I have started this so many times and chickened out way more than that but something still tells me that I need to share this because it's not about what you've been through but it's about what you can do with what you've been through share what you've been through help somebody out because in the end you go through it and don't help anybody what good did it do. I want to start out saying that I never intended to ever cause harm to the most important people that I ever had in my life my family my four beautiful girls and the friends that I had a long time ago. I don't want any sympathy and I don't want to talk about everything that this did to me because in the end what it did to the ones that I love I learned was way worse. I remember being happy like I can truly sit here and remember feeling happy feeling protected and loved and safe and just like I had no cares in the world that's what my parents did for me even though it was most definitely there lies that taught me things I never wanted to pass to my children.
Theres a lot of things that we could get into you can set me up to sound like I was so broken and that's why this happened but I just want to make sure that, even if it's only one person that hears me please don't shrug it away like that could never happen to me, I know because that is exactly what I believed.
You can be smart successful outgoing strong-willed loving a great mother a friend to everyone and just a very happy person and in an instant not such an instant it took a little bit of time but it was so gradual and manipulative that I didn't even know understand or relate to anything that was going on so that I could put up walls or red flags were going off it wasn't like,that so if you're with anyone and they fit into anything that I'm about to say run and don't look back! I never really knew the things I'm about to say until I lived in it for 20 years and now feel that this is my purpose to share the knowledge that I've been schooled and tested and practiced and lost until I didn't I think that I'm supposed to share this that's the purpose that's the reason it took me so long it took me losing everything, everyone,my babies ,my mom ,my dad my brothers and my baby sister my best friend and of course completely losing myself respect, my self esteem and the 4 most important people to truly be able to hit that point where you have nowhere else to go but the grave or something else. I chose something else I chose my kids even though it was mostly too late I chose the one that was the youngest the one that was mostly affected by this because I couldn't get her out of it the one that I will never be able to explain why I her mother her protector her giver of Life was not strong enough to get her away from the most evil that I've ever known. You think you know someone and you get into a relationship with them and they just sweep you off your feet and they're so charming and charismatic and just everything that you've been looking for and your kids love him and they do everything for you or so you think.
I remember when I met we'll call him the evil and I was just so drawn to him to every thing about him and now I wonder over and over day after day what was I doing what was wrong with me at that moment that lead me to the decision to let this evil into my life that?
He demolition my life with not one smidge of regret, a true Narsisit evil that looks like gq and charms everyone but not the real, for me I got to be up close and personal with a physcopath.
Everyone dear to me and everything that I ever dreamed of my life being was just like squash it between his hands, like it just didn't happen at all.
This took years of manipulation and control until I finally couldn't take it and my babies my only true loves were not with me so I couldn't fight it and really I was sinking deeper and deeper.
I was going to have another baby I was like everything is going to be better little did I know I would make everything so much better. I never got to carry the baby I never knew,more of his way or nothing.
A narcissist always wants to be number one just wants to be in the front they don't care about anything else they're always right you're always wrong and they don't share they don't care if it's their baby or somebody in the street or their mother they do not care they have no feeling they never think they're wrong and this person is the chosen one for me.
The times when you can see the moment everything is going
everyone is going
everyone but me.
I remember believing in perseverance and dedication to the ones you love, and being loyal and faithful to your spouse and the rest would be just fine as long as you take your vows and commitment serious.
You can but only if it's reciprocated and not just one sided. I remember thinking I had messed up so I couldn't let my babies suffer for my wrong decision. I was to pay for this for the next decade of my life while my babies were safe and away from him but they were also away from me. I remember not even knowing where I was and not knowing what dar it was for lots of time.
I did get pregnant again and I made sure that I would deliver my baby and then we would go and get there sisters but
The longer they were gone the more I just wanted to punish myself. I lost all hope and Faith.
he was in and out of trouble with the law always stealing or and doing drugs and taking people's money and then putting me in the mix of it I would always have to go out in the middle of the night and bail them out or pay off some dealer whatever it was and never ask for any of it until I remember when my baby my last one Madison who is now grown so I have four girls all together and Madison is the Baby Alexander is my first and I have Ashley and Lauren in the middle and it was never a planned thing I never chose what kid to put here or what to do when you're in a situation where you don't have any control over even your own actions the best thing to do is to get them away to safety and I just thought it was going to be okay that I could work through it and get it straightened out and maybe he just needed some help and you know the first time I ever he came to my house on my kids were there in the house they were sleeping and stuff and he had cocaine stuff and I never even knew it I didn't have that stuff around me I took care of my babies and went to work and then this man just was there and charmed me and my kids and I was blindsided because I was looking for something and all the wrong places and I know now that it's deep within me and it came from a lifetime of disappointment I know that the first narcissist in my life was my mother,and you know it took me 50 years to figure this out.
