Today morning too I got up late.as soon as I checked the time,I gasped..! not that iam never late but I should try to go early atleast..as they say...I go to washroom and take my time. then I come back,eat breakfast,and my mom comb's my hair,I tie my shoe and I again check time,only to find it's 9:00 already!shit!..

after I come out from my house,I find iam now less panic..it's no surprise that iam not bothered..iam always late and now even teachers might be less caring...huh! how I wish myself to be a place where there will be lot of people to love me and take care of me and my feelings...but there are none..!

I slowly walk, adjusting my almost-torn-bag, and keep walking as I ignore the stares people giving me, with me wearing a sweater in a hot weather...how can I explain to someone how I feel about my body?...as I increase my pace, I see a little dog, all hungry and dirty. but this doesn't mean it's dangerous and I should not afraid of him...but no matter what I think, somewhere in my mind,iam afraid of him...he give me this look that can't be explained but I can still see,even he is afraid of me somewhere...only If i can do anythingthing about it...

Now,iam half way through the school, I find myself near the walking garden. oh, how I love walking..!! I see a old couple jogging and laughing light-hearted-ly..I envy them..but I wonder too, if I can be that fit in my future? and will there be anyone to accompany me for a walk?like them?..I don't know...

finally, I reached school..but I don't know how to go inside..I mean,it's four years since iam studying here and I still get nervous... because I always feel embarss..here most of the kids are happy and jolly and not to mention so fit and fine... but me? iam so....unfit. and that's why I wear a sweater which helps me hide..even from my family....if you know what I mean...

I entered the building and walking upstairs to the first floor..iam scared and nervous like hell!! this is my last and important year and I still come late..I wish there was atleast one person to understand me..but maybe I don't deserve? huh..!!

I knocked the door three or four times now and iam still waiting outside anxiously...if principal sees me, he would definitely give me punishment of running in the terrace. and only I know, why I don't want that punishment..so I knocked again and was watching my surroundings,when the door opened to reveal our class moniter( who always sits at first bench and always a topper..well iam not jealous of her for being a topper but for the reasons I would explain later)and I smile nervously at her.she smile back and open the door wider for me.

I entered the class taking the permission with the teacher..it's sometimes physics the first period or maths. but iam least bothered. now it's maths ma'am and she nodded her head in approval. I entered. as soon as I entered, my eyes always went to my crush...and obviously the person he sits beside..I don't understand my feelings..why I always want his attention like a mad puppy when he clearly shows how much he hates me...I should be aware of my self-respect..then I go to sit at my permanent place..I sigh...it's always like that...I have to sit at the corner in third bench, always..HELL!..

i always feel sleepy in classes which iam not interested in. I keep reminding myself that they are important but..just..this is how my mind works...iam suprised myself..

and after 3 periods, it's recess..ugh! I hate this time.. weather I wish or not I have to go washroom to fix my make up by applying fair and lovely and lip balm and kajal.. nobody says me to do that but iam very much self-conscious about my looks and I know how ugly it is...so I always do that and sometimes iam jealous to see the preetier faces I find in washroom some with my classmates... nobody do this shit except me..I feel so downgraded and outcast even in my own home...they scan my body like I have actually something good in them like other girls..they force me to wear burqa and my Muslim classmates wear it too..but I don't feel like it.i don't like it..but that doesn't mean iam characterless, right? does that mean iam not a good muslim? I always find myself asking this...but I don't know as always..I don't know...

English is the only subject in which iam appreciated..not that iam complaining..even toppers ask me to help them in English..I didn't told any teacher about it maybe I was a bit naive?..I don't know...but I feel embarss when iam too much appreciated and principal Even asked me to become a writer..but... I don't know...

half day over and now it's lunch...sometimes my two friends always accompany me or if they have any plans with their besties,they apologize to me and went to sit with their friends...and always I end up alone...even while eating, iam soo much self-aware that I keep the box in the desk like hiding it and keep a bag beside me and I gets myself cornered near the wall...I always stare at my crush while eating but soon gets scared if he feel me staring him...

I don't know, I always gets this vibe from my crush and his bench mate like they are talking about me... something...funny and bad...I try to pretend I don't care but..I don't know, it hurts.. in every period too, especially in English, his bench mate stare at my side for some time and tell something to his friends and my crush..they sometimes laugh or just smile..I don't know..but I feel bad...I try to keep my head up..my self-respect is everything but..it still hurts sometimes....I always tell about my every problem to my friends (so-called..fuck them now..)and they just give me lame advices and I don't know if they are right or not..

at that point in my life, I was confused about my career..what should I become? psychiatrist ( I had always intrest in) or writer( though not interested but still my talent matters too)..so i asked my friends about it and they all told me to go for writing just BECAUSE I AM VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE...I hate it now...not that I have taken their advice seriously..but there was no one to tell me exactly what I can do with proper reasoning..

I thought, if I had good friends they would have told me the right advice but..what's now?. iam all on my own and will always be but I still dreams about imaginary friends..iam so silly..I know.

after lunch, everything is normal...except our beloved physics sir had divided into TOP 10 students and OTHER students...lame and stupid..I know..

the great top 10 students are obviously proud to fall in that category...at first I thought if I had worked harder...but I dismissed it..no way...in that case I would have to sit with such low class people who just have attitude of being the owner-of-the-school types..but still, after that day that sir had given his full attention to them, not that I cared but it was his duty to even sometimes come to our class to check..I was hurt..I don't know why..after the bell rang indicating school was over, everyone packed their bags, talking with their friends and I was...just...doing that alone. sometimes the top10 would come early and sometimes late...I always waited for my crush to arrive so atleast I could see him last time(sooo much for self-respect..I know I know)..I would even wait for him even when the OTHER students had went already...some teachers would come and ask but I pretend like I was packing still..

my bag, almost-torn-bag, zip gave away...I had to adjust it always..I was a messy person and many of my books would remain in my desk and the important ones I would carry to home. and at such moments, when iam the most pathetic creature of this planet, the top 10 came down...I felt embarassed..they came talking to each other not caring about others...I know they didn't even glanced at me but still...the one whom I have waited for..hurted me the most in a very indirect way, of course...just ignored me like I don't even exist? but still I always was jumping like a mad puppy around him..till the last day of the school.

I always walk at slower pace after I goes home from school.thats because I don't want to go home, for many reasons..I would,for instance,take longer routes than necessary and even accompanied the most disgusting persons to their home( which were complete opposite to mine)..and when I always reached home...you can guess...I was tired like hell!!...I saw many children going with their daddy or siblings or friends..but iam...always alone..

I just wish that I had a better family, better friends, better opportunities...but there is none in my life..iam not even preety or talented or hardworking or.. anything... except I always tries to help others...I wish now that I become a good lawyer...and at least fulfill my basic dreams..normal...I want atleast a normal life..now I don't want anything except studies...I wish it comes true..I just wish..!!






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