Part 22
A Life Remembered
 

In my apartment, I searched for anything that seemed out of place, nothing was amiss. My bag, the envelope, and Mae were still on the bed where I had left them.

  I thought about Dominik, and of the time I was lost.

I whispered to myself,
" What the fuck  
     happened?"

Dominik had a complete melt down.
Then the worse thought came, and panic hit me.

  "No, no, no!"

  I stripped off my clothes, threw on some jeans, and t-shirt. Then grabbed my boots as I headed out the door.

Running as fast as I could towards Ghetto Cafe, my mind was racing with all kinds of bad shit. Worse case scenarios kept popping in my head.

When I finally reached the cafe, I stopped just outside it's doors to catch my breath. I needed to calm the fuck down before going in.
I didn't want to scare the crap out of the customers.

After a minute or so, I walked in, but my anxiety was getting the best of me.

Natasha was at the counter, and suddenly had a concerned look on her face as I came in. I was beginning to think something bad had happened.
I picked up my pace, and she came around the counter. I heard the confusion, and concern in her words.

She asked,
" Shannon are you ok?"

  My panic attracted the attention of the customers.

I asked with a little bit of hysteria.
" Where's Brandon?"

She asked,
" What's wrong? Why are you asking for him?"

I didn't mean to snap at her, but I needed an answer now.

I said to her, almost shouting.
"Natasha please, tell me where Brandon is!"

I didn't realize I was roughly gripping her shoulders.

Her expression was confusion, and worry combined.

She said rather loudly.
" Ouch Shannon, you're hurting me!"

Fuck, I felt bad that I did that.

  I tried to calm down, but I really needed her to tell me where....
She interrupted my thoughts.

She said,
" He's out back taking the trash out.
What's going on Shannon?"

I seriously wanted to climb over the counter, and was about to when Brandon walked through the side door.
He was wearing a headset, and a smile.

Pulling the buds out of his ear, he said,
"What's up Shannon, it's been a good minute.
How you been doin?"

No one can imagine the relief I was feeling. I wanted to rush over to him, but thought it might not be a good idea. 
It was bad enough that everyone here was staring at me as if I had lost my marbles.
I believe I've lost a bag full.

For a brief moment I just stared at Natasha, and Brandon.
It was really them. The one's I had left behind, but where were the other's.

My mind was on overdrive, and I was having trouble keeping up with my thoughts.

Dominik had dropped me in this new life, and I never knew who they were.
They also don't know who I really am.
Why would Dominik do this?
Boy this sucked big time!

I felt heavy in the pit of my stomach.
Shit my legs were about to give out.
I took a step forward, and sure enough they buckled.

Brandon quickly took hold of me.
He said,
" Whoa, I gotcha, just lean on me Shannon."

Natasha said,
" You need to sit down, Brandon help her over to the corner table. I'll go get her some tea."

I sat at the table, and thought, what the fuck is wrong with me.

He asked,
" What's going on Shannon? You don't look so good. Maybe I should take you to the hospital."

I shook my head
and said,
" No! No hospital, no doctors! I just need to sit here for a bit until my legs remember they don't belong to a mule."

His smile wasn't convincing, he probably thought it was a bad joke. Who am I kidding, it was a bad joke.

He then said,
" Are you sure, it's really not a problem."

I said,
" Yea I'm sure. I'll be ok, thanks though."

He patted me on the shoulder, then said,
"Ok, I'm gonna see if Natasha's got that tea ready."

I simply nodded, then he left.

Brandon was sweet to offer me a ride to the hospital, but the last thing I want is to be stuck waiting for hours, only for them to tell me what I already know.

Shannon, the diagnosis is exhaustion, a case of insanity. Oh, and a serious case of pre~rigor~mortis of the soul, but on the bright side, you'll recover from the exhaustion once you're dead.

Natasha brought me the tea, and said,
" Here ya go, this'll help your nerves."

