room,” he said approaching the veteran, “you were our neighbour right up until Mikayla turned 15, then you disappeared all of a sudden. YOU RAPED MY DAUGHTER?” the man’s voice rose up until it was a scream. The whole cafe was silent, everybody watching the two men.
Jack was standing on the side, gently clapping his hands, delighted with the turn of events.
“Wanna make a bet?” the devil whispered to Alfie.
“What bet?”
“I bet you the veteran is gonna kick Greg’s ass.”
“No way,” Alfie answered, “he’s very angry, looks like he’s about to eat the veteran alive!”
“Oh, my dear Alfie,” Jack said dramatically, “you still haven’t learned that rage, hate and other negative emotions can make you blind in a fight, while Mark will stay level-headed. He’s a trained fighter, who’s probably been in similar situations before and can stay calm.”
“Rage and hatred might make you blind,” Alfie answered watching the two men circle and measure each other up, “but it will also give you a surge of adrenaline and more strength than you can even imagine!” he continued, getting eager for the fight to start.
“Deal!” Jack answered. “If I win, you have to babysit the little devils for a whole day.” Alfie shivered at the thought of babysitting those devils - they were vicious and hard to handle. He did stick his hand out to shake Jack’s and said:
“If I win, I get your lunch for today!”
Jack shook Alfie’s hand with the right, while putting his left at his chest, visibly impressed and surprised by the elf’s attitude.
“My, my! You learn fast! Okay, I’ll give you my maggot-free sandwich!” the devil giggled, still confident that he would win the bet.
The two men were still walking in a circle, measuring each other. The veteran seemed confident, as he kept stretching in preparation for the fight, while Greg kept opening and closing his fists with anger. At one point, Mark thought he had a second to spare, bent over to stretch his legs and what happened next was so fast Alfie thought he blinked and missed everything. But he didn’t - the fight was just that short: Greg kicked Mark’s skull, and Mark fell to the ground, unconscious. There was a small pool of blood forming around the veteran’s head, while Greg spat on him and walked away, muttering curse words and insults. Everybody in the cafe returned to what they were doing before the fight started. Jack let out a long sigh, turned around and started walking towards the exit door. Alfie followed him, still shocked by how fast the fight was over.
“Will the veteran be okay?” the elf asked, worried.
“He’ll be fine,” Jack sighed again, “He’ll get up tomorrow brand new. He just has to go through today with a concussion, or a cracked skull, or whatever Greg gave him.”
Just as the devil and Alfie were leaving the cafe, Bertha was trying to push the food cart in through the door. While Alfie moved to the side to let the old lady come in, Jack kept walking, like he didn’t even notice the large cart with piles and piles of food trying to get in.
“This is mine!” he said as he was passing by Bertha. He picked up a tupperware with his name on it and gave it a look before turning towards the assistant he left behind in the cafe.
“Here, you earned it!” Jack said, handing the elf his sandwich. Alfie took it, grateful that for once he won’t have to eat maggots. “You need to come by my office after lunch and show me how to work this damn tablet!” Jack added, pointing to his brand new device that he had put in the belt of his pants for safe-keeping.
“Yes, sir, “ Alfie said, looking down at his lunch. “But what are you going to eat now?”
Jack’s laugh echoed around the halls. “I don’t need food!” he said between laughs, “I only eat it to piss you guys off. I’m the only one who gets fresh food with no maggots in it!”
“Oh…”
“Angels and fallen angels, like myself, don’t need food to survive.” Jack explained, turning serious. “We feed off energy and emotions. Angels feed off good emotions, like happiness, gratitude, hopefulness” Jack grimaced, “while us, devils, feed off rage, hatred, guilt, depression, etcetera.” he continued, waving his hand to let Alfie know that the list could go on and on. “That’s why we torture people in here, while up there,” Jack pointed towards the ceiling, “they’re pampered and told they matter” he grimaced, looking like he was mocking somebody he knew. “Anyway, you now have” he looked at his wristwatch, “only 20 minutes left of your lunch break. Better get to the Great Hall fast, eat your sandwich and get back to work. I’m expecting to see you no later than 2 p.m. in my office.”
Alfie nodded, feeling excited about lunch for the first time since he arrived in Hell. He followed the devil into the Great Hall, without being bothered to question for even a second why Jack kept his hand on the elf’s shoulder all the time.
“Hey guys!” the devil exclaimed as they reached the hall, “Look what this guy is having for lunch!” he pointed at Alfie’s tupperware, still with the ‘Jack’ name tag on it. Thousands of eyes turned to the elf and looked from his face to the sandwich and back at his face again. Alfie felt a knot forming in his stomach. He swallowed hard, before trying to give the sandwich back to the devil.
“No, no,” Jack said with a big smile on his face, “you earned that!” he continued loud enough for other people to hear.
Before Alfie could run and hide Jack put both his hands on the elf’s shoulders to stop him. The people from the Great Hall were slowly gathering around, all of them with their eyes on the prize - that damn tupperware with Jack’s sandwich in it.
“See you at 2 p.m. in my office!” Jack said with a sweet voice, as he backed out of the group of people that gathered around them, leaving Alfie to defend himself and his lunch alone.
As he was walking towards his office, Jack smiled, hearing Alfie’s screams for help.
“Lunch is served, Jack!” the devil said to himself as he opened his office door and stepped in.

© diana.b
#fiction #humour #fantasyfiction #fantasy-fiction