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HER
SAY NO TO SUICIDE.
Written by Wanjiku . C . Peter
Dedication : To anybody who feels like all it's over know that life will never be smooth , all that is needed is patience and trusting the process because what I have learnt so far after all that has happened to me and people around . TAKE IT EASY.
There comes a time when we all feel like the world is just cruel and that there is no space for some of us due to what we go through in our daily lives and I think life is just like that and as for we human beings we have to just accept and learn to balance life with both sides which is -ve & +ve.
Call me Jade the only child of my parents who are both at their 30's and busy with their lives .
I am a senior highschooler at one of the best schools in Kenya where my parents brought me to keep me busy.
Today is Wednesday club's day and since I haven't figured what I want to be in life because my parents always controlled my every move starting from careers, food, school etc am just sitting under a tree reading "Through my African Eyes" by Jeff Koinange and everybody else is busy with what they love doing most e.g journalism club , wildlife club etc .
Growing up hasn't been easy my father left me when I was a little girl and my mom remarried and since then life hasn't been easy it's been a real nightmare . Nobody cares about me it was about them and there job I only had an opportunity to meet with them when I did wrong ( beating)or when they wanted to scolding me about something.
I grew up hating my step father because he never talked to me nor took any responsibility of me he always treated me as an outsider or when he was home I was invisible to him.
I grew up yearning for attention everywhere I went and that made me get hurt alot....I never had best friends .
children at school used to talk about how they had great times with their daddies and I couldn't join them because I didn't have a story to tell so I also spent my primary life all alone or just studying when at home I got used to sleeping the whole day because my friends were not allowed to come visit me nor was I supposed to play or go out to visit them.
I really had a dull life.
But I kept fighting to breathe for me because no one really cared about me I tried running away from home several times after miserable beatings from my mother but at the end of it all I had to just go back . I didn't have anyone to run to nor somewhere to go and that made them see me so weak to treat me badly.
I remember I used to cry every single day and they wouldn't care nor try and give me food , I learnt the hard way am telling you.
I started regretting ever coming to this world that I eventually started having anger issues that I couldn't control you know as a kid growing up we were told to always respect our parents and I never judged them nor hate them but the problem was that I started hating myself and I would cut myself each time I was mad and I also had a cardboard where I used to stick nails and remove when I stopped being angry and I could assume those were the holes that were in my heart and if it really worked am sure my heart would be filled with holes everywhere .
After my primary schools I got average marks to secure me a good school but my parents bribed so that I could go somewhere far from them and so that they would make excuse to never come see me , I tried to refuse but they said it was final and there was no discussion about that ....I joined the school and I realized that it was going to be tough for me .....after two weeks I started being bullied because I was so soft and had no one to really stand up for me .....I would spend my whole night crying till I started getting sick but my parents never came and I felt like giving up but still remembered I had come from far to just give up that time .
The bullies would make sure I starved to death no breakfast, no lunch, no supper and I started to be slimmy but nobody cares anyway ....I just had me but by this time I had already gotten used to it....
When I went for the mid break my parents didn't even notice I had lost some weight they were all concerned why I wasn't the top 5 in my class and bet you me that hurted me ....it made me weak and I started planning on running away from home because this people were going to kill me so soon than I thought.
It was on 9:30 pm 2009 /03/26 on a Friday when I decide to finally pack and leave and I managed after some struggle for the fence .
I used to live with a lady who I had interacted with her once or twice and she let me stay for a couple of months before I got somewhere else.
2months later I had my own place and I felt good then my friend had a party house and she invited me and because I didn't have anything to do I went afte sh kept insisting and it happened that one young man didn't have a place to sleep for the night and I agreed to let him share my bed. We sleep peacefully without knowing each other's name and I remember getting a call from a new number and it was him he asked me out we hanged out for like six weeks and I liked him but I didn't wanna tell him and waited for him to figure it out.
well this guy loves me for who I am and he keeps coming over to my place over and over until I have grown fond of him to the point where I start calling him earlier so that he wouldn't forget to pass by.
crazy!!He comes calling me " babygirl' and that makes my heart melt and start throbbing hard ...we have started bonding with the small pecks he gives me on the cheeks and forehead .
so there is this day he comes with a bottle of wine and we sip it and I can see that both of us are happy while watching a movie and I realise that he isn't a bad guy at all and I should give him a chance .
