The bell above the door tinkled as a portly man doggedly marched in. His face was flushed with exertion, his breathing laboured. He dressed well and had evidently taken the time to comb his hair, but one side of it now stuck up like a wire fence. He dragged a barely responsive woman in with him, her expression never once changing except for the occasional blink of two mud- brown eyes.

"Hi and welcome to my shop! I'm the Wife-i Whizzperer! How may I help you?"

The man started at the chirpy voice but when he saw the shop owner with her sleeves rolled up, relief took over. He gestured at the lady he'd brought, still wheezing.

"Catch a breath sir, and then you can tell me what you need."

"I- It's..."

"Take your time, sir."

"It's just... I woke up today... and Marlena was like this."

"I beg your pardon, Mr...?"

"Mr. Abraham Thurston, how do you do. Marlena, my wife, she's never been like this before. Completely unanimated, dull, blank. Please fix her."

The Wife-i Whizzperer tapped her chin.

"You say she only became like this today. However, I don't think this was a sudden onset. Her condition typically only occurs after a gradual build- up of warning signs."

"Warning signs?"

"Little symptoms. Mr. Thurston, could you do me a favour and tell me about Marlena's behaviour over the past few weeks?"

"I don't know-"

"Just anything that comes to mind, even if it seems insignificant."

Thurston absent- mindedly patted his wife's hand as he considered the words. Marlena stayed silent, her gaze transfixed on a spot above the Wife-i Whizzperer's ear.

"Well, she did seem a bit more dreamy lately. Would zone out mid- way while I was having a conversation with her. Forget what I said. Forget why she's in a room with me. Things like that."

"What else?"

"Oh, she sighed more often and talked much less. I mean, I don't understand. I try to engage with her as often as possible."

"Hm. Have you tried to remedy the situation in any way?"

"Why of course! I'll have you know I'm not like some other men either. Ignoring the basics and crying for help at the first sign of trouble! In fact..."

"Carry on, sir."

"I even made sure to try the on-and-off trick first."

"I'm sorry?"

"I switched her off, then on again just to make sure."

At that moment, Marlena's eyebrow twitched and the Wife-i Whizzperer hurried over to her side. She quickly swept the heavy dark hair off Marlena's skinny neck.

"Mr. Thurston, I'm afraid that's one of the worst things you could've done. Your wife should be left switched on, always."

"What?!"

"It's a good thing you brought her over when you did. She was in danger of short- circuiting at any moment."

As if on cue, Mrs. Thurston's face began spasming in earnest. The Wife-i Whizzperer expertly prodded a few spots on the back of Marlena's neck and she became restful once again. But the work wasn't finished.

Next, she lifted Mrs. Thurston's arm and poked her armpit. A latch door seemed to miraculously open, revealing a compartment with a sealed tube inside. Mr. Thurston watched, mildly horrified but too curious to keep quiet.

"And what in the world is that?"

The Wife-i Whizzperer took it out and gave it a cursory glance.

"Just as I thought. Full Mansplain Meter."

"Mansplain Meter...?"

"You might wish to Google it, sir. But suffice to say, when it's full, it's very bad for your wife. It contributes to her current reticence."

The tube was emptied and put back. As soon as the door clicked shut, Marlena's eyes reverted to a warmer chocolate shade.
The Wife-i Whizzperer did the same with the other armpit, muttering something about resetting the Boredom and Selective Hearing Levers as Mr. Thurston continued to scratch his head. This time, Marlena ventured to look around.

Catching sight of her husband, she finally spoke.

"Oh. Honey, what's going on? Why are we here?"

"Never you mind, dear. I'll handle things."

The Wife-i Whizzperer wiped her hands on a rag and gently guided Mr. Thurston a short distance away from his now lively wife.

"I've fixed Marlena, and she should be good for a while yet if you follow my recommendations. Mr. Thurston, I have to say, you don't seem to be a bad sort. Just that you're clueless around women and reading their signals."

Thurston's face flushed an indignant shade of beetroot.

"Why that's not true! I brought her here because she was broken-"

"Yes, and you were unfortunately the one who broke her."

"See now, that's not how it works! And here I thought you were fully knowledgeable about such things! I brought her here because she was broken, and that's because she already had inner issues-"

"Well now, perhaps you won't need to Google the Mansplain Meter after all."

"I- What's that supposed to mean? Anyway, as I was saying, I think you should be giving me real advice on what to do with my wife. Not poking about in her armpits and making untoward comments."

The Wife-i Whizzperer sighed.

"Oh sir, I assure you, I'll be trying."

~ Weird little story idea at 3+ am on 30.01.23. Might do a 'husband version' eventually.

© Abigail Sim