“Finally, some peace and quiet!” Jack said to himself as he closed the door to his office. He looked around the large room, trying to pick a spot where to sit, but he felt overwhelmed by the many choices he had: the couch next to the bookcase, a massive ergonomic chair at his desk, a comfy sofa in front of the fire with the little stool on which he could kick his feet up, or there was the chaise lounge by the window, which he loved so much, but the window was still broken from yesterday and he hated the draft coming from it. After going around in circles for almost a minute he finally picked a book and sat in front of the fire. The heat coming from the fireplace was nice, and Jack smiled, lifting his feet up to prop them on the stool.
“JACK! COME HERE, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!” a voice erupted from beyond the office door.
Jack rolled his eyes but got up nonetheless - the voice was Armand’s, and the fact that he left his post just to come to Jack meant that there was something happening that was worth his direct attention.
“WHAT?” Jack shouted back, as he opened his door. He looked at the Great Hall unfolding in front of him, lit up by red, expensive chandeliers. At the end of the hall stood Armand, at his full 2.5 meters height, next to somebody who could have easily passed as his pet human. To say the man was short was an understatement. He barely got up to 1.4 meters, he seemed thin and frail and was looking around frightened, dressed up in red and green, his clothes resembling an elf’s attire. Jack raised an eyebrow as he approached the two men.
“Is this a mistake?” Armand asked, raising a folder and handing it to Jack.
He picked up the folder and skimmed through it.
“Alfie the elf?” Jack asked, an amused smile on his face. “What did you do, Alfie the Elf?” he asked, bending over, talking to the little man like you would talk to a child. He turned a few more pages, then gasped: “Oh, Alfie, you’ve been a naughty boy, haven’t you? I bet you made it straight to the top ten naughty boys on Santa’s list!” he giggled.
“What did he do?” asked Armand, curious. He wasn’t allowed to look through the files, he just followed what was said on the cover of the folders: up, or down. And Alfie was meant to go down, where Jack was.
“And you look so innocent and cute!” Jack continued, ignoring Armand’s question. “For a second there I actually thought this was a huge mistake, you being sent here.” he then looked at Armand, finally acknowledging that he asked a question. “This little fella likes to eat...a lot!” he said with a wicked smile on his face. “Guess what’s his favorite dish!”
Armand shrugged, confused.
“Braised heart...human heart!” Jack answered, looking like he was proud of the little man.
Armand gasped, horrified. “Maybe I should go back to my post.” he said in a hushed voice.
“Yeah, you should,” Jack said turning serious all of a sudden, “you wouldn’t want the boss to find out about your little trip down here.”
Armand turned his back on the two men and left without saying goodbye. Jack went back to studying Alfie’s file, while he was frozen on the spot, looking around the Great Hall, still shaking.
“Oh, Alfie, Alfie,” Jack said, sounding compassionate towards the elf, “you’ve had quite a good life, what happened? Where did this hankering for human meat come from?”
“Curiosity?” the man replied, shaking harder now, the little bells attached to his hat ringing with an echo across the hall.
“Yeah, that’s how a lot of people get here,” Jack said, looking around the empty hall, “they get curious, then do stupid things, then they die.”
“Whe-where is everybody?” Alfie finally gathered the courage to ask him.
“Oh, they’re working.” Jack answered simply, turning to face the man dressed like an elf. “Lunch should be in about an hour, you’ll get to meet everybody then!” he continued smiling. “But...no human meat!” Jack laughed, poking Alfie in the ribs with his elbow. “Just...stay away from the lawyers,” he added with a grimace and a shudder while Alfie nodded, anxious.
“Come along now, we need to get your paperwork sorted, then I can give you a tour!” Jack said, walking towards his office without looking back to see if the elf was following him. There was no need to look back, where would the elf run anyway? The door that separated the Great Hall to the outside world could only be opened by himself, the Boss, and the guys working in Sorting, like Armand and Angelo. It took a while for the elf to catch up with Jack, who’s long legs were able to pace the entire length of the hall in a matter of seconds. He held the door to his office for Alfie for what seemed like forever, with a bored look on his face. It was always like that with the newbies, Jack thought. They took their time to study the red hall, always looking like they were expecting somebody to jump at them from the shadows and scare the crap out of them.
