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When Loneliness Visits Me at Night
The sparkling street lights guide me on the warm night of June. After an hour of commuting in this never-sleeping city and squeezing my brain during lectures, I can finally have a rest. I climb up the stairs to the third floor of my apartment, where my unit is the first thing you will see, and next is the kitten that waits outside for food.
It has always been like this, a tiring routine of my life that leaves me with no choice. I rummage through my bag for keys and remove my shoes. When I open the door, the warm air that had been stuck for a day welcomes me. I've read that warm rooms help lonely people. But, in my situation, I know it won't work. I have been enduring this loneliness for a long time. It has always been here in my chest, suffocating me, like a lump in my throat, and in my palms throbbing.
I sit on my unruly bed and stare at my dark room while imagining scenarios of myself and someone I could share a space with. How does it feel going home after a tiring day and seeing that person greet you with a lovely smile and a warm hug? How does it feel to go straight to your room and fall into a nap? Then, that person taps your cheeks to say dinner is ready.
I wish I had what my neighbors have. The friends they invite and vent out with on the roof deck. The boyfriends they bring, and seconds later, there will be faint, continuous thudding. I wish I weren't alone, lying on my bed. I wish I had someone to let my head rest on his chest and feel his breathing.
I wish I had someone I can share all my what-ifs, my own theories, and awkward jokes because it’s unfair to have a mind full of thoughts without having someone to talk to with it. I wish I had someone I can ask for help when everything becomes heavy and complicated. I wish I had someone I can call home where no ounce of loneliness can linger.
As I lay on my side, I look at the white curtain drifting in the wind. Suddenly, my chest tightens like a rope entwined, followed by a knot in my throat. My eyes lose their sharpness slowly in the dark, and my palms ache as if begging to be held.
I've been enduring this for a long time and it has always been visiting me at night.
© ladyly.
#loneliness #alone #night #nighttime #Writing
It has always been like this, a tiring routine of my life that leaves me with no choice. I rummage through my bag for keys and remove my shoes. When I open the door, the warm air that had been stuck for a day welcomes me. I've read that warm rooms help lonely people. But, in my situation, I know it won't work. I have been enduring this loneliness for a long time. It has always been here in my chest, suffocating me, like a lump in my throat, and in my palms throbbing.
I sit on my unruly bed and stare at my dark room while imagining scenarios of myself and someone I could share a space with. How does it feel going home after a tiring day and seeing that person greet you with a lovely smile and a warm hug? How does it feel to go straight to your room and fall into a nap? Then, that person taps your cheeks to say dinner is ready.
I wish I had what my neighbors have. The friends they invite and vent out with on the roof deck. The boyfriends they bring, and seconds later, there will be faint, continuous thudding. I wish I weren't alone, lying on my bed. I wish I had someone to let my head rest on his chest and feel his breathing.
I wish I had someone I can share all my what-ifs, my own theories, and awkward jokes because it’s unfair to have a mind full of thoughts without having someone to talk to with it. I wish I had someone I can ask for help when everything becomes heavy and complicated. I wish I had someone I can call home where no ounce of loneliness can linger.
As I lay on my side, I look at the white curtain drifting in the wind. Suddenly, my chest tightens like a rope entwined, followed by a knot in my throat. My eyes lose their sharpness slowly in the dark, and my palms ache as if begging to be held.
I've been enduring this for a long time and it has always been visiting me at night.
© ladyly.
#loneliness #alone #night #nighttime #Writing
