These days, and for the last 10 years people have been obsessed with having lots of followers on Social Media, the more followers you have, the more power and influence you have. Don't get me wrong, I do this too, I will admit that fact and there is nothing wrong with it. We all wanna be liked, praised, admired, adored, loved of course paid if your lucky. That human nature, and didn't wanna be popular back in high school, I know I did! With Social Media, you are able to get, your able to have your dream come of being loved and liked. It is a great feeling, and I happy for those who that opportunity and I wish you the best of luck. But, it's different for me, yes, I do crave the love and affection part of it, because I never really had that growing up. Both my parents were incapable of showing love and affection. My dad, did show affection back when I was little, but once he had is heart surgery everything change( mom calls it a heart attack and dad calls it a broken, and to this day there still is a debate on which on it is). After, the heart surgery dad still stop showing affection, he stopped doing all things I used to love as kid, no more claming, no more boating, no more nothing. As the years went by he such got bitter, grump and tired. I personally think it's laziness but according to she said the doctors told her that people who have open-heart get tired very easily and are unable to do lots of physical activities which is pretty much what's happening now. My mother's way of showing me affection was buying me things, probably because she felt guilty for all abuse she put me through, put she care enough about my education. Guess that her way of showing me that she loves me, because my mom is just able to express love or any emotions for that matter. If does show emotions then she'll always take it the extreme to the point where you feel like your in a horror movie. As for my dad, I don't think he knows what loves is. He doesn't take good care of his body and is always exposing it to toxic chemicals, so I doubt he loves himself to take of his health they way he should. I mean he does take medicine when he needs it, oh and FYI if you get sick and need medicine all he'll say drink lots of fluid and get lots of rest, but when he is sick all of sudden there is medicine everywhere, and then he'll complain that your taking to long to recover. Well, isn't that a great way to show that you love someone by not giving a damn about there well-being. Another way he shows his love affection is giving you all the junk items you need and keeping all the goods for himself. If that wasn't enough then he'll get rid of your stuff sentimental or not call it junk and he'll get rid of it without your knowledge, ruin it by turning it into a rag or letting it get destroyed by the weather. I have never been in love, but I am pretty sure that is not what love is or affection. Luckily I did and still do have, but not as much as I did in past who did express love and affection. Thanks to my sister(who is 12 years older than me) I did receive love and affection and she was openly able to express it, so I know she loves me. Now, that you've heard my life story let's get back to the Social Media. As I said, Social Media to me isn't about love and affection from followers, but I don't mind it kinda do want it, but not for reasons you might. To me, Social Media is about keeping a promise I made to my younger self. You see I made a promise when I was about five or six years and I remember that day well. I was in my babysitter's large and creepy living room it was sometime during day probably the afternoon, (so long ago and wasn't keeping track anyways). I was wearing a flowered dress(I wear nothing but dresses until half way through the fourth grade got made fun of for constantly and would ask me why I am wearing dress. A hundred years ago that was the only thing we could wear.) and I was watching either a movie or a 90's kid TV Show. While, looking at the televison all by my lonesome(I was almost alone in that house, very rarely did I have a playmate, some of the playmates were not very nice). I told myself that I promise to be on that screen, because somewhere out there is a little girl out there who is like me and she need to be reached out know that she is not alone, that now she has someone to look up too, someone who understands her, because she alone and only can save her and of course you know she watching TV because you're watching TV and is just like you. For while, I thought if I become an actress then I can reach that little girl in the flowered dress who is all alone staring at the TV. But, I couldn't read and so every play and acting class I was in just past on the script to someone else and ignored me just like everybody else does. Eventually they had to put me in the play, but I barely had any lines nor screen time. Because I was so lonely and always by myself expected for on weekends when I went down to Eugene, but after the year 2000, I just stopped playing with everybody. Not because I didn't want to, but because a couple of my friends did a few hurtful things to me to where my parents(mostly dad) wouldn't allow me to go over and I wouldn't wanna go over there even if I wanted. The other friends I had either moved away or I lost contact with them. Also, I was becoming a pre-teen meaning I was getting to old and or lost interest in my friends(side note, the friend I had lost interest in playing with is a boy name Billy who lives a couple of houses away from my dad in Eugene, Oregon, and top of that before Billy and his family moved in one of the friends who hurt me lived in that and was dating my dad's tenant at the time). Besides, from that I was always alone especially I was up in Salem during the week for school. I was bullied, neglected, abused and because I watched so much TV, I mean I watched a lot of TV and was always alone. I started role-playing first they start out as fan-fiction they developed into completely new character with a different background and story from the original. It was with this, my role-playing where I felt like I had chance to become an actress and reach that little girl sitting in front of the TV wearing a flowered all by her loneself. But, I stopped, it's almost as if I had given up hope or forgotten my promise, I still had my role-playing that I never gave up and still do to this day. My role-playing has been very theraputic and a great coping mechanism for dealing with the loneliness. Then Lord of the Ring: Two Towers came out and it relight the spark of wanting to become actress, then few years, I wanted to become a screenwriter and actress who acted their own screenplays that didn't work out so, now I wanna become a writer and share my role-playing stories with the rest of the world because they helped me a lot and I figured I could keep my promise. Now, I have kinda put that on the side and started focusing on Disability Justice which I have been doing for the last ten years(I still wanna write and share my stories, but I have dysgrapia which is kinda like dyslexia only this one is for writing not reading, so I'll have figure out another way to do that, also my grammar sucks, it's really bad, I mean really bad almost terrible but miner