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I failed (Slump and Trough)
Slump and Trough, I failed myself.
01-06-2024
I cried, a lot. All the fear, stress, anxiety finally came out, my tears were bonafide.
This is probably the first time I learnt what is it like to fail, not on paper but in life or as a matter of fact, to feel like failing thyself.
This isn't a story but a recap of what has happened today for I'll remember this forever.
Failure to me, was a term. I hadn't really known what it's like to fail, for me failure was an outcome based state, if xyz is the outcomes means you've failed. I believed failure was dissapointing because it means receiving less than what one deserved. But all these beliefs came to an end, and turns out that failure can be your own creation, as in you can fail because you had not tried enough. Yup, among various reasons of failure, this was the common side that went unseen by me. I had always believed that failure is usually due to external factors or sheer bad luck but nope, the reason it pinches a lot is because you can't vent about it and you know that it was somewhere your fault. It leads to an identity crisis, as it did in my case. A belief system menace, you don't know what to believe anymore, a lot of thoughts and principles just collide letting out a conflicting narratives about the situation. It's complex, too complex, so complex that I had lost myself. I suddenly begun questioning my entire routine, my achievements, my beliefs, my actions, to the point where I started questioning my existence.
As a student who has been getting straight A's, failure wasn't something I had often experienced, I had been the smartest in the room for quite long, it's not like I had never scored less, but my 'Low score' in itself ranged around 85%-89% all the time. For the rest, I had always believed that if I hadn't studied, I won't get marks anyway, so I was always at peace with my scores. I managed to score 92% in class 10th (COVID BATCH), 96.2% in class 12th, 99.7% in CUET and got into SRCC, University of Delhi. One of the most prestigious colleges for commerce, in fact the best in Asia, but that's the cost and reward of upscaling, you don't get to be the smartest person in the room, you'll have to go out of your comfort zone and try to upscale yourself but I, instead, gave in and gave up.
One of the reasons for this is because I was always made to believe that 'Struggle ends'. Do this and you'll be at peace, do that and all will be good post that but I learnt it the hard way that it's just a myth, just an illusion. The difference between me and the other students at SRCC is that they know this truth that learning and struggle and work is endless. You live with it. It's a part of life, embrace it. But I was waiting for it all to end, desperately believing that college could fix it all, perhaps that I could be static now. Moment of truth, No, Life is dynamic in itself. I appreciated others all the time but at the cost of vandalizing myself, this appreciation was nothing less than being a poison to myself. Everytime I adored anything others had done, say their knowledge or fluency, I somehow in the back of my mind believed that they're amazing and I'll never be. The consequences were hence faced, despite my excellent communication skills, I could only deliver mediocre speeches and presentations. Inferiority complex is crazy. I never even tried to get out and move out of my comfort zone and deliver to my full potential, because it required efforts, it required doing something extra and better which was probably opposed my depreciating brain because soon it was furnished with the fear of being judged. Yup, that'll kick in the moment you stop focusing on yourself and just all the time give a fuck about others. Everytime I saw someone do something, I was happy for them but deep inside it rooted insecurity, for what I don't know. I'm as good but I forgot to appreciate myself in the process and this can be dangerous. *The consequence, I was insecure.*
Now, due to all this, I accumulated a fear and didn't even try doing things which I should have. Despite my excellent leadership skills, I didn't even try because of all this fear and insecurity, I avoided doing the necessary tasks, like studying on a regular basis. I lost consistency, everytime I would decide to sit, I'd realise there's someone doing better than me and hence I wouldn't even try. It's basic as I outline it all here but it's quite complex once you face it. This inculcated regrets in me. This regrets mixed with other factors can be a deadly catalyst in the troughs and slumps of life.
Amidst all this, I was a part of various societies and clubs, English literary Society being one among them. We had a fest and being in corporate communication wing our task was really hectic. I dedicated a good portion of time there and didn't study for another month, though it's just an excuse for procrastinating. Missing out already leads to further stress which fuels procrastination, which is why it's advised to do the hard things first, as hard as it seems, you'll eventually learn it the hard way, like I did today.
