In DID, it is common to feel fake or have imposter's syndrome about your diagnosis or even your suspicions. It is also a common part of DID for life to not feel real. It is apart of the disorder.

Last night, I experience what I call "hard blackouts", where I randomly go completely unconscious. It is just black and I’m gone. These are the scariest experiences of my life. They are talked about frequently, but I wanted to share mine.

It was 2 a.m. and I was on a call with my long-distance boyfriend. We are both getting tired and I start fading in and out. Thankfully, this has happened prior and my boyfriend understood what was happening.

He attempted to regain my attention or the attention of others. When that failed, he scrolled through his phone, waiting.

Eventually, someone said "hello" and it was in a deeper tone voice, then our natural voice. They sounded down and depressed with a whisper.

My boyfriend attempted to say hello and get a response from them. But it was futile to attempt. Nobody had responded and it was another wait.

I came back in a panic, muted my mic, drank water, and alertly sat up. I hear him say "hey who is this?" And at first, I don’t register who I am. But a moment later, I said its Trina.

He then asks if I’m ok and I ask what happened? Because it wasn't normal I fell asleep on you.

He had explained the story to me and I freaked out. This is scary no matter how aware you are of your DID. Knowing someone else is taking over when you're not even conscious is simply terrifying.

I talk to him about it in utter disbelief and pass out.

Today, I had texted the crisis text line for support because I am still freaked out. I explain the situation to the woman and she is thoroughly stumped.

She tells me it was a vivid dream and to explain to my family.

This experience made me realize how real this disorder is. Most fays, I feel fake and like it's an act. Situations like these can’t be faked. If they can, not easily.

I've had many more experiences like this. Random abrupt anger, co-conscious mumbling conversations, hard blackouts like these, random allergies that come out of nowhere, etc.

This disorder is real but feels so inexplicably unreal. I have no real control of this.

My friends say its nothing and I shouldn't worry. But I worry a lot. It really hurts to be dismissed in this way.

I hope my ramble wasn't too everywhere. I hope you take something away from this.

Thank you.

-Trina (The Masquerade System)

© trina