improvements). So, Disability Justice, now that beings us back to today and back to Social Media. Because all crazyness in my life which your bound to get some Disabilities from that and the promise I made. I have the best way to keep my promise is to build a platform I wanna do YouTube Channel which I already made but like everything is put on hold because I need help and can't do it by myself( I always need help when it comes to starting anything, guess it's an ADHD thing, don't once I get started I am often able to do it on my own). So that too is put on hold, one day, someday I will actually start putting up content up there mostly regarding stuff about Disabilities but also other stuff as well, but for now all I have is Instagram and Twitter, I did have Snapchat, but everyone who freinded would soon delete me without any explaination it got to point where it was so bad and it was making me depressed, and giving me low-esteem so I said screw it I am just gonna delete it(I only got Snapchat because my Best Friend Tanyka whom I've known since the fourth grade made me do, oh and was always moving around so I didn't get to see her very often, I am actually surprised we're still still best friends would have happened if we didn't say in contact). I don't have a TikTok account but I am highly considering it for me YouTube Channel platform. Not really much of selfie person so I don't go on Instagram much and I don't know what to put on there and LOVE taking pictures lots and lots of pictures(I'll taken suggestions if any of you some) So, that just leaves Twitter(another side note: I made a Twitter account in 2012/13 completely forgot about it, then made current account because of the 2016 Presidential Election. Huge fan of Bernie Sander incase your wondering I was BernieOrBust back in 2016 am again in 2020. I live Oregon, so it doesn't matter whom I vote because it's always going to be blue, there was a time where that wasn't true, but for last 20 years that has been the case. If you have alway noticed I am really into Politics, I blame that on my dad.( Intersting fact both Bernie Sander and my dad are Brooklyn Jews). Any ways, back to Twitter, Because of my promise and the fact I don't want anyone to go through what I through alone and by their lonesome self. I decided to did it on Twitter(if know of any other Social Media sites that you think I should try let me know). Because why not, everybody else is doing it and it's a great way to build connection and network, in fact thanks to I have already got a few people wanting to participate in Disability Justice, so it is happening, me keeping my promise to my younger self. Not as much as I hoped and I am frustrated that several candidates and podcast/talk show host have not responded to my Direct Messages. Luckily, some responded so thats progress and they both are in large cities, so I will have some reach through my Disability Advocacy, but not as much as I hoped. The only way I know to keep my promise is to educate people, give them facts and share things from my points. Because you can look at something and not know it's inbetween the lines. Also, I like fighting for the underdog, it's exhausting and physically, mentally and emotionally draining but if I don't do it who will? If don't call it out then who will? No will, because Disables are ignored from the Social and Political Process. It's ironic if you think about it, one of every three or six adults have a Disability, yet it comes Social Justice work, representation in everything, in the Policital Process we're the most ignore. Yet we're the largest minority group in the country sixty plus million people yet we have less than one percent of representations in anything and everything(If see a Disabled Person on TV, nine of ten times their not Disabled, or they are Disabled but just don't have that disability that the character they are playing has.) You see, it's things like these that I wanna educate people on, as well as help people and be the role model I never had. But when I see that my tweets aren't getting any "likes" or "retweets" or only just few here and there. I often wondered do people care what I have to say as a Disabled Person? Do people actually love Disableds? Am I not reaching enough people to where they can show me some kind of affection for all the hard work and engery I put in and the effort I make on being factual,truthful and accurate?! Being a Disabled Advocate is hard work, but it's worth it to say none the least. All I wanna know is, am I reaching people, am I educating people, does my words and stories matter enough to where it can have far enough reach to help that one person. It doesn't have to be a girl in the flower dress staring at the TV. It can be that Hard of Hearing Teenager whose never met someone under fifty who is also Hard of Hearing and doesn't speak Sign Language. I know what's like not to see yourself on or off screen. I know what's like not to have your voice heard or believed. And so I try to do that with Twitter, but it's hard when no body seems to care! It would be awesome if one of my tweets when viral then I'll know people care enough to believe what I have to say and that it's genuine. I want people to care enough about the facts, accuracy and the things that are forgotten or ignored. Like Disability Racism, no where do you Disability Racism mention in Racial Justice, yet Disability Racism is the most violent type of Racism and half of the people killed by cops since the Death of Eric Gardener are in fact Disabled, but nobody other than Historians will acknowledge that fact not mention that Disability Racism is number killer for People of Color. And in case you didn't already know the Disability part of Disability Racism will always be excluded from the conversation on Racism and Racial Justice. You would think considering all that is happening right now that people would interested in knowing what Disability Racism is to where they wanna ask questions on what it is spread it and tell their friends
But no matter how many times I tweet about it, not very many people retweet it. Who am kidding, I took a break from twitter for mental health reasons and because I getting obsessed with it, now I am sitting here, writing about how my tweets are not getting retweeted;therefore,I am failure at keeping my promise to my younger self and doing my job as a Disabled Advocate all because I am not getting enough tweets, it sucks, but I am just gonna have to come to terms with the fact and lower my expection of getting or recieving or even feeling love and affection through twitter and other social media sites. As well as keeping my promise. I hope things changes, that I'll have enough actually about my work and what do. But I guess for now I'll have to comes to terms that am not very likable and that no cares. Oh well, it's not like I haven't dealt with this thing before in my life and after the election it's no more Twitter or Instagram just like before and I have this app Writco it's place where I actually feel heard and that my voice matters. I don't know if I kept my promise through all the writing I have done to where it has empowered, inspired, educate and helped all those who read it. But at least Writco gives me the affection and love I need.