I have been thinking a lot. That's pretty much what I do anyways. I try to think positive, but it's really hard when I only get hurt. I just don't understand why be with someone that's not what you want in the first place? It seems like no one really wants me, only what I can give them. It's like everyone regrets me after awhile, that's why they always start looking for someone else. Yes I understand that I have problems and why would anyone wants someone that has unhealed past trauma? I'm trying my best to get better everyday, even though I can't find any help. But it doesn't help when I love someone, that wants other women. Maybe it's just the body he wants, that I can't give him, because my body won't let me gain weight that would make him much happier. He tells me that he only wants is me, but how is that true, when he doesn't even look at me like he used to? He is always looking at other women and tells me that I don't want them. Bull shit!! If he doesn't want them, then why look and stare at them like he does? Guys say they don't understand women, maybe it's because they don't give two fucks to understand us. We don't understand you men, you guys get with a woman and then your not happy after awhile because your women body doesn't look like the other woman in front of you or the woman that your friends are with. Why does that matter to you men? It should only matter that the person that you are with loves you deeply and actually gave you a chance to be with her, because she could of said no. We don't deserve to have our hearts getting hurt, just because we not want you really wanted in the first place. I know I have problems, but I do know how to actually love because of my mom and I know what I want. But the problem is, it feels like no one really wants me. I'm just a pease of ass or a bank account. I just want is love, real love. It sucks that all my life I only get is pain. I guess God only blessed me with pain. So I guess that's what I deserve is only pain, not real love.
© Charlotte B.