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Lost
Trigger Warning: Self Harm
Shit. I fucked up. I hurt her, didn't I? I saw the look on her face, she was near tears, because of what I said.
I hate myself. Why does it feel like I can't do anything to right? Why is it that every time I open my mouth and utter any type of words, I end up hurting someone? Nothing I do seems to be right, I’m never right, I’m always wrong and the one at fault.
I run up the stairs, breathing heavily, struggling with every step, because I know what’s to come when I open my flat door. I know what I'm going to do to myself. Every step feels heavier and heavier than the last. I feel my legs shaking in fear and anticipation. I scramble to get the keys out of my pocket. I can barely see clearly now, my vision is blurry, maybe because of tears or maybe because of exhaustion, well I can’t see my keys well. My fingers are shaking. I’m holding on to my keys trying to look for the right one, but I can't see. I am holding my sanity with a string that is going to snap. I just need to make it in my flat. Please God, help me, help me, please.
I find the right key.
I open and slam the door.
I stand against the door.
I slowly start to fall to the ground, with my knees to my face. I rest on my knees and start weeping. I don’t know if it’s because of what I did to her or just a combination of all the things that went wrong in my life leading up to this. Whatever the case I weep and weep. My vision is blurry, my head hurts, my nose is stuffy and I’m a mess.
I get up and wipe my face with the sleeve of my jacket. I try to pick myself up, but my knees are weak, they can’t handle my weight. I struggle and struggle until I am finally able to pick myself up off of the floor. I wipe my tears away again. I feel like my mind is fading. I feel like I am no longer there, present, as if I were watching myself operate in third person. I scramble and make my way to the kitchenette in the flat.
I take a towel and place it between my teeth.
I roll up my sleeve.
I take the sharpest knife I see.
I brush it against my arm.
I can hear my...
Shit. I fucked up. I hurt her, didn't I? I saw the look on her face, she was near tears, because of what I said.
I hate myself. Why does it feel like I can't do anything to right? Why is it that every time I open my mouth and utter any type of words, I end up hurting someone? Nothing I do seems to be right, I’m never right, I’m always wrong and the one at fault.
I run up the stairs, breathing heavily, struggling with every step, because I know what’s to come when I open my flat door. I know what I'm going to do to myself. Every step feels heavier and heavier than the last. I feel my legs shaking in fear and anticipation. I scramble to get the keys out of my pocket. I can barely see clearly now, my vision is blurry, maybe because of tears or maybe because of exhaustion, well I can’t see my keys well. My fingers are shaking. I’m holding on to my keys trying to look for the right one, but I can't see. I am holding my sanity with a string that is going to snap. I just need to make it in my flat. Please God, help me, help me, please.
I find the right key.
I open and slam the door.
I stand against the door.
I slowly start to fall to the ground, with my knees to my face. I rest on my knees and start weeping. I don’t know if it’s because of what I did to her or just a combination of all the things that went wrong in my life leading up to this. Whatever the case I weep and weep. My vision is blurry, my head hurts, my nose is stuffy and I’m a mess.
I get up and wipe my face with the sleeve of my jacket. I try to pick myself up, but my knees are weak, they can’t handle my weight. I struggle and struggle until I am finally able to pick myself up off of the floor. I wipe my tears away again. I feel like my mind is fading. I feel like I am no longer there, present, as if I were watching myself operate in third person. I scramble and make my way to the kitchenette in the flat.
I take a towel and place it between my teeth.
I roll up my sleeve.
I take the sharpest knife I see.
I brush it against my arm.
I can hear my...
