The first time I started seeing Priyanka in a different light, I started getting the same vibes being around my first and the only serious crush I had until then...

I was torn between arousal and guilt, nothing the sort 'Erotic' happened, but I had recurring thoughts about Mahima...

This story would be incomplete if I don't mention this phase i went through at the beginning, it was soothing, and painful at the same time. This episode doesn't help in progressing the story, doesn't cater to audience of erotica...it could as well be shared as an independent short story.

But I realized my feelings to Priyanka was more than mere seductive fantasies in those initial days. To convey what I actually went through, I feel this story deserves to be shared.


Ep3. Around my first love, again.

The first day, back at their flat…I was literally living in hell, it felt like sitting in a theatre playing your much awaited movie; but with your eyes forced shut…

I couldn’t keep eye contact with her. I tried to keep away from her in order to prevent such thoughts provoking me. She talked to me just like how she used to, but I felt uncomfortable around her and moved away citing some unreasonable excuse. I couldn’t even call her ‘priyanka chechi’ anymore. When I had to converse, I tried calling her Chechi (sister) ,the way I easily used to. But it stayed in my mouth, like a forbidden word you never call a lover. I didn’t use any name to call her, I just started talking to her without any salutations, the way you talk to closest ones, yet the way you inquire something to a strangest co-passenger in a bus journey… no salutations, just the ideas to convey., closest yet farthest…complicated.

I felt like having a forbidden pleasure. I felt like I was around Mahima…But in the case of Priyanka, it was not merely that, because Mahima was never my closest relative. She didn’t even knew me for the first year I stalked on her. It was a silent crush.
I reminisce her often, her memories,. I have read somewhere, on some cringiest Instagram story that “ The first love is always the fondest for a boy.” For those curious to know what happened, read on, the next few paragraphs convey her story in my life.

I didn’t propose to her because feared rejection would be hard to handle. I didn’t even discussed it with my closest friends, not even a single person for I knew it was a beautiful feeling of romance, and beautiful things must be kept safe from people…I feared they might spoil it…and I was not wrong, it happened in second year of this one-sided love story, during tuition class, one of my friends found out that I tested ‘FLAMES’ with Mahima’s name(for those who are not familiar, it’s a fun activity to find compatibility between two people using their names. Flames stand for Friends,lovers,acquaintance,marriage,enemy,sister ). I got ‘acquaintance’. They teased me, and eventually it was a popular gossip in tuition circles. I couldn’t face Mahima for a few weeks, I left early from tuition classes without daily sessions of gossip for the period, but gradually everyone forget the incident when other interesting stories popped up. But you won’t forget it, when you are the main character of the story… when we met after midterm exam vacations, Mahima talked to me as she did earlier. I knew that she knew the happenings three weeks prior. But She didn’t appear to have heard of any. At first, it was worser than rejection, but soon, I felt she was okay with the relation. She talked more, slowly about more personal matters while we waited for bus from school . My friends started weaving new gossips around us, and I felt like the boss. It was rare in my gang to have a successful relationship, and they saw me as an idol who wooed the cutest girl in the school. I was carried away by the newfound aura, and nodded approving their fantasies, and boosting my own ego.

But it didn’t last longer. Someone leaked it to the girls gang, and wildly different interpretations reached Mahima’s ears. She started avoiding me. The distance was felt, and soon the usual breakup gossip was the news for few days. That year, before final exams I mustered courage to propose her. On our school annual day, she and some other girls from their division was listed for dance. Due to rain and some technical issues, their event was postponed to evening. It was still raining drizzle when I called her out of green room. I confronted my demons and inquired why she was avoiding me. She said she never avoided me. I asked whether she knew the incidents ,the gossips surrounding us. She asked whether they were true, to which I replied yes. She stared away, to the audience watching the programme and said.
“We are the next … we can meet later.”

I waited for her to return. But when her programme was over, her father came and picked her up since it was getting late and was raining. I waited for the next day I could see her, I didn’t had her phone number.
I couldn’t meet her afterwards. I still had hope to find her during exams. But we got two different exam centres due to heavy rains. I felt destiny was tearing us apart. I still kept hopes that I could meet her next year… After two months of vacation which I spend at Priyanka’s house, occasionally thinking about Mahima, I was back in school to find out that she changed school. No one from her friends circle knew where she went. One of her closest friend gave me her number after I pleaded a lot.

That evening, I called her from my mother’s phone.
“ Mahima?”
“I am her mother. Who are you?”
I introduced myself as an EVS club member from earlier school, and requested her mother to connect to her.
“Who is this?” Mahima responded.
“Abhishek.”
There was a long pause from the other side. That silence spoke more than words ever would.
“ Do you remember me?” I broke the silence
“ Wrong number.” Said that familiar voice., an ‘acquaintance.’
And she disconnected the call, ending that chapter ever since.

© loop