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Journal- Entry Number -3- (The Spirits Are Always Listening)
Sunday October 1st, 2023
There’s a thought process as I reminisce back to the days when things seem a bit more clearer. Watching this romance multi-cultural film about going out of one’s comfort zone in pursuit of happiness appears to be surreal, yet at the same time an exciting journey. Although it has been weeks since my wife and I had a full conversation before she was admitted to the hospital. I became even more at peace with myself in accepting the hard truth. As much as I have made up my mind about our romantic relationship no longer in existence, I also believe she has also done the same. In her laying bed at the hospital after her brain surgery to remove a tumor no one could have suspected to be there, I began to wonder how lonely she must feel in that bed while holding things bundle up inside due to pride. Resentment and anger towards me being the biggest because she truly believed me to be unfaithful. She believed me to be the worst thing that has ever happened to her and I was yet another failed relationship in which no one truly cared for her. But even I know this isn’t true, yet deep down in the depths of my soul it does hurt to know she is in the state that she is in. I have attempted many things in order to see if there was anything left to salvage our marriage. I had hopes that we can work through it, but she refused therapy when I brought it up several times and even so over a year ago today before the cancer gotten worst. It was all before it had spread, but even before her diagnosis I had already made up my mind that things romantically speaking was something un repairable.
I learned so many things that I will forever be greatful for these last six years since the day my wife and I first met. Although she may never believe me, I do cherish many of the wonderful moments we had despite our differences. From the start I genuinely just wanted the life I envisioned in my head. A supportive partner, a best friend and lover, one that I would married and enjoy the simple things in life. Family gatherings in thanksgiving and Christmas along with fun celebrations in spooky events like Halloween. You know, the normal stuff. Now, I get that according to the Bible and many Christians Halloween isn’t something to be taken lightly as it’s a negative that gives power to the evils of this world. However, I do believe as long as my heart is pure and the intent isn’t of evil but merely the free will of family fun, than i don’t see any harm in it. Ofcourse though, to each his or her own I suppose. I Just belive the creator wants his people to live and enjoy the wonderful things this world has to offer. Despite the many obstacles in the midst of it all, there will always be room for some happy days without stress. Relationships are no doubt extremely challenging and many times complicated, but when you’ve learned about yourself and what makes you truly happy. The only complication you have is not giving yourself the opportunity in going for it. I think many times we choose not to be happy and brush it off because society has it set in our minds that true love and happiness are nothing more than a myth. That it isn’t real and it’s a cliché thing that doesn’t truly exist. If you are a believer than you are a whimp whose ideologies of love are just unrealistic expectations that no human being will ever measure up to regardless of how wonderful things appear in the beginning. However, while it may not always be roses and colorful candy canes, it does exist and it begins with finding yourself first and being happy with whom you are. Love yourself so much that you can learn to share it with another knowing to always remain true to yourself no matter what. Never ever allow anyone to change you, but only inspire you to be a better person each and every day loving you for you. For me that is the perfect match as far as relationships are concern. Not everyone may find it, but it does exist and for those who do I’m sure it feels amazing.
I’ve always thought the day I married my wife since it was a genuine thing and not for documentation of any kind like a business transaction, that we have more in common and we were going to grow old together or atleast the thought did cross my mind. You see, I was both shocked and yet confused the day we did mainly because it is and it was my first marriage but I could easily tell because she went all out that it wasn’t exactly the way she wanted it. She always wanted a genuine church wedding. One that her family be there which of course they would all and so would mine. That shortly shattered once the weirdness came into play with the entire spiritual part of our lives. My wife since of young age always had some sort of connection with spirits, guardian angels and saints. As a catholic charismatic, which was the group she was apart of back home in her native foreign island of the Dominican Republic, she truly took these things severely seriously. You could imagine me a man from the Bronx New York growing up and living life as I knew it to be surrounded by violence and being use to someone always being on the 10 o’clock news for either a violation or gang related violence or even more, murders occurring. I was never initially brought into a specific religion or anything. My mother did pray for her children like any mother would, but we weren’t truly religious and yet I’ve always felt a connection with the creator we all know as God or even more his son Jesus Christ. I suppose all things do happen for a reason because I will always admit and be greatful to have gotten closer to the lord because of meeting my wife. She has made me see a different light when I was in the darkness and that is one thing I will forever cherish. Today however, as I’m sitting here laying down actually, typing this down, I could only wonder about when will she be released from the hospital and what are the doctors planning on doing. As of today she surpass the brain operation and it’s been almost two full weeks since, but her body appears to be weak and although the doctors told her mother that they know exactly what they are doing, still, you wonder and are nervous for the outcome.