My hands trembled as I took the cup from her. She pulled a chair closer to me, and sat down.

Placing her hand on mine she said,
"You really need to calm down before you tell me what's got you so freaked out."

I waited until my breathing had slowed down considerably, and was able to speak without scaring the shit out of the customers.

I also took this time to think of a good reason for the display I gave when I came in.

Patiently, Natasha waited for me to respond.
I seriously had no fuckin idea what I was going to tell her.

She took a deep breath, and said,
"It's ok, I think I know why you're so worked up."

Confused, I wondered what the hell she was talking about.

She continued,
" Your friend came by ..."

My adrenaline shot up, and it was just like me, to create the worse case scenarios.

I quickly asked,
" Who? What friend came by?"

My head was pounding, while my thoughts were running wild. She saw my panic rising then said,
"Whoa Shannon, please calm yourself!"

She turned around to make sure her customers weren't frightened, or leaving. I felt bad, and really disappointed with myself for this uncontrollable panic I was having.
She quieted me with soft sh's, and pushed the cup towards me.

She said,
" Ok, let's take a minute to clear our heads, and calm down. Have some more tea, then we can start again slowly."

I nodded my head in agreement as I drank the tea. I let out a breath, wanting her to see that I was ready to hear what she had to say.
Truth is I was screaming in my head.
She looked at me, making sure I wasn't going to flip out on her.

She finally said,
"Now, what I was saying is that your friend came to tell us that lately you've been out of sorts, and was worried about you.
He also mentioned that your nightmares had you worried about..."

I thought of Mina.
She's the only person
I've told about the nightmares.

I cut her off and asked,
"Does this friend have a name?"

I repeatedly said to myself, please say it was Mina.
Natasha took a moment to recall the name.

Then said,
" I think his name was Dominik."

I closed my eyes, fuck it wasn't Mina.

She added,
"He told us that your nightmares were starting to freak you out."

I wanted to deny this, but what the fuck could I tell her that would explain my behavior.
Seriously, like Dominik saying that I was freaking out on my nightmares wasn't bad enough.
A fuckin lunatic is exactly how he made me sound.

Natasha said,
"I think it was sweet of him to check up on us for you."

What did she mean?

She added,
" Don't worry Shannon, Brandon, and I are doing ok."

I wondered what  Dominik said my nightmares were about for Natasha to think I sent him to check up on them.
This definitely hits the top ten scale of crazy shit.

I had taken control of myself. I'm sure if I hadn't, they'd slap the hysteria out of me, or have me committed.

My anger on the other hand had just begun to boil.

I forced a smile so she could stop worrying, or at least remove the concerned look on her face.

I said,
"Dominik is really something else. I'll have to thank him later."

I reached in my pockets, and she waved her hand.

Then she said,
" No Shannon, you're money is no good here, you're like family!"

Tears threatened to fill my eyes, and a pain shot through my chest. I quickly stood up and said,
" Thanks, and I'm sorry that I hurt you."

She shrugged her shoulders, and said,
"Don't worry about it, I totally understand."

I said,
"Tell Brandon thanks."

I walked towards the doors, and could feel her worried stare on me. I waved goodbye without looking back.

  As I walked home, I thought about Dominik's visit to Ghetto Cafe.
What was the real reason he went there?
Our last encounter was a disaster, and I wondered if he was so angry that he planned on hurting Brandon.
If so, what stopped him?

Perhaps he was sending me a message, but of what?

I needed to know, but what would I do once I found out?

Then I thought, could he welch on the deal?
Would he?

Fuck, I was beginning to feel drained.
Mentally, and physically, my exhaustion was running on fumes, so to speak.

I let out a sigh, I was almost home.
I couldn't wait to hit the shower, and get some much needed rest.


I threw myself on the bed, still wrapped in my towel. Complete darkness surrounded me as I drifted off into a deep sleep.

I dreamt of a life I had forgotten.
A life I no longer had.

