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Falling Away
I am falling into the darkness. I don't recall when it happened or precisely how it happened but all I know is I am laying on my bed, wondering how far gone I am.
I was a good girl; I AM a good girl.
But somehow I have lost myself, someway, somehow. I was getting better, I really was, I was getting saved. He was saving me but I let him go. I dared to allow distance creep between us and now I am scrambling, begging, looking for scraps of His mercy and kindness and love to redeem me but all I hear is silence.
I always felt like He was always silent but this time it's different. He is unavailable. He is not to be bothered by me.
Why do I think this, you ask (you probably don't)?
Because I feel like despite leaving Him – which was a terrible idea, by the way – in my bogus efforts to be independent or self-searching. Whatever stupid title I gave to my excuse, He would still want me. He still does but this time, he won't, wouldn't save me, wouldn't come running. He wants me to figure this out.
Daily, when I try to talk to Him, I tell Him 'Thank you'. For listening, for finding a way into my heart despite my stubborness; He was getting into my head and getting somewhere and I was grateful because that meant my spirit was willing. And it also meant that I thought I would not have to do anything.
But that was the lie I told myself, that I was told, in order to remain shackled. Now I know, but yet I don't know what to do about it.
It's sick! Sick, sickening.
I lie here and wonder how did I let myself fall so far gone from the light. I believe I'm getting better but everyday the desire to do the wrong thing, to give into that future guilt that is masking itself as unnecessary pleasure. When did I get like this? What has clouded my mind, blocked my eyes, bound my eyes and feet, as well as clipped my wings because now I feel trapped, like there is no way out.
And no matter how aware I am of the situation, I cannot bring myself to help myself, to claw me out if the mess I dropped myself into.
Self-awareness can be a real pain in the a**.
© Olatona Fortune I.
I was a good girl; I AM a good girl.
But somehow I have lost myself, someway, somehow. I was getting better, I really was, I was getting saved. He was saving me but I let him go. I dared to allow distance creep between us and now I am scrambling, begging, looking for scraps of His mercy and kindness and love to redeem me but all I hear is silence.
I always felt like He was always silent but this time it's different. He is unavailable. He is not to be bothered by me.
Why do I think this, you ask (you probably don't)?
Because I feel like despite leaving Him – which was a terrible idea, by the way – in my bogus efforts to be independent or self-searching. Whatever stupid title I gave to my excuse, He would still want me. He still does but this time, he won't, wouldn't save me, wouldn't come running. He wants me to figure this out.
Daily, when I try to talk to Him, I tell Him 'Thank you'. For listening, for finding a way into my heart despite my stubborness; He was getting into my head and getting somewhere and I was grateful because that meant my spirit was willing. And it also meant that I thought I would not have to do anything.
But that was the lie I told myself, that I was told, in order to remain shackled. Now I know, but yet I don't know what to do about it.
It's sick! Sick, sickening.
I lie here and wonder how did I let myself fall so far gone from the light. I believe I'm getting better but everyday the desire to do the wrong thing, to give into that future guilt that is masking itself as unnecessary pleasure. When did I get like this? What has clouded my mind, blocked my eyes, bound my eyes and feet, as well as clipped my wings because now I feel trapped, like there is no way out.
And no matter how aware I am of the situation, I cannot bring myself to help myself, to claw me out if the mess I dropped myself into.
Self-awareness can be a real pain in the a**.
© Olatona Fortune I.
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