I missed out on everything and all I ever wanted was to be a mom like I had never known.
the SOB took everything all of my daughter's lives and mine and just threw it across the room.
Myoldest I have a relationship with her and my baby girl she had to be there with us because he wouldn't go away and if I tried to leave I would have never seen my baby again or any because he made sure I knew he was capleable of anything he showed me so I was afraid all the time.
No one believed me and they started turning on me and I was getting put in the hospital I was getting looked at and everything got switched up and he was druging me and doing some unspeakable things I just can't say all of that but it was things I couldnt believe were really happening to menot of my free.
Wheny girls were gone I didn't really care you know complete loss of touch with realality for a while.
When I had to put Madison with his mother because he wouldn't work I had to and I didn't want him there to take care of her while I wasn't there.
I had to put her finally at her grandmother's because I just couldn't take it anymore the hotels and stuff and then things got really bad.
He became like a person on a mission to just do everything that he wanted and be damned everybody else and he was definitely taking me down with all I had left any hope for someone saving me from him,he made sure that I alienated all of my friends and family until I just had him and stopped caring what he did to me because my heart had been ripped from my chest and my youngest got taught to blame me. I remember this 1 time I had decided to go to rehab I wanted to be clear this was already 12 years into this and I did drugs to not feel the ache I couldn't stop not for 1 day and not 17 years I still morned the loss of my children and I took it out on myself. I would puss him off because I couldn't stop crying and missing all of them all while 2 of them I couldnt even see and I blamed myself and took the pain as my only truth the guilt and shame took the most of me.I thought I should suffer like I knew my kids would not have to,I used to say as I lay in pain in some hotel that I will go through all the pain so they can be free and can begin to heal and find the joy that they took the last time I hugged them and said goodbye I will see you soon I will do my best..please my best was useless because I had the blame and shame of sending my kids awAy from me the only place they had been was with me.
I can't sit and even remember exactly the first time that the abuse happened but I know that the first of it started with just belittling and humiliating me just for his own amusement.
That went on for a while until just I was broken you know like a horse.
My self-esteem was completely gone and destroyed but you're already in love with this person and they've never acted like that before but and then it just it just went crazy and I had never dealt with anything like this before I never met anyone so evil, like to his core.
Youcould look in his eyes and they were blank the same eyes that I looked in and thought there is so much love in him.
I just hope that with all these jumbled words I'm not even going to go back and look at them I don't even know what it looks like because it's really hard to even get this out and say this things that my girls don't know things that no one knows now I'm not really sad to say any of it I'm not really scared but at that time I was so ashamed was so ashamed and filled with guilt that I carried it with me like a sweater like my own charm that I kept with me all the time it was my comfort it was what got me through.
The last time 17 years later I absolutely remember every single thing that happened that day.
I mean I was living in a in a domestic violence shelter and he would find me and then threaten orcoax me backwith the only promise I wanted to get Madison and try.
I went to Florida and took my daughter and went there away from him and then he got me to come back because my mother really made me go look for this because that's what she had shown me my whole life and she was the one that was supposed to teach me that love is what you deserve and respect is what you deserve.
Not money and power over people that don't even know who you are.
That way all my mother ever cared about was what she looked like to everyone else and we were to smile and keep our mouths shut.
At least she didn't really use putting hands on me but she never wanted me I was inconvenience and a disappointment she Always let me know.
anyway things went on very badly for a long time with the evil and all that it entailed his mother his family most of them knew what he was about and they accepted it made excuses for him the church really didn't believe or didn't say anything never reached out never asked anything and they knew him for 30 years I just never believed he just started acting like that when he met me.
I remember the last time I saw him and he said to me you're not going anywhere I don't allow.
let's get up to speed now I have been in counseling for years up until this point we're 15 years in now I know 14 years in and Madison's at her grandmother's I see here on a regular basis and but I still live with him and in the shelter too I go back and forth but I'm in and out of the hospital all the time and really my little girl was scared of me and blamed me and all this and he had her wrapped her on his finger he did it that time she didn't believe anything that I said because of course I looked crazy because I was in the hospital all this time it's because it was better than being with him and I really thought what was wrong with me I needed help.
I remember the day I woke up and went to the counselor at the hospital where I was in house for a month and I was just trying not to lose all that I fought and drugged up from my memories of things I never knew but still couldn't find it all right then before I could remember the flashes of memories and me being 7 years old like 1 of the sessons at the hospital was to right a letter to say goodbye to the pain to the drugs and most of all to the abuse I still couldn't get out because my youngest was there with his mother and him whenever he wanted to go eat get money take from his mother and never give.
I know I was just going to play the game until I could get away with her.
