Dear person I never stopped loving,

I waited for you.
you left me and I waited for a year. I wondered what I did wrong and I beat myself up for so long. I held onto you. I reread your letter. I looked at our pictures for hours. I never stopped thinking of you. I wondered what I did wrong, I wondered what made you leave.

I was ready to run away. I was ready to leave a class that made me so happy just because I was scared of facing you. I thought that we wouldn't talk. I thought I would be the quiet student who say to the side holding back tears as I watched you with all of your new friends. I thought you were going to ignore me.
I was ready to hate you. I was ready. I had thought about so many conversations that could happen. I thought about yelling at you, telling you how you hurt me. telling you how you made me hate myself. because the one person I never failed to remind how much I loved, didn't love me back. the person I had confronted and told about how I felt them drifting away, the person that said they weren't, left.
I didn't understand.

when new friends came along, even to this day, I was drowning in the thought that they didn't want me. that they would leave. and I was so sure that they would, because you did.

Every time something happened you were the person I wanted to tell. you were the person I wanted to be with but every time I talked myself out of texting you because I knew you wouldn't reply.

but then came the day when I had to face you. I walked into class, I walked to the back of the room, far from you and I sat I stared. I could barely breathe. I was ready to ignore.

but then . . .
then you walked over. you put your hand on the railing between the rows and you bounced a little and you said "Hi friend! How are you doing?"
I remember that moment so clearly. I was so confused. no scenario I thought out led to that outcome. led to this outcome. I started sitting closer to you. you started sitting right next to me. I kept myself on ledge for so long, I didn't talk to you unless you spoke first. I didn't text you unless I had a good reason to. I never invaded your space. I kept you at a distance because I didn't want to drive you away again.
after everything that happened, I was still worried about losing you. I thought to myself "being with her is so nice. I'll change for her." that thought was toxic. toxic as hell. I was ready to change myself just to keep someone around. Do you understand how much I love you now?

the first time we had hung out after so long changed everything. Absolutely everything.
we sat out on the bed under the stars and I remember we could not stop laughing for the life of us. I couldn't breathe and it was so stupid but so perfect and I remember you saying "it's just like in 7th grade."

I didn't know what to say to that. it was weird. I thought "she's right" I thought "wow she really likes being here with me"
I realized I didn't need to change.

look at us now. look at how fucking healthy this relationship is. we finally talked about it. we finally put it all out on the table. I discovered how sorry you were. you said I was too good for you. you said you didn't understand why I was still friends with you after what you did. you said you were terrified to confront me that day in class just as much as I was to the point where you thought about leaving. I never ever imagined you being sorry. in no world did that cross my mind. no one had ever said they were sorry to me before. They never said it and actually meant it. You're here again. it's crazy to think you're actually here. And I don't need to change. I don't need to hide. it's still difficult for me imagine you want me after thinking that maybe it was fake before. I was so sure you wouldn't leave, and you did. so sometimes I still find myself thinking "Maybe she doesn't want me" when you don't text back. when you don't text me. when your behavior changes. but I keep reminding myself of that day on the porch. I remind myself I can't let those thoughts get to me because you're here. And I don't want to lose you again. But I won't change to make sure that doesn't happen because I don't have to. I still give you space, I don't text you as much as I would like. Because you need space. you go through things and you need to breathe

you finally talk to me about things. I think that's the biggest difference. you never talked about things before. it was always hidden. I knew nothing, but I was never not there for you. You talk to me now. I know things. it's good. we're good.

This is healthy. we talk. we communicate. There are still some things that confuse me, but I won't bring those up because I want them to work out on their own. Maybe that's not good. Maybe I shouldn't do that. maybe it will make things harder and I will be confused more. But that's okay. Because I'm okay with that. I'm okay with this. it's good. I'm happy. we're happy. maybe things will become more but right now this is good. I will wait for you to decide what you want.


imagine. if one of us had done anything differently then we never would have come to this. maybe we were meant to be together. maybe this was supposed to happen. in a letter you wrote years ago you said "it feels like we've been friends forever. I never met anyone I clicked with like you did and how we still are" I thought I lost that. but maybe this was one of those things where we were both just too immature. look at us now. we're back together again, the same as before but better. because we understand our emotions. we understand each other. maybe we will grow apart again. maybe were still too young but I hope that one day we will come together again. that's the thing I was scared to tell you. that I hope one day we'll come back. One day we'll be together and nothing else.

I love you. I never stopped loving you and I don't ever want to stop loving you.