Even if I wanted to know any information, I’m afraid I could not. In a moment of distress before her surgery, my wife had signed and complied to keep her name out of the system. That everything about her condition remain between her mother and herself. Even if I were to ask or call the hospital, I will get no where. At first I did stress about this decision and it hurt very much because I also remember I was with her in the hospital a few days before where in tears she had told the doctors what she wanted, and as much as I was hurt to know she felt this way towards me, I respectfully translated for her and agreed. You could imagine her distress as well as my heartache as I was both confused, hurt and also shocked that she take things that far and treat me like the ultimate villian. Today I have my things ready and packed because as much as I love to help I could still do so from a distance. She had already decided and a friendship was off the table, but to be quite honest I don’t believe it was ever on the table. It breaks me to know that we weren’t going to work regardless of how much we wanted to try and we were just two people wanting different things. I at least though don’t think of her as an enemy and never will until my final days on this earth. I spoke to her mother in the recent days since I’m still here at the house and told her I will always remain in touch if she ever needed anything, and even she understands that it would never be the same as I saw her stressed out. She had called my wife’s phone and for the first time got no answer at all and she began praying that nothing had gone wrong.
I named this entry the title I have because of the spiritual journey I experienced alongside my wife, and although it was mostly the tough part side of things. I’ve learned much more on mental health and the power of the mind through it all. As much as I belive in the things I’ve experienced I still question many of them because I am a realist individual. I feel like you should question everything and things should just be based on interpretation since there are many things you simply can’t proof that is visible to the eyes. The mystery of this world is to remain so that we can question and form our own beliefs I like to think. Otherwise what is the point and why were we given free will. I could rant about this on and on but the reality stands. I learned to make peace with things as they come to be. I pray each day that the creator would give her the survival chance so she can live a long life alongside her children in peace. Even if I’m no longer in it she would always be apart of my story. For the years we both shared deserves a much better appreciative ending I belive, and I hope whatever the outcome might be that she can forgive me and move on as I am also learning to do myself. I will catch you all on my next entry....
© Johnny Cigars
There’s a thought process as I reminisce back to the days when things seem a bit more clearer. Watching this romance multi-cultural film about going out of one’s comfort zone in pursuit of happiness appears to be surreal, yet at the same time an exciting journey. Although it has been weeks since my wife and I had a full conversation before she was admitted to the hospital. I became even more at peace with myself in accepting the hard truth. As much as I have made up my mind about our romantic relationship no longer in existence, I also believe she has also done the same. In her laying bed at the hospital after her brain surgery to remove a tumor no one could have suspected to be there, I began to wonder how lonely she must feel in that bed while holding things bundle up inside due to pride. Resentment and anger towards me being the biggest because she truly believed me to be unfaithful. She believed me to be the worst thing that has ever happened to her and I was yet another failed relationship in which no one truly cared for her. But even I know this isn’t true, yet deep down in the depths of my soul it does hurt to know she is in the state that she is in. I have attempted many things in order to see if there was anything left to salvage our marriage. I had hopes that we can work through it, but she refused therapy when I brought it up several times and even so over a year ago today before the cancer gotten worst. It was all before it had spread, but even before her diagnosis I had already made up my mind that things romantically speaking was something un repairable.
I learned so many things that I will forever be greatful for these last six years since the day my wife and I first met. Although she may never believe me, I do cherish many of the wonderful moments we had despite our differences. From the start I genuinely just wanted the life I envisioned in my head. A supportive partner, a best friend and lover, one that I would married and enjoy the simple things in life. Family gatherings in thanksgiving and Christmas along with fun celebrations in spooky events like Halloween. You know, the normal stuff. Now, I get that according to the Bible and many Christians Halloween isn’t something to be taken lightly as it’s a negative that gives power to the evils of this world. However, I do believe as long as my heart is pure and the intent isn’t of evil but merely the free will of family fun, than i don’t see any harm in it. Ofcourse though, to each his or her own I suppose. I Just belive the creator wants his people to live and enjoy the wonderful things this world has to offer. Despite the many obstacles in the midst of it all, there will always be room for some happy days without stress. Relationships are no doubt extremely challenging and many times complicated, but when you’ve learned about yourself and what makes you truly happy. The only complication you have is not giving yourself the opportunity in going for it. I think many times we choose not to be happy and brush it off because society has it set in our minds that true love and happiness are nothing more than a myth. That it isn’t real and it’s a cliché thing that doesn’t truly exist. If you are a believer than you are a whimp whose ideologies of love are just unrealistic expectations that no human being will ever measure up to regardless of how wonderful things appear in the beginning. However, while it may not always be roses and colorful candy canes, it does exist and it begins with finding yourself first and being happy with whom you are. Love yourself so much that you can learn to share it with another knowing to always remain true to yourself no matter what. Never ever allow anyone to change you, but only inspire you to be a better person each and every day loving you for you. For me that is the perfect match as far as relationships are concern. Not everyone may find it, but it does exist and for those who do I’m sure it feels amazing.
