It's always been me vs me since the day I was born. I battle with depression, trauma, anxiety and other issues since childhood and I'm using my voice to speak out. I was a former drinker and smoker who have been clean and sober for almost three years now. I used to train in boxing and judo as a child and although I haven't had any training in twenty years, I'm NOT afraid relearn from scratch. I was abused by my sperm donor and I also was abused by my first ex girlfriend. I was bullied as a child and the truth is that I want to relearn self defense so that I could finally heal from the traumas of my past once and for all. What I'm afraid of is that I would look like a fool when I relearn martial arts from scratch. Again, I'm not afraid to relearn from scratch; but at the same time, I just want to be free from the trauma. It's always been me vs me since I was born. I've attempted to end my life numerous times and have failed and let me say that I don't want to die! I just want my pain and suffering to end once and for all. Behind the scenes, I also was struggling with my sexuality and my faith and it caused a lot of stress and depression. I've had six panic attacks and my body is still recovering from my last one. I shadowbox everyday and yet I'm trying to get back into martial arts and be free from the pain and trauma. I was a mute kid, who had learning disabilities and also have battled stuttering issues and reading comprehension issues. I've been through a lot in my life and I'm not afraid to say that we have the power to impact and change lives and let me say that my life has changed for the worst. There would be days I would still battle addiction and thoughts of suicide, but I'm choosing to live and let me say that addiction isn't easy. Even after being clean and sober, I'm still battling the thoughts and urges of wanting a cigarette and or a drink. Judo gave me the chance to test my body out when it came to grappling and takedown. Boxing gave me the chance to use my hands for good use and let me say that boxing has changed my life forever. It's been a long time since I had the chance to truly write something like this. My first ex girlfriend was a kickboxer. My second ex girlfriend practiced karate and my last ex girlfriend practiced Kung fu. I still battle with depression and anxiety and I'm choosing to live because I'm determined to not only beat depression, but I'm determined to protect myself again through martial arts. It's always been me vs me and I'm choosing to beat depression once and for all. Depression has ruined my life and I just want to keep living my life and beat this thing once and for all. The truth is that I can't take this unhappiness anymore. I miss martial arts because of the discipline it enforces and I also miss martial arts because of the friendships and families that one can make along the way. I've been through so much and I deserve so much happiness and joy. It's been me vs me for a long time and it's time that I finally get a win.




© Josiah Bhola Hillaire