He is happy and hugs me giving me lots of kisses one thing lead to another bit when am about to give him my all I get a second thought that tells me
'no cess don't do this, I grind him and he finally nuts and he feels so good we cuddle each other till we fall asleep .
when I wake up I see him beside me and I just fe l awesome .....the best feeling I jump out of bed and I start preparing breakfast while wearing one of my best pajamas coz guess what am in love
I decide to be romantic and get him a breakfast in bed thing.
Heading to my room I get him already woke and listening to some music and guess what he gat the same taste of music like me , He pulls me closer kissing me making me loose my breath but still enjoying the moment.....I tap him like "hey buddy ssup?
take your breakfast then shower coz you sting' mehn!!!!!
Goes takes a shower
He becomes part of my life that I can never live without him .....days goes by and our love grows stronger we go for movie dates.....ice cream dates ...... roadtrips etc and trust you me that the best feeling
Now we have been together for the last one year and he has started insisting that I give a baby and my years can't allow that because I still have dreams to achieve before I decide to give birth .....he doesn't want to hear this and we have an argument .....and he leaves.
he comes late at night and I ask him where he was and he ignores me and sleeps .
Days later I found out he cheated on me I tried to enquire why and all I get is a serious beating leaving me bleeding on the head and mouth.
I cry because growing up without a father figure and the a boyfriend who beats me is something I never knew I would experience
I used to hear stories of wives being beaten by their husbands and it never occured to me that one day I will be a victim of it.
Am confused if to continue loving him or just quit this relationship but now the man has made me be independent of that I can't go anywhere
he made sure I became broke and now I really depended on him for survival for my parents weren't good financially .....that thing hit so deep but I let it go and started looking for hustles here and there and he never liked it , he said that I was going there to flirt with men and he would make sure I would feel bad about being broke ....he could say bad things about my family and I started getting tired of him.
When he saw I was becoming slimmy and weak each day he started being good to me ....he planned a 4 days vacation and I was happy but the bad memories of what I had gone through were still fresh like yesterday but I choose to have the vacation and forget my problems .....The vacation was in the interior of machakos ....His parents had a mansion over there and it only lived the foreman.....we boarded a matatau to town and took theatatu to kibwezi and along the way myan was so k so had to look after him till we arrived
The journey took 5hours to arrive at our destination and trust me it was along journey but I was happy to be in the middle of the forest in a 6 bedroom mansion .
Because I was tired I immediately went to sleep and he joined me wokeat 8am and I couldn't wait to go out .we made love took showers and went to have breakfast and what I saw made me feel like shouting .....the mansion was sorrounded with trees and pawpaw trees and. I could feel th difference between the town life , here the air was fresh unlike the town one which was polluted ......I just seemed to like it here but the only thing that was not good was the sun ,,,, it was so hot but the trees provided shade .....I started moving around to see what it looked like outside the mansion and what I saw really amazed me there were no other houses only some game park and abandoned houses the nearest house was like 2km away and of you needed something from the Market it was 10km away.
I decided to get back into the house because the sun was hitting up ...we spend the 3days bonding and knowing each other better and by the time we were coming back to Nairobi we had really bonded and I had forgotten all the bad things he had done for me.
He started being romantic ( breakfast on bed ...movies dates , partying etc
After 3 months he started giving me pressure of me getting pregnant with the excuse that he was growing old and he didn't want to waste no time and I told him to give me some few days and think about it and he agreed .
But he changed and started coming home very late and drunk and I wasn't supposed to ask anything about where he had been or why he was drunk on a week day to avoid being beaten.
One fateful night he came home drunk and furious and because I didn't want to argue with him I went to sleep only to be woken up by a slap by him saying that I was disrespecting him .
I woke up and asked him what the problem was and he told me that he had bought me the liquor and that I was supposed to drink it all when I refused he hit me by the head sending me down because I was standing and I let out a painful scream , My head had hit the floor and I was bleeding he took me by the collar of my pajamas and threw me to the wall which sent me landing on the gas cooker hitting my mouth and I started bleeding....all this time I was crying and confused.
