There he was, right there also seeking (he thought he didn't show it). And how he already knew, yet so unsure because I played it.

And ah, the instant I finally realized, finally excited to see him but I could see him thinking, "it's time to begin the game".

I looked for him, seeked his presence, his expertise, his humor, his care, his questions, the way he gave me the stage, but he pulled back before I could see how smitten.

Stunned, he got it - he broke it down, the "great wall". He didn't care for it, he spoke past it, he stared past it, his confidence matched it and threw it over to my shock! To my amazement, my fascination, my attraction, my falling but did he know? I hoped not, and I wished not to do what I've done the past years - it would have broken him.

Then what then? I did it differently, considerately, initiated, flirted, entertained, prolonged, no hiding and he gave in every time. But...I was liking it too much and he saw it.

He saw right through my tactics, right through my gloomy eyes as I saw through his. He learnt of it and decided to circle back the connection, he tried to reverse it but why?

I wondered...

I thought it's what he wanted, he tried so hard to get me to even look at him and had it sailing but he decided to stop paddling, why?

I wondered...

He made that decision anyway, he took the action and now we hadn't spoken in a while. He didn't care to initiate anymore, did we even remember each other's faces to the exact?

I wondered...

Confused?
Embarrassed?
Disheartened?
Regret?

I felt them all...especially heartbreak!
And the other side? Did he think of me? Think of his decisions? His actions? Losing what he earned? The angel who tried reaching out?

Was he running? Scared? Bored? Annoyed? Tired? Gaming? or in disbelief?

And then the space and silence made it's own conclusions and it didn't feel pretty...

Months and months went on, I decided to move over another area with an opportunity of excitement and had to leave it all behind. The place, area, the people...him.

On one of the days of goodbyes, out of respect I looked for him to give him his share of the farewell. Before I could even enter that building - I saw him walking towards me and it looked like he saw a ghost but so did I. It was him, as handsome as he's always been...

We walked a bit and shared some life updates but never the issue in our heart. For the first time, I could see him losing his breath being in my presence, his smile of unbelief and facial expressions of nervousness he didn't even try to hide but he didn't at all.

I saw it all and felt it but I had gone through a twist of emotions before and decided to make him feel comfortable instead, like nothing happened, nothing's changed...besides I won't see him again after that day, but shame the closest he got was a lingering hug, or was he really fixing my hair?

I can only hope he's doing excellent and learnt a lesson of simplicity for his next...

**My conclusion**

He fell for an overly confident, pretty lady, with an intelligence of her own. She was mostly charactized as intimidating though, but he saw her as fit for trying out anyway.

And yes, he matched her confidence, intelligence and personality but he went about it the wrong way. He wanted to play the game, not realizing that him accessing her mind like that was enough victory for him.

He messed it up and ended up hurting the both of them...silently!

But I guess, she didn't make it overly easy for him either...

© Kagiso Mokokosi