OPERATOR: You've dialled nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine (etcetera)... what is your emergency?
KARINOBIS: I'm looking for my soul.
OPERATOR: Hang on, sir. I'm handing you over to management.

[Beeeeeeeeeep]

NANCY FROM MANAGEMENT: Hello, this is Nancy speaking. How may I help you?
KARINOBIS: For god's sake! I'm looking for the soul. Where is it?
NANCY: I think you will find the soul is you, sir.
KARINOBIS: Well, I can't find it. Can I?
NANCY: But you 'are' your soul.
KARINOBIS: I'm trapped in my corporeal form. I doubt that is my soul. I can't figure out where 'me' is.
NANCY: Erm... Your brain?
KARINOBIS: Tell me now, woman! Where is it?
NANCY: Sorry, but I have to ask you this. Are you a danger to yourself or the people around you?
KARINOBIS: No, dammit! It's why I called you. For answers.
NANCY: Hang on, two secs. [muffled:] Yeah, Doris, complete loony. Ha! Yeah, we will see.
KARINOBIS: Ma'am I heard that!
NANCY: We're pressed for time. Can you make it quick?
KARINOBIS: It's a pressing matter about the meaning of life. Could you explain to us why we are here?
NANCY: Sorry, sir, our service is open nine to five Monday to Friday about enquiries concerning God himself - hallowed be thy name - and cringey insta poets trying to be original like this one. Say hi! She thinks she is really clever.
KARINOBIS: Wha- But this means -
NANCY: There's your answer. Bye-bye now. Have a wonderful day.
KARINOBIS: But wai-

[hangs up]

NANCY: Get them every time! How many do we have on hold, Doris? One million? F**k sake, let's say five more, then we are done for the day. Need to catch up on some Emmerdale.

© Eva Irvine