" If "
I want to start by saying that I gave my all. when I think about how that sounds it's really sad. I gave my all but at what cost,or was by all valued, respected or even really wanted?in this day in age "all" has so many different meanings. In the relationship/ romantic area of my life "my all" has never seemed to be enough. I have always mentally abuised myself in the way of I will be better if _____? the end of that statement always varies it starts at if I lost weight or had a bigger butt,had a different acent. then goes into if I had more money,a nice car, if u was funnier, gad better clothes ect. ect. ect.
Right now in this moment I realize that if I changed all those things the only real answer or solution would be if I was a completely different person.
Now at almost 45 is not dam I better start exercising or learning jokes. it means that I'm not where I'm supposed to be or with whomever I'm supposed to be with.
One of if not my biggest fear 8s being alone. I believe that a list of people probably share that same fear . my what if seems to he changing right before my eyes. I mean right now as I'm writing this "note to self" I guess it would be. What if I've been holding back my victorys all because I didn't want to be alone?
when I was young I moved around a lot and actual physical places and with groups of people I associated myself with always maintaining a level of communication with the people no matter what type of friendship it was but I've always felt different I will try to express what kind of different that I'm talking about. have you ever looked into a crowd of people and just felt like you could describe their circumstances if not only by looking but if you listen to them for a minute then really I could have a glimpse into the whole sense of who they really are .Now at times that could be scary for some people but for me it was exciting because I'm like most the word bad didn't necessarily mean bad people it was more like they are broken or they need more love or more respect or really just a true friend.
I thought I could fix everybody or at least help them find the right path to be fixed on now thinking back I think there is no way to fix what is some things just are so does that mean that I've been broken to or need to be fixed.
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