I’ve always thought the day I married my wife since it was a genuine thing and not for documentation of any kind like a business transaction, that we have more in common and we were going to grow old together or atleast the thought did cross my mind. You see, I was both shocked and yet confused the day we did mainly because it is and it was my first marriage but I could easily tell because she went all out that it wasn’t exactly the way she wanted it. She always wanted a genuine church wedding. One that her family be there which of course they would all and so would mine. That shortly shattered once the weirdness came into play with the entire spiritual part of our lives. My wife since of young age always had some sort of connection with spirits, guardian angels and saints. As a catholic charismatic, which was the group she was apart of back home in her native foreign island of the Dominican Republic, she truly took these things severely seriously. You could imagine me a man from the Bronx New York growing up and living life as I knew it to be surrounded by violence and being use to someone always being on the 10 o’clock news for either a violation or gang related violence or even more, murders occurring. I was never initially brought into a specific religion or anything. My mother did pray for her children like any mother would, but we weren’t truly religious and yet I’ve always felt a connection with the creator we all know as God or even more his son Jesus Christ. I suppose all things do happen for a reason because I will always admit and be greatful to have gotten closer to the lord because of meeting my wife. She has made me see a different light when I was in the darkness and that is one thing I will forever cherish. Today however, as I’m sitting here laying down actually, typing this down, I could only wonder about when will she be released from the hospital and what are the doctors planning on doing. As of today she surpass the brain operation and it’s been almost two full weeks since, but her body appears to be weak and although the doctors told her mother that they know exactly what they are doing, still, you wonder and are nervous for the outcome.
Even if I wanted to know any information, I’m afraid I could not. In a moment of distress before her surgery, my wife had signed and complied to keep her name out of the system. That everything about her condition remain between her mother and herself. Even if I were to ask or call the hospital, I will get no where. At first I did stress about this decision and it hurt very much because I also remember I was with her in the hospital a few days before where in tears she had told the doctors what she wanted, and as much as I was hurt to know she felt this way towards me, I respectfully translated for her and agreed. You could imagine her distress as well as my heartache as I was both confused, hurt and also shocked that she take things that far and treat me like the ultimate villian. Today I have my things ready and packed because as much as I love to help I could still do so from a distance. She had already decided and a friendship was off the table, but to be quite honest I don’t believe it was ever on the table. It breaks me to know that we weren’t going to work regardless of how much we wanted to try and we were just two people wanting different things. I at least though don’t think of her as an enemy and never will until my final days on this earth. I spoke to her mother in the recent days since I’m still here at the house and told her I will always remain in touch if she ever needed anything, and even she understands that it would never be the same as I saw her stressed out. She had called my wife’s phone and for the first time got no answer at all and she began praying that nothing had gone wrong.
I named this entry the title I have because of the spiritual journey I experienced alongside my wife, and although it was mostly the tough part side of things. I’ve learned much more on mental health and the power of the mind through it all. As much as I belive in the things I’ve experienced I still question many of them because I am a realist individual. I feel like you should question everything and things should just be based on interpretation since there are many things you simply can’t proof that is visible to the eyes. The mystery of this world is to remain so that we can question and form our own beliefs I like to think. Otherwise what is the point and why were we given free will. I could rant about this on and on but the reality stands. I learned to make peace with things as they come to be. I pray each day that the creator would give her the survival chance so she can live a long life alongside her children in peace. Even if I’m no longer in it she would always be apart of my story. For the years we both shared deserves a much better appreciative ending I belive, and I hope whatever the outcome might be that she can forgive me and move on as I am also learning to do myself. I will catch you all on my next entry....
© Johnny Cigars
