i lay down on my bed as i face the ceiling in my dark room . tonight i want to think. i wanna talk to myself. the daily life has muffled the inside voices for too long. i wanna try to reconnect with myself. the only problem is, i dont know myself. i dont mean to exaggerate but thats the truth. who am i? i thought by now my life would have been sorted. but i dont want to talk or think abt who i am today. i just simply want to cry. i want to cry up to the point that my head feels like its under a hydraulic press and the pressure is abt to make my eyes pop. but why cant i cry. i used to cry in a record time whenever i thought of sad things. have i become so used to those thoughts that they dont invoke the same reaction like they used to. a sad video or song can make me cry but why not my feelings. to the naked eye, my life seems normal. my family is bad nor good. we just live. i attend the best university in the country with the best degree. i have no problems. i dont. i think i dont. then why do i feel so empty, suffocated. every day seems the same. it makes me wish that i died sometimes but i dread the thought of death but i yearn for it. i hate feeling like this. i hate pretending that im always happy. im not. why cant you guys see that. why do i have to keep this facade on every day. im tired of smiling. im tired of listening to everyone elses problems in life. im tired of being everyones therapist. i have problems too. you dont make me feel safe to share. everyone is always so tied up with their own lives to even care so why bother you. i saw a question abt who will you think will stay longer at your grave when i die. the fact that i couldn't even think of anyone breaks my heart. i couldnt even think of mentioning my own mother cause i know where me and her stand. i will always be that one friend that you will forever take granted for. the one who you will always say "she will understand ". its true when they said "the understanding heart always bleeds the most ". i want to selfish sometimes. i want to think abt myself but sadly it seems that other peoples feelings are way more important than my own. funny how i try to make everyone happy but im still seen as thedaughter who will always be ungrateful or just rude. But why do i have to agree with everyone for them to see me as a good friend or a a good daughter. why do i have to mirror your personality for me to be seen. im exhausted. im confused. i have a thousand thoughts but none at the same time. i want to say what i feel but i dont have the words to describe them. i have tried reaching out but im told that i am too complicated or too confused for them to understand. its moments like this one i wish i never met anyone in my life. i wish i never had friends. a random stranger on the Internet saw through my facade but you as my parent or friend didnt. my expectation on ppl will never fail to make disappointed. i wanna continue but rn and always my thoughts are all over the place so maybe ill continue this later 😕. bye for now 💕
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