“Take a seat!” Jack gestured towards the two chairs in front of his desk. He sat on the other side of the massive table, sinking in his comfy ergonomic chair with a satisfied smile on his face - he was finally getting to sit down, after the crazy morning he’s had.
“Um” Alfie said taking a seat, “Mister Satan, sir-”
“Please do not call me that!” Jack interrupted the man, raising his index finger at him. “I hate that name!” he continued, with a sour look on his face. “When people called me Lucifer that was okay, it was a nice name!” Jack said, putting that same index finger to his chin and looking up. “A really nice name indeed! Then some moron came around and thought: ‘hey, why don’t we call him Satan instead?’” Jack’s grimace turned worse as he was mimicking some man he only knew. He picked up a pen from the desk and clicked it with anger. The pen snapped under the pressure he exerted, and he had to throw it in the bin under the desk and pick a new one. Alfie was watching his outburst without daring to blink, regretting ever opening his mouth. Jack took a deep breath, closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, taking his time.
“Just call me Jack, please.” he said, a calmer tone now, clicking this pen without breaking it this time. He opened Alfie’s folder and looked in it. “Oh yeah,” he said lifting his gaze up towards the elf, “what were you going to say?”
“Oh,” Alfie said, still scared after the devil’s outburst, “I was going to ask if I will get a job too.”
Jack giggled. “Well of course! We don’t like laziness here! I just need to study your file and see where you would fit best. You’re so thin, small, and innocent-looking I don’t have the heart to put you in with the other cannibals! No offence, but they’d eat you alive!” Jack said, looking all serious. Then he started to giggle again. “Eat you alive...no pun intended!”
Jack’s gaze fell back down on Alfie’s file. He seemed like a good man - he was hardworking, seemed to have excellent time management skills, very organized, the only flaw he found was Alfie’s preference for human meat. He killed about half his co-workers - they were all working at Santa’s workshop in a mall - then, when police came to arrest him for the murders, he tried to run and got shot. Now he was here, all shaking, looking nervously around his office, probably wondering what life in Hell will be like. Jack closed the file and looked at the man - he looked ridiculous in his elf costume, but unfortunately for him, the clothes you die in are also the clothes you have to wear in the after life. The others would make fun of him, bully him, and torture him more than Jack would want it. He needed to be tortured for his sins, obviously - Jack thought - but the torture should come from the devil himself, not other souls that were cast into hell.
“Okay, so here’s the deal,” the devil said eventually. “I cannot put you together with the general population, and definitely not with the other cannibals! Like it wasn’t enough you got the short and skinny genes, now you’re also dressed in an elf costume!” Jack exclaimed, pointing his hand at Alfie’s attire. Alfie looked down at his clothes, embarrassed.
“There’s no way I could change them?” he asked, still looking down, now at his pointy shoes with bells.
“Nope.” Jack answered, leaving no room for ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’. “What you die in, that’s what you wear in the afterlife. But hey,” he continued, smiling, trying to lighten up the mood, “at least you didn’t die naked, that would be embarrassing!”
Alfie didn’t smile, but rather raised an eyebrow. “I’d rather take the naked bit over this.” he said looking again at his outfit.
“The good news is that you can work as my personal assistant! You still get your share of daily torture, as per the big man’s expectations” Jack said pointing upwards, towards the ceiling, “but you don’t get the bullying from the others for your outfit. I could really use the help, I’ve fallen behind my filling and I’m expecting an inspection from the boss in the next month!”
Alfie watched the devil, stunned.
“Look, all you need to do is sort files, take care of my appointments and sometimes you’ll have to give welcome tours. That seems fair, right?” Jack continued.
“Where….where’s the torture part?” Alfie asked, scared.