Then he said that it was time he taught me a lesson he grabbed me and threw me on the floor and he sat on top of me landing me countless slapless and all I could do was scream and cry but no one came to my rescue by the time he was done with me he had bruised me all over and the last injured he burned me withan ironbox and I really had a big wound on my back
I sat there crying hopeless because I had no one to go to now and the only person I loved had turned out to be a monster I now felt that this world wasn't really my place and it was time I I had to leave for good .
I waited for him to fall asleep , opened the door and I felt a little freedom because he had me as a slave for long but the question was where was I going in the middle of the night.
I decided to just risk my life to other monsters rather than seeing the person I had loved treat me that way.....I walked till sunrise came and the first person I saw I borrowed him a cellphone to call my parents but they all disowned me and cursed me and told me not to bother them.
There and then I knew I didn't have anyone else so e en if I took my own life no one would be hurt ....I returned the phone and continue walking in search of my death .
I tried being ran over by a vehicle to no good ......I tried commiting suicide to no good and the last thing I was thinking of was taking poison .
I walked days and night until I found a bridge and I saw that the opportunity to die had arrived and I closed my eyes ( short prayer) and I was ready to throw myself then someone touched me and I was frightened on opening my eyes it was an old woman and she pleaded me not to kill myself and she took me home with her .
It was a children's home but I was happy this people were very welcoming and I started feeling like that was my home after a few days I started participating in guidance and counseling classes and they really helped me to stop hating my parents and I forgave them in one condition that if I was to return to school I would come to the children's home for holidays and they agreed.
That's why I am at school after one bad year but all in all I regret nothing because everything happens for a reason.
NB: Domestic violence is a no if you start seeing signs of it kindly get out of the toxic relationship ASAP.
Suicide is not the answer for your troubles am glad someone came to help me and I wanna tell you all that is not the right way to go if you feel like coming suicide please visit a g&c near you or get someone to talk to for suicide won't help and I realized that I should have faced my fears rather than running away from them and during my stay at the children's home I also learnt that suicide was ungodly.
@wanjii_2
© All Rights Reserved
Written by Wanjiku . C . Peter
Dedication : To anybody who feels like all it's over know that life will never be smooth , all that is needed is patience and trusting the process because what I have learnt so far after all that has happened to me and people around . TAKE IT EASY.
There comes a time when we all feel like the world is just cruel and that there is no space for some of us due to what we go through in our daily lives and I think life is just like that and as for we human beings we have to just accept and learn to balance life with both sides which is -ve & +ve.
Call me Jade the only child of my parents who are both at their 30's and busy with their lives .
I am a senior highschooler at one of the best schools in Kenya where my parents brought me to keep me busy.
Today is Wednesday club's day and since I haven't figured what I want to be in life because my parents always controlled my every move starting from careers, food, school etc am just sitting under a tree reading "Through my African Eyes" by Jeff Koinange and everybody else is busy with what they love doing most e.g journalism club , wildlife club etc .
Growing up hasn't been easy my father left me when I was a little girl and my mom remarried and since then life hasn't been easy it's been a real nightmare . Nobody cares about me it was about them and there job I only had an opportunity to meet with them when I did wrong ( beating)or when they wanted to scolding me about something.
I grew up hating my step father because he never talked to me nor took any responsibility of me he always treated me as an outsider or when he was home I was invisible to him.
I grew up yearning for attention everywhere I went and that made me get hurt alot....I never had best friends .
children at school used to talk about how they had great times with their daddies and I couldn't join them because I didn't have a story to tell so I also spent my primary life all alone or just studying when at home I got used to sleeping the whole day because my friends were not allowed to come visit me nor was I supposed to play or go out to visit them.
I really had a dull life.
But I kept fighting to breathe for me because no one really cared about me I tried running away from home several times after miserable beatings from my mother but at the end of it all I had to just go back . I didn't have anyone to run to nor somewhere to go and that made them see me so weak to treat me badly.
I remember I used to cry every single day and they wouldn't care nor try and give me food , I learnt the hard way am telling you.