Later, I started feeling guilty for enjoying or feeling joy in any means. Guilty because I felt like I didn't deserve any of it. The effort-result equation wasn't working in my case. The efforts you put in validate the results you reap. I believed and still believe that I was being happier than I deserved to be. Such happiness is later outlived by sorrows, hence I skipped all the good fests including crossroads. I didn't feel comfortable with my friends, friendships in college are mainly strategic, you don't know who to trust and when to trust, atleast here, in SRCC. An unsaid race is going on here, a competition, healthy and toxic at times. The group I have, is fair to an extent, beyond that everyone is getting used or using, everyone is honest to an extent, past that, no one wants to hold any sort of disclosure about anything, you'll probably get to know what they're upto via their LinkedIn. That's not a cause of resentment though, Because that's how the world is. Even Bill Gates and Steve Jobs had some breaches of trust while they were working together with the principle of mutual assistance. That's how the world is, in fact, that's how we all are... Keeping things private and personal, which is why we resort to these apps to share our stories and thoughts as anonymous people as readers and listeners, are harmless or atleast dont outperform us.
I was losing myself, one piece everyday, to cope with my stress I had found a distraction, Music. Music was my distraction, I'd spend hours listening to songs, all kinds and slowly begun the series of maladaptive daydreaming.
It's another catalyst in procrastination. Whenever I'd sit to do some work, I'd end up doing something else, less important. Hence I succumbed to the matrix, the cycle. This killed everything and all I was.
Cut to today, I have Corporate law examination day after tomorrow and my preparation is shit. Not like it's the first time, I had studied things in the end moment and scored amazing scores but the fact that you're in SRCC and probably everyone is doing great overwhelms you. The consequence of Dissociating with myself is that I give a fuck about others, all but me. I failed to understand that this life is mine and I alone shall live and die. My legs and hands were almost paralysed for days, I couldn't breath, I had been blank, I remember starring at the clock yesterday and I got lost, I don't know where, until I snapped back and saw that 15 minutes had passed by just like that. I had maintained a time table but deep inside I knew I wouldn't follow it, the mindset crisis. I watched some productivity videos, knowing very well that it's a means to procrastinate but yet not accepting it. I couldn't breathe, I was taking long breathes at times. It's sizzling hot here in Delhi and I had spent hours with my AC and Fan, both off, until my mom reminded me of the heat. I started biting myself feeling so lost that I couldn't even feel the pain. I'd star a chapter in law and the whole day would pass with me doing the bare minimum. It's like the old great Niharika has died and this new one, is an average brat surviving. This is what it's like to lose yourself. For the first time I could relate why people choose to end their lives over exams. It's just a phase no doubt but resenting yourself is the main reason, it's a mix of emotions, regrets, Identity crisis, crumbled beliefs and no hopes. One of the serious consequences I deal with now is losing the faith in myself. I have been a person who was. persistent till the very end. I remember doing the whole syllabus of science in class 8th in one day with no stress because I believed in myself and didn't care about result. I ended up scoring 79.5/80 because I had stoned up my concepts like bricks and walls. I don't know where's that confidence and persistence. I am not resilient anymore.
Today it all came out, I went to my father and told him that I might not score well, he replied, "Why are you scared beta?" My father is a practical person, he won't sugarcoat things for me, I know that. He could see the fear, I had been a fearless individual. I broke down. I couldn't contain any of it, I cried. Everything came out, all the guilt, regrets, pain, everything. My mom too, knows I'm a person who barely cries or gives up. I still am scared and feel so bad for giving up. He told me that not everything is for everyone but I can't escape Law. Sooner or later I'll face it again and I know this. I did admit that it was my fault and he told me that two months down the line when I do things without any stress, I'll ace this subject too but it's my state of mind that has made me so fragile in the moment. They said that they're indifferent about me scoring bad in it, I know that I can easily score 8.8 SGPA and above in this sem but the fact that I'm still not ready to see the law and everything is less because of the syllabus and more due to my state. I realised how I fucked myself up over the time. Sooner or later, we all realise it. This is failure for me. I might score a good aggregate but I'll still fail as a person for the moment because of everything I listed above, this is why failures are hard. It doesn't necessarily have to be you putting efforts and reaping nothing, it could be you don't doing enough. Still hurts bad once the realisation kicks in.
I'll take up on my books and do as much as I can without taking much stress for this exam, cuz let it be. I've learnt my lesson. I'll carry myself up right after this exam on 3rd.
I've written it here as a reminder for myself, my hands are too shivery to enter this in my diary and I wanted to share this piece of my story as it happened. If you've read it in totality, then thankyou so much. Let me know what're your views about the same and what else do you think I must be lacking.
There's no perfect flow to this as I've texted it all randomly as I've felt over these days and today. It'll be my reminder forever.
I'm sorry for typos, I wrote this all without crosschecking.
