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I failed (Slump and Trough)
Slump and Trough, I failed myself.
01-06-2024
I cried, a lot. All the fear, stress, anxiety finally came out, my tears were bonafide.
This is probably the first time I learnt what is it like to fail, not on paper but in life or as a matter of fact, to feel like failing thyself.
This isn't a story but a recap of what has happened today for I'll remember this forever.
Failure to me, was a term. I hadn't really known what it's like to fail, for me failure was an outcome based state, if xyz is the outcomes means you've failed. I believed failure was dissapointing because it means receiving less than what one deserved. But all these beliefs came to an end, and turns out that failure can be your own creation, as in you can fail because you had not tried enough. Yup, among various reasons of failure, this was the common side that went unseen by me. I had always believed that failure is usually due to external factors or sheer bad luck but nope, the reason it pinches a lot is because you can't vent about it and you know that it was somewhere your fault. It leads to an identity crisis, as it did in my case. A belief system menace, you don't know what to believe anymore, a lot of thoughts and principles just collide letting out a conflicting narratives about the situation. It's complex, too complex, so complex that I had lost myself. I suddenly begun questioning my entire routine, my achievements, my beliefs, my actions, to the point where I started questioning my existence.
As a student who has been getting straight A's, failure wasn't something I had often experienced, I had been the smartest in the room for quite long, it's not like I had never scored less, but my 'Low score' in itself ranged around 85%-89% all the time. For the rest, I had always believed that if I hadn't studied, I won't get marks anyway, so I was always at peace with my scores. I managed to score 92% in class 10th (COVID BATCH), 96.2% in class 12th, 99.7% in CUET and got into SRCC, University of Delhi. One of the most prestigious colleges for commerce, in fact the best in Asia, but that's the cost and reward of upscaling, you don't get to be the smartest person in the room, you'll have to go out of your comfort zone and try to upscale yourself but I, instead, gave in and gave up.
One of the reasons for this is because I was always made to believe that 'Struggle ends'. Do this and you'll be at peace, do that and all will be good post that but I learnt it the hard way that it's just a myth, just an illusion. The difference between me and the other students at SRCC is that they know this truth that learning and struggle and work is endless. You live with it. It's a part of life, embrace it. But I was waiting for it all to end, desperately believing that college could...
01-06-2024
I cried, a lot. All the fear, stress, anxiety finally came out, my tears were bonafide.
This is probably the first time I learnt what is it like to fail, not on paper but in life or as a matter of fact, to feel like failing thyself.
This isn't a story but a recap of what has happened today for I'll remember this forever.
Failure to me, was a term. I hadn't really known what it's like to fail, for me failure was an outcome based state, if xyz is the outcomes means you've failed. I believed failure was dissapointing because it means receiving less than what one deserved. But all these beliefs came to an end, and turns out that failure can be your own creation, as in you can fail because you had not tried enough. Yup, among various reasons of failure, this was the common side that went unseen by me. I had always believed that failure is usually due to external factors or sheer bad luck but nope, the reason it pinches a lot is because you can't vent about it and you know that it was somewhere your fault. It leads to an identity crisis, as it did in my case. A belief system menace, you don't know what to believe anymore, a lot of thoughts and principles just collide letting out a conflicting narratives about the situation. It's complex, too complex, so complex that I had lost myself. I suddenly begun questioning my entire routine, my achievements, my beliefs, my actions, to the point where I started questioning my existence.
As a student who has been getting straight A's, failure wasn't something I had often experienced, I had been the smartest in the room for quite long, it's not like I had never scored less, but my 'Low score' in itself ranged around 85%-89% all the time. For the rest, I had always believed that if I hadn't studied, I won't get marks anyway, so I was always at peace with my scores. I managed to score 92% in class 10th (COVID BATCH), 96.2% in class 12th, 99.7% in CUET and got into SRCC, University of Delhi. One of the most prestigious colleges for commerce, in fact the best in Asia, but that's the cost and reward of upscaling, you don't get to be the smartest person in the room, you'll have to go out of your comfort zone and try to upscale yourself but I, instead, gave in and gave up.
One of the reasons for this is because I was always made to believe that 'Struggle ends'. Do this and you'll be at peace, do that and all will be good post that but I learnt it the hard way that it's just a myth, just an illusion. The difference between me and the other students at SRCC is that they know this truth that learning and struggle and work is endless. You live with it. It's a part of life, embrace it. But I was waiting for it all to end, desperately believing that college could...