The feeling was bitter sweet as I saw children playing. It felt good to see the joy in their eyes.
They were the ones I had left behind.
To see them so happy, yelling , laughing, running, and jumping around everywhere.

Then I saw him, as he picked up a child tossing her up in the air, and let out a joyous laugh.

There were young adults with similarities, perhaps siblings.
They were familiar, yet strangers.
As I watched them, a young man approached me.
Fair of skin, and beautiful dark brown eyes.

He asked,
" Mom, what kind of drink do you want?"

I woke up to my heart almost beating through my chest.

I whispered,
" What in God's name was that?"

I looked around my place, and the feeling of loneliness filled me.

The feeling was like living in a full house, and suddenly one day everyone is gone.
Only you remain, left to hear the echoes of long ago memories.
It leaves an emptiness inside you.
This is what my place feels like now.


It was dark outside, and I was glad it was my night off.
I checked my cellphone, it was dead.
Wonderful!

  I didn't want to think about anything, so I washed up, got dressed and headed out the door. This time I remembered to take my bag, and keys.

I had no idea where I was going. I just didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.
Right now, the memories of the time I was lost were too much to bear.

I headed out the door and decided some alcohol was what I needed.

Already walking towards
the corner store.
What time is it?
Shit! I hope Jim hasn't closed up for the night.

Oh good, he's still there.

Upon entering, Jimmy looked up from the paper he was reading.

I said,
" Hey Jimmy, how's it going tonight?"

He said,
" It's pretty slow, got no complaints though. What you up to?"

I said,
" Just need a couple of things."

He asked,
" You got the night off?"

I said,
" You know I don't work weekdays."

He said,
" Must be nice!"

I walked straight to the alcohol and grabbed a sixteen ounce of Bud Ice.

I said,
"It is, you should try it."

At the counter, as he was ringing up my total he said,
" Then who'd run this?"

He opened his arms wide, displaying the stocked shelves behind him.
I offered a suggestion that I thought was pretty good.

I said,
" You can always hire someone to run it.
Oh let me get a pa....."

I smiled when I saw he already had the pack in his hand.

Jimmy went on to say,
" Nah, I don't trust anyone with my money."

I said,
" It's too bad, cuz you really aught to take a break, and enjoy life. Don't forget to add the amount from the other day."

He replied,
" You really should quit smoking. Them sticks are gonna kill ya!"

If only Jimmy knew I was already dead, not to mention damned.

I admit that my thoughts are a bit morbid, but under the circumstances, I really should be.

I said,
" The fact that I keep losing the damn things, only means that I inhaled a quarter of the pack. So I look at it as cutting down."

Jim let out a quiet laugh as I handed him my card. A quick swipe, and it was done.

He then said,
" That apple orchard you asked for is being delivered tomorrow."

I said,
" Awesome, I will be seeing you then, make sure you don't sell out."

He replied,
" You got it! So you headed home?"

  I was already walking towards the door, and I could feel his stare.

Without looking back
I said,
"Nah, think I'm gonna get lost somewhere."

Jimmy's cool, but as much as he tries not to say much, his eyes say a lot. Sometimes I see a bit of sadness in his eyes when he looks at me. Perhaps he observes more than what is shown on the outside.

Like with everyone else, Jimmy and I have never really talked.
I don't know why, but sometimes I feel like he sees straight into my soul. Wait, I just found out I don't have one.

Fuck it, who needs it anyway.

I stood outside the store with an open container, and was contemplating on where I should go.
I took one last gulp and finished my beer.

I really wanted something with a little more kick, so I decided to walk the four blocks to King of Klubs.

I wasn't in the mood for Wanda the weekday bartender, but I figured what the hell, as long as she keeps the drinks coming, I'm good.
I'll probably be drunk enough to tune her out.

That was tonight's plan.


          ~💀~
        Written by
  Sarah M Gutierrez



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