© NSR
01-06-2024
I cried, a lot. All the fear, stress, anxiety finally came out, my tears were bonafide.
This is probably the first time I learnt what is it like to fail, not on paper but in life or as a matter of fact, to feel like failing thyself.
This isn't a story but a recap of what has happened today for I'll remember this forever.
Failure to me, was a term. I hadn't really known what it's like to fail, for me failure was an outcome based state, if xyz is the outcomes means you've failed. I believed failure was dissapointing because it means receiving less than what one deserved. But all these beliefs came to an end, and turns out that failure can be your own creation, as in you can fail because you had not tried enough. Yup, among various reasons of failure, this was the common side that went unseen by me. I had always believed that failure is usually due to external factors or sheer bad luck but nope, the reason it pinches a lot is because you can't vent about it and you know that it was somewhere your fault. It leads to an identity crisis, as it did in my case. A belief system menace, you don't know what to believe anymore, a lot of thoughts and principles just collide letting out a conflicting narratives about the situation. It's complex, too complex, so complex that I had lost myself. I suddenly begun questioning my entire routine, my achievements, my beliefs, my actions, to the point where I started questioning my existence.
As a student who has been getting straight A's, failure wasn't something I had often experienced, I had been the smartest in the room for quite long, it's not like I had never scored less, but my 'Low score' in itself ranged around 85%-89% all the time. For the rest, I had always believed that if I hadn't studied, I won't get marks anyway, so I was always at peace with my scores. I managed to score 92% in class 10th (COVID BATCH), 96.2% in class 12th, 99.7% in CUET and got into SRCC, University of Delhi. One of the most prestigious colleges for commerce, in fact the best in Asia, but that's the cost and reward of upscaling, you don't get to be the smartest person in the room, you'll have to go out of your comfort zone and try to upscale yourself but I, instead, gave in and gave up.
One of the reasons for this is because I was always made to believe that 'Struggle ends'. Do this and you'll be at peace, do that and all will be good post that but I learnt it the hard way that it's just a myth, just an illusion. The difference between me and the other students at SRCC is that they know this truth that learning and struggle and work is endless. You live with it. It's a part of life, embrace it. But I was waiting for it all to end, desperately believing that college could fix it all, perhaps that I could be static now. Moment of truth, No, Life is dynamic in itself. I appreciated others all the time but at the cost of vandalizing myself, this appreciation was nothing less than being a poison to myself. Everytime I adored anything others had done, say their knowledge or fluency, I somehow in the back of my mind believed that they're amazing and I'll never be. The consequences were hence faced, despite my excellent communication skills, I could only deliver mediocre speeches and presentations. Inferiority complex is crazy. I never even tried to get out and move out of my comfort zone and deliver to my full potential, because it required efforts, it required doing something extra and better which was probably opposed my depreciating brain because soon it was furnished with the fear of being judged. Yup, that'll kick in the moment you stop focusing on yourself and just all the time give a fuck about others. Everytime I saw someone do something, I was happy for them but deep inside it rooted insecurity, for what I don't know. I'm as good but I forgot to appreciate myself in the process and this can be dangerous. *The consequence, I was insecure.*
Now, due to all this, I accumulated a fear and didn't even try doing things which I should have. Despite my excellent leadership skills, I didn't even try because of all this fear and insecurity, I avoided doing the necessary tasks, like studying on a regular basis. I lost consistency, everytime I would decide to sit, I'd realise there's someone doing better than me and hence I wouldn't even try. It's basic as I outline it all here but it's quite complex once you face it. This inculcated regrets in me. This regrets mixed with other factors can be a deadly catalyst in the troughs and slumps of life.
Amidst all this, I was a part of various societies and clubs, English literary Society being one among them. We had a fest and being in corporate communication wing our task was really hectic. I dedicated a good portion of time there and didn't study for another month, though it's just an excuse for procrastinating. Missing out already leads to further stress which fuels procrastination, which is why it's advised to do the hard things first, as hard as it seems, you'll eventually learn it the hard way, like I did today.