I started regretting ever coming to this world that I eventually started having anger issues that I couldn't control you know as a kid growing up we were told to always respect our parents and I never judged them nor hate them but the problem was that I started hating myself and I would cut myself each time I was mad and I also had a cardboard where I used to stick nails and remove when I stopped being angry and I could assume those were the holes that were in my heart and if it really worked am sure my heart would be filled with holes everywhere .
After my primary schools I got average marks to secure me a good school but my parents bribed so that I could go somewhere far from them and so that they would make excuse to never come see me , I tried to refuse but they said it was final and there was no discussion about that ....I joined the school and I realized that it was going to be tough for me .....after two weeks I started being bullied because I was so soft and had no one to really stand up for me .....I would spend my whole night crying till I started getting sick but my parents never came and I felt like giving up but still remembered I had come from far to just give up that time .
The bullies would make sure I starved to death no breakfast, no lunch, no supper and I started to be slimmy but nobody cares anyway ....I just had me but by this time I had already gotten used to it....
When I went for the mid break my parents didn't even notice I had lost some weight they were all concerned why I wasn't the top 5 in my class and bet you me that hurted me ....it made me weak and I started planning on running away from home because this people were going to kill me so soon than I thought.
It was on 9:30 pm 2009 /03/26 on a Friday when I decide to finally pack and leave and I managed after some struggle for the fence .
I used to live with a lady who I had interacted with her once or twice and she let me stay for a couple of months before I got somewhere else.
2months later I had my own place and I felt good then my friend had a party house and she invited me and because I didn't have anything to do I went afte sh kept insisting and it happened that one young man didn't have a place to sleep for the night and I agreed to let him share my bed. We sleep peacefully without knowing each other's name and I remember getting a call from a new number and it was him he asked me out we hanged out for like six weeks and I liked him but I didn't wanna tell him and waited for him to figure it out.
well this guy loves me for who I am and he keeps coming over to my place over and over until I have grown fond of him to the point where I start calling him earlier so that he wouldn't forget to pass by.
crazy!!He comes calling me " babygirl' and that makes my heart melt and start throbbing hard ...we have started bonding with the small pecks he gives me on the cheeks and forehead .
so there is this day he comes with a bottle of wine and we sip it and I can see that both of us are happy while watching a movie and I realise that he isn't a bad guy at all and I should give him a chance .
He is happy and hugs me giving me lots of kisses one thing lead to another bit when am about to give him my all I get a second thought that tells me
'no cess don't do this, I grind him and he finally nuts and he feels so good we cuddle each other till we fall asleep .
when I wake up I see him beside me and I just fe l awesome .....the best feeling I jump out of bed and I start preparing breakfast while wearing one of my best pajamas coz guess what am in love
I decide to be romantic and get him a breakfast in bed thing.
Heading to my room I get him already woke and listening to some music and guess what he gat the same taste of music like me , He pulls me closer kissing me making me loose my breath but still enjoying the moment.....I tap him like "hey buddy ssup?
take your breakfast then shower coz you sting' mehn!!!!!
Goes takes a shower
He becomes part of my life that I can never live without him .....days goes by and our love grows stronger we go for movie dates.....ice cream dates ...... roadtrips etc and trust you me that the best feeling
Now we have been together for the last one year and he has started insisting that I give a baby and my years can't allow that because I still have dreams to achieve before I decide to give birth .....he doesn't want to hear this and we have an argument .....and he leaves.
he comes late at night and I ask him where he was and he ignores me and sleeps .
Days later I found out he cheated on me I tried to enquire why and all I get is a serious beating leaving me bleeding on the head and mouth.
I cry because growing up without a father figure and the a boyfriend who beats me is something I never knew I would experience
I used to hear stories of wives being beaten by their husbands and it never occured to me that one day I will be a victim of it.
Am confused if to continue loving him or just quit this relationship but now the man has made me be independent of that I can't go anywhere
he made sure I became broke and now I really depended on him for survival for my parents weren't good financially .....that thing hit so deep but I let it go and started looking for hustles here and there and he never liked it , he said that I was going there to flirt with men and he would make sure I would feel bad about being broke ....he could say bad things about my family and I started getting tired of him.