“Well,” Jack laughed, looking down at a stack of papers on his desk. He picked up the first 3 or 4 pages and put it in front of the elf. “This is a standard contract. Part of everybody’s stipulation there” he continued pointing to clause 13 on the document “is that regardless of what happens during your shift, you have to continue your work until the end of the day. That includes accidents, dying, and even severed heads or losing a limb.” Alfie’s eyes widened as he was reading clause 13. “Don’t worry, the next day you’ll be brand new!” Jack smiled. “But there’s also clause 666,” he then turned serious.
“Clause 666?” asked the elf looking through the papers he was handed. “There is no clause 666!” he continued, reaching the end of the document.
“I know,” Jack laughed. “666 is not even the ‘devil’s number’, as some people might think!” he continued, giggling, “It’s actually 333” he then rolled his eyes.
“So that’s the whole torture thing?” Alfie asked, confused.
“Oh, no! Not at all! You don’t get away with what you’ve done that easily!” Jack said, turning serious again. Hell was his business and he treated it fairly. “The torture is set depending on what job you take here. So if you accept my job offer, you will receive a specific punishment, that could be related to what you have to do. I already have something in mind,” a devious smile came up on the devil’s face.
“I accept your job offer,” Alfie sighed, “after all, it seems to be the lesser evil.”
“The lesser evil,” Jack laughed, “this one’s funny, I’ll have to tell the guys in Sorting what you’ve said! You’re in Hell, my dear, there is no ‘lesser evil’ around here! It’s all just a mess of files, miserable souls who will not hesitate to torture and fight each other for no reason, and then there’s me - I should be stopping the fight but instead I start taking everyone’s bets. Speaking of bets…” Jack said, pulling a little red notebook, “Janet and Christina are apparently going to start a fight soon, who do you think will win? Minimum bet amount is $4.”
Alfie raised an eyebrow at the devil, who was waiting with his little notebook in one hand and the pen ready in the other, eager to hear his answer.
“Oh, wait, you don’t know them yet!” Jack eventually said, gently slapping the little notebook to his forehead. “See, I tend to forget things, that’s why I need a personal assistant! Anyway, let’s sign the contract then I’ll show you where you’ll work. Afterwards I have a meeting with Andrea, then I’ll come and give you a tour.”
The elf nodded, as Jack started to pull the papers from in front of him and explain what each clause from the contract meant. It seemed like a normal work contract that Alfie had signed many, many times before, with the exception of clause 13.
Once the paperwork was all done, the devil got up, slapping his knees as he did it, “Let’s go see your office!” he smiled at Alfie.
Jack went around his desk, grabbed a set of keys and left his office without holding the door for the elf. Once he was in the Great Hall, he turned to see Alfie struggle with the heavy door. “C’mon now, I don’t wanna be late for my meeting!”.
Alfie had to run to keep up with Jack, who was 2.5 meters tall, just like Armand. Fortunately, his new office was quite close to the devil’s. It had a simple dark wooden door, with a brand new name plate on it which said “Alfie ‘the Elf’ Johnson”. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the sight of it. Jack opened the door for him.
“Voila!” he said with a perfect French accent.
What unfolded before them was hardly an office. It was a cluster of filing cabinets, some one on top of another, all bursting with papers and folders. Alfie’s mouth opened in shock as he noticed that the room seemed to expand further than his eyes could see.
“How big is this office?” he asked, trembling.
“Oh, it has no end” Jack’s devious smile appeared again. “Well, I have now 1 minute to get back to my office for the meeting,” he said looking at his watch, “good luck and I’ll see you in about 2 hours!” he continued, the same smile on his face, as he pushed the elf inside his new office. Alfie took a few steps inside the room, too overwhelmed to say anything else. The door closed with a loud thud behind him, and he turned to see that he was now completely alone. The thud was loud enough to shake the walls of the entire place, and Alfie watched in horror as the shadow of one of the filing cabinets started trembling. It was perched on top on another cabinet, but in a precarious balance, and it wasn’t long until Alfie was face down on the floor, with a cabinet almost as tall as him on his back.

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© diana.b