My oldest daughter Alexandra was very close with her sister her baby sister and her other two that she would go and see also she was a rockstar she never faltered she always loved me she still loves me not even knowing herself because she was so young anything besides I'm with Mom and now she's putting me with Dad she knows now and she understands but understanding and forgiving and taking that hole and filling it up with something else that's where this is going to come in and I hope it's going to be able to help someone but maybe help them to understand this is not even the whole thing and this is not the way it went I'm trying to break it down I'm trying not to say things that I never want them to read but there were a lot of bad things and now they're all grown so they can handle it I had to wait till they got grown I just had to wait.
Al was always picking up mad and they were very close that's who Madi started attaching more and more because she was ready to believe things and I wasn't going there so to stir things with him why he was there.
I was living in a shelter for domestic violence shelter at this time and I would come over and stay with Madison he would be there or not he was still controlling me even though I wasn't there sleeping or staying all day he never stopped calling me I wasn't he would be like show up across the street or I had to be careful with whatever I would go along and then for a lot of times I would just do it out of habit like because my whole goal by that time was just keep them happy and safe let this last child get big enough so she can get out of here and then I can go I have to get her out of here and Madison didn't believe that I was a victim she thought everything he said was true because I let her just blame me so that I didn't put that on her as well.
Anyway I'm going to start to wrap this up but the time came where Madison had called her sister and they were going to come get me so we could all go out to Allies where she had my grandbabies but I would go back to the shelter because I had to and I never wanted him to even know where allies house was so it was very on the down low.
I was in the place though and I wanted to finally listen to the counselors and do the classes to work through what I know now was PTSD from years and years of manipulation and abuse down right dispicable things that no human being should ever have to go through from anyone but not a spouse.
I had therapy and counseling for the whole time I was with him and I still have to go see a therapist for the things I still can't forgive for.
Anyway Allie took me back and then took her sister to stay with her for the weekend.
A little more time has passed when I hear that the evil (John) was saying that Allie and I had made dirty movies and we were on back page...that is where you get girls btw and never even looked at one but he was saying crazy accusations toward both of us and she being a Rock Star like I said was ready to go up to protect me and her sister. I could not let her because if anything was to happen to these 4 girls after all the years of being away from them, the 2 girls that were not around him since they were about 8 and 10. After all if the pain that was our only connection by then wasn't going to be for nothing.
I get her to just get ready for something because I knew it was coming it always did when I would start getting better and staying more and more in the shelter without coming back.
He actually was so messed up on so much bad drugs was driving around looking and saying we were in some car getting out in the middle of the road and swearing that it was us. He called up his mother and made Madison get on the phone and started telling her these things that were so outlandish about Alexandra and me her mother that he was screaming it about that we were whores and we were on the back page and that she was never going to see us again she was never allowed to be around us that she was to get the thing and she was to look it up right now and do you know she was 15 years old and he stayed and made her do that till she cried and screamed and begged her Mimi which was her grandmother to make him stop.
at least he wasn't there he was on the phone that was the only reason that I'm talking to you today probably Helen which was his mother her Mimi finally did something that I was very much not expecting and she called me and I was at the place at the shelter and Ali was at home and she told me what it has happened and that Madison needed to see me she was crying she wanted me do you know I got chills right now just saying it because it was the first time and so long that I heard that from any of my children so I was I didn't care about anything but getting there and I was like hysterical but I pulled myself together because I had learned that that didn't get me anywhere and I figured a plan.
Ali came and brought two people that have known for a very long time I'm not going to say their names but a very good friends actually one person is kind of is related to her so her dad's brother and I've known him since before his wife and they had been together they've been together 20 years so forever I grew up with my first daughter's family like knowing them. I told her come and get me yes bring them yes tell them to put those on their side and they were registered I didn't know what was going to happen but I needed them to get there as fast as possible and that we had a time frame and that she was meeting us and I did not want to miss it and these people in the it was it was late came all the way from where they were to come get me which took them about 45 minutes to an hour and we finally got there to meet her and we were meeting her in a mall parking lot and everybody was scared and Madison ran up to me and she was terrible and she was crying and that was the very first time that I saw I could get her out of this it was the first time that I wasn't scared of him I was worried for her only I wasn't scared that he was going to jump out and get me or come grab her yeah I was scared I was very scared of that but the man standing there said you don't need to worry about it that's not going to happen and he didn't know where we were going and no one knew where we were going and they still don't know where we went because I'll tell you people we went with them and I never saw him again and my daughter has never slayed eyes on him again she wants nothing to do with him and that she will be 20 years old soon. It was hard at first just wondering if he would find us just to get Madi he knew I would come with her but after 17 years of always 4giving and coming back I knew I had to do something to show my baby girl she was safe so I just never answered the phone or discussing messages and that was how we were able to start over. Free
© All Rights Reserved