When he saw I was becoming slimmy and weak each day he started being good to me ....he planned a 4 days vacation and I was happy but the bad memories of what I had gone through were still fresh like yesterday but I choose to have the vacation and forget my problems .....The vacation was in the interior of machakos ....His parents had a mansion over there and it only lived the foreman.....we boarded a matatau to town and took theatatu to kibwezi and along the way myan was so k so had to look after him till we arrived
The journey took 5hours to arrive at our destination and trust me it was along journey but I was happy to be in the middle of the forest in a 6 bedroom mansion .
Because I was tired I immediately went to sleep and he joined me wokeat 8am and I couldn't wait to go out .we made love took showers and went to have breakfast and what I saw made me feel like shouting .....the mansion was sorrounded with trees and pawpaw trees and. I could feel th difference between the town life , here the air was fresh unlike the town one which was polluted ......I just seemed to like it here but the only thing that was not good was the sun ,,,, it was so hot but the trees provided shade .....I started moving around to see what it looked like outside the mansion and what I saw really amazed me there were no other houses only some game park and abandoned houses the nearest house was like 2km away and of you needed something from the Market it was 10km away.
I decided to get back into the house because the sun was hitting up ...we spend the 3days bonding and knowing each other better and by the time we were coming back to Nairobi we had really bonded and I had forgotten all the bad things he had done for me.
He started being romantic ( breakfast on bed ...movies dates , partying etc
After 3 months he started giving me pressure of me getting pregnant with the excuse that he was growing old and he didn't want to waste no time and I told him to give me some few days and think about it and he agreed .
But he changed and started coming home very late and drunk and I wasn't supposed to ask anything about where he had been or why he was drunk on a week day to avoid being beaten.
One fateful night he came home drunk and furious and because I didn't want to argue with him I went to sleep only to be woken up by a slap by him saying that I was disrespecting him .
I woke up and asked him what the problem was and he told me that he had bought me the liquor and that I was supposed to drink it all when I refused he hit me by the head sending me down because I was standing and I let out a painful scream , My head had hit the floor and I was bleeding he took me by the collar of my pajamas and threw me to the wall which sent me landing on the gas cooker hitting my mouth and I started bleeding....all this time I was crying and confused.
Then he said that it was time he taught me a lesson he grabbed me and threw me on the floor and he sat on top of me landing me countless slapless and all I could do was scream and cry but no one came to my rescue by the time he was done with me he had bruised me all over and the last injured he burned me withan ironbox and I really had a big wound on my back
I sat there crying hopeless because I had no one to go to now and the only person I loved had turned out to be a monster I now felt that this world wasn't really my place and it was time I I had to leave for good .
I waited for him to fall asleep , opened the door and I felt a little freedom because he had me as a slave for long but the question was where was I going in the middle of the night.
I decided to just risk my life to other monsters rather than seeing the person I had loved treat me that way.....I walked till sunrise came and the first person I saw I borrowed him a cellphone to call my parents but they all disowned me and cursed me and told me not to bother them.
There and then I knew I didn't have anyone else so e en if I took my own life no one would be hurt ....I returned the phone and continue walking in search of my death .
I tried being ran over by a vehicle to no good ......I tried commiting suicide to no good and the last thing I was thinking of was taking poison .
I walked days and night until I found a bridge and I saw that the opportunity to die had arrived and I closed my eyes ( short prayer) and I was ready to throw myself then someone touched me and I was frightened on opening my eyes it was an old woman and she pleaded me not to kill myself and she took me home with her .
It was a children's home but I was happy this people were very welcoming and I started feeling like that was my home after a few days I started participating in guidance and counseling classes and they really helped me to stop hating my parents and I forgave them in one condition that if I was to return to school I would come to the children's home for holidays and they agreed.
That's why I am at school after one bad year but all in all I regret nothing because everything happens for a reason.
NB: Domestic violence is a no if you start seeing signs of it kindly get out of the toxic relationship ASAP.
Suicide is not the answer for your troubles am glad someone came to help me and I wanna tell you all that is not the right way to go if you feel like coming suicide please visit a g&c near you or get someone to talk to for suicide won't help and I realized that I should have faced my fears rather than running away from them and during my stay at the children's home I also learnt that suicide was ungodly.
@wanjii_2
© All Rights Reserved