Later, I started feeling guilty for enjoying or feeling joy in any means. Guilty because I felt like I didn't deserve any of it. The effort-result equation wasn't working in my case. The efforts you put in validate the results you reap. I believed and still believe that I was being happier than I deserved to be. Such happiness is later outlived by sorrows, hence I skipped all the good fests including crossroads. I didn't feel comfortable with my friends, friendships in college are mainly strategic, you don't know who to trust and when to trust, atleast here, in SRCC. An unsaid race is going on here, a competition, healthy and toxic at times. The group I have, is fair to an extent, beyond that everyone is getting used or using, everyone is honest to an extent, past that, no one wants to hold any sort of disclosure about anything, you'll probably get to know what they're upto via their LinkedIn. That's not a cause of resentment though, Because that's how the world is. Even Bill Gates and Steve Jobs had some breaches of trust while they were working together with the principle of mutual assistance. That's how the world is, in fact, that's how we all are... Keeping things private and personal, which is why we resort to these apps to share our stories and thoughts as anonymous people as readers and listeners, are harmless or atleast dont outperform us.
I was losing myself, one piece everyday, to cope with my stress I had found a distraction, Music. Music was my distraction, I'd spend hours listening to songs, all kinds and slowly begun the series of maladaptive daydreaming.
It's another catalyst in procrastination. Whenever I'd sit to do some work, I'd end up doing something else, less important. Hence I succumbed to the matrix, the cycle. This killed everything and all I was.
Cut to today, I have Corporate law examination day after tomorrow and my preparation is shit. Not like it's the first time, I had studied things in the end moment and scored amazing scores but the fact that you're in SRCC and probably everyone is doing great overwhelms you. The consequence of Dissociating with myself is that I give a fuck about others, all but me. I failed to understand that this life is mine and I alone shall live and die. My legs and hands were almost paralysed for days, I couldn't breath, I had been blank, I remember starring at the clock yesterday and I got lost, I don't know where, until I snapped back and saw that 15 minutes had passed by just like that. I had maintained a time table but deep inside I knew I wouldn't follow it, the mindset crisis. I watched some productivity videos, knowing very well that it's a means to procrastinate but yet not accepting it. I couldn't breathe, I was taking long breathes at times. It's sizzling hot here in Delhi and I had spent hours with my AC and Fan, both off, until my mom reminded me of the heat. I started biting myself feeling so lost that I couldn't even feel the pain. I'd star a chapter in law and the whole day would pass with me doing the bare minimum. It's like the old great Niharika has died and this new one, is an average brat surviving. This is what it's like to lose yourself. For the first time I could relate why people choose to end their lives over exams. It's just a phase no doubt but resenting yourself is the main reason, it's a mix of emotions, regrets, Identity crisis, crumbled beliefs and no hopes. One of the serious consequences I deal with now is losing the faith in myself. I have been a person who was. persistent till the very end. I remember doing the whole syllabus of science in class 8th in one day with no stress because I believed in myself and didn't care about result. I ended up scoring 79.5/80 because I had stoned up my concepts like bricks and walls. I don't know where's that confidence and persistence. I am not resilient anymore.
Today it all came out, I went to my father and told him that I might not score well, he replied, "Why are you scared beta?" My father is a practical person, he won't sugarcoat things for me, I know that. He could see the fear, I had been a fearless individual. I broke down. I couldn't contain any of it, I cried. Everything came out, all the guilt, regrets, pain, everything. My mom too, knows I'm a person who barely cries or gives up. I still am scared and feel so bad for giving up. He told me that not everything is for everyone but I can't escape Law. Sooner or later I'll face it again and I know this. I did admit that it was my fault and he told me that two months down the line when I do things without any stress, I'll ace this subject too but it's my state of mind that has made me so fragile in the moment. They said that they're indifferent about me scoring bad in it, I know that I can easily score 8.8 SGPA and above in this sem but the fact that I'm still not ready to see the law and everything is less because of the syllabus and more due to my state. I realised how I fucked myself up over the time. Sooner or later, we all realise it. This is failure for me. I might score a good aggregate but I'll still fail as a person for the moment because of everything I listed above, this is why failures are hard. It doesn't necessarily have to be you putting efforts and reaping nothing, it could be you don't doing enough. Still hurts bad once the realisation kicks in.
I'll take up on my books and do as much as I can without taking much stress for this exam, cuz let it be. I've learnt my lesson. I'll carry myself up right after this exam on 3rd.
I've written it here as a reminder for myself, my hands are too shivery to enter this in my diary and I wanted to share this piece of my story as it happened. If you've read it in totality, then thankyou so much. Let me know what're your views about the same and what else do you think I must be lacking.
There's no perfect flow to this as I've texted it all randomly as I've felt over these days and today. It'll be my reminder forever.
I'm sorry for typos, I wrote this all without crosschecking.
© NSR
