He had always been a loner and that had not really changed.

Some said he appeared remote at times and even arrogant. He somehow seemed to give off an air of superiority and of not wishing to mix with others. The very clear message was; don't bother me unless you have something important to say. Don't engage me in small talk as it has no purpose. He lived his life in boxes – home, golf, school, friends etc– and it was rare for an individual to be included in more than one box. This made it easier to have a different persona for any given occasion.

Others said he was manipulative and ultra confident. He certainly got what he wanted and was more than happy to share his opinions under the right conditions; even when those listening did not really wish to hear them. He was certainly a pedant and would rarely let go of a disagreement when he knew his view was right. After all he never argued about an issue unless he was 100% sure of his facts did he? Win the battle even if that meant losing the war could have been his motto.

He'd been moderately successful during his working life, rising to a senior management position in a comparatively small company. His teams would usually describe him as tough but fair. He supported those loyal to him against any opposition but would remember to give that particular member of staff a bollocking afterwards if he felt it was deserved. He would often describe himself as middle aged, middle income and middle class. Average and an underachiever. Maybe even lazy.

He had a very finely honed sense of justice which resulted in not always being able to see that there were indeed an infinite number of shades of grey between the extremes of black and white. It was more than likely that he would support the underdog and it frustrated him that the whole world appeared corrupt and he couldn't understand the fascination most people had for celebrities and social media. As far as he was concerned respect should be earned and not given without thought just because of position or wealth.

The transition to retirement 10 or so years ago had been easy. He had always worked to live rather than vice versa, despite appearances to the contrary. He now felt free and relished the concept of waking up each morning and being able to choose what to do. Stay in bed all day, read at 3am, redecorate the bedroom – all these and more had been done. Life was no longer ruled by the clock as it used to be – meetings, flights, deadlines – all were a thing of the past.

Everyone wears a mask and he was no exception. Appearances can be deceptive and the truth about him was very different. In many ways he was shy with low self-esteem. That breakdown 3 years ago had shaken him to the core even though it had ultimately led to a real understanding of himself and an acceptance of who he was. He seemed stand-offish in company because he felt inferior but relished the opportunity to have a serious debate on a one to one basis on any interesting issue with someone who had also thought through his opinion and had not taken his views wholesale from The Mail online.

Painful though it was at the time, his depression had led to a self awareness and the start of an acceptance of who he was without thoughts of guilt or embarrassment. Although his parents were perhaps the cause of many of what he considered to be his issues, he couldn't blame them. Children didn't come with a handbook and his parents had acted in a way they felt was most appropriate given the circumstances.

He had at long last accepted his own mortality. It was nothing personal. Just nature's way of regenerating. However with that acceptance came the realisation that at his age there may not be many summers left. There was so much to do. So many things which should not be missed. A bucket list was drawn up. It was time to change. An all encompassing objective was needed to steer him in the right direction and take him to new, fresh experiences and he found it in the phrase “push my boundaries and take me out of my comfort zone”. He now accepted any challenge which came along and rarely refused any invitation to try something new (although wing walking or sky diving might need a much greater degree of thought before a decision could be made).

Life was good. Certainly some things undertaken turned out to be scary. Emotionally life was still turbulent from time to time. He had always said that each decade he lived had been better then the previous one and had had real concern that going forward this might not be as true. However, he was now confident that changes made to his approach to life but, more importantly, changes he had made to the way he thought of himself would continue to bring benefits.

There was no place for regrets. Life is for living. Bring it on....

© All Rights Reserved