[«A LETTER TO A GIRL, WHO IS BECOMING 7TEEN IN FEW WEEKS...»]

My life as a 16th year old gurl....
is kinda like Im in a place where I know everyone but by only entering into, I can't even recognise myself.

Staying up until 3 am and having a lesson for waking up last,
Listening to love song even don't related them
Watching stuffs even I know it's not for my age, still see out of my curiosity
In order to understand myself, I'm moving away from others
Facing a war inside my brain every minute
Always have a phrase where i find myself depressed despite knowing the meaning
Call myself worst, losser, ugly and worthless, cuz I needda hear the opposite from anyone
Without feeling of love, hug or kiss someone; still wanna expect from someone
Wanna someone to love me, even tho I can't say that I can treat them well or not
Am I really deserve this?
I'm still lost in this world, and I know I'm the only one who can set myself free
What's my aim, purpose and worth?
I'm the problem, aren't I?
Am I doing right?
Why I always do what I don't have to?; Why can't I do what I have to?
I'm mess, aren't I?

THIS IS THE MESS I FACE ALWAYS WITH MYSELF...
Still I can't do anything... Cuz I'm a 16 year old teenager.

I really don't know what is life, people, their work... Really I don't. It's not why they are doing it's more like why I'm not doing?! Whyyy?!, Huh?
Without telling anyone, am expecting others to know how I'm feeling. Crazy, aren't I?

Feeling like I'm being left out, even I know I'm the one who left it.
When it's family time I'm on my phone,
When I'm outside I don't even see them so talking is on another level,
When I know I have to speak or make a move, BuT wHy I Am nOt DoiNgg!???
See, you were also about to say that iTs YOUr MisTake!!!
But dude who Im?— a person who is confused and stuck btw childhood and adulthood

Sometimes people wants us to behave as a child, but why they forget that they are the one who made us like this?
Even oldies have a kids hearts, now I'm thinking when I behave like this.
they say why im acting??
Why can't they find difference btw fake and real?

We find our distractions from reality, some became stans, some fans for movie/series/anime, other follow their interest like study...
But I don't know what's my real interest, it's not like I haven't try to find it it's just I become bore after some time.
Thats sucks, try new things and end up without finishing.

I can't differentiate btw my life and my life.
The inner one vs outer one.
Sometimes I become selfish, sometimes I try to.
Can't figure out what is right and what is wrong, even i can tell you the difference.
The hardest part is why I don't understand myself..? Huh!
Why.. it's me, isn't me?but why not?

Find too relatable when I open reel life, it's doesn't even feel like I'm alone.
But after that why I find myself lonley again?

I wanna have a boyfriend, who can care for me, trust me, comfort me and like me as im.
Who try to understand me... Without any alternative aim.
But why I feel afraid to take steps..? It sometime feels wrong, but if I feel lonely so what can I do other than this? Sometimes I don't have any guts to feel ashamed... Sometimes it feels like if I can't love myself so why I expect from others..? Sometimes I think I'm not good enough... Sometimes I doubt can I really love anyone?
Thats why I'm afraid..!

Friends..(ò_óˇ)
I don't have.... Seriously dude, I don't even know the meaning of this words..
what are friends?
What they do?
What's the limit?
Can I really trust them?
Are they permanent?
I'm afraid that I'll end up expecting more from them..

When I watch movies... I feel like life is so beautiful to live..
But why can't I look up into my own life??

We try to locate our life into fiction World.
But why we forgot that we are the main lead of our life..

© just_livin9