I've lived so long believing I was too unworthy, not smart enough, not pretty enough,not financially well off enough to be valuable in the eyes of anyone but I am going to say that my morals are superior to the morals of those I have surrounded myself with for so long. Through the eyes of these people, I was simply someone to manipulate or use for their own benefits as means to get something they wanted. Everything I have I have worked for or earned on my own with no help from anyone but I have always given everything away to those that I love because I do like giving to others. But I have been naively thinking that one day I will see appreciation and gratitude and possibly when I am in a time of need, one of these so called lovers that I had at the time or the friends (that never seem to remember me) would be here for me at the very least without me having to ask. I thought my generous deeds and selfless acts of trying to please everyone but myself would come back to me in a way one day that made it all worth it. And it would have been worth it had the people I relentlessly helped over and over or gave and gave and gave to without ever being thought of in fgfg in my difficult times would have at least attempted to or been willing to do the same for me...even just a fraction of the things I've done for them...something as simple as show me that I matter by hearing me out when I'm feeling down or just not complain or he ungrateful when I am only trying to help. I do not owe anyone anything and no one is entitled so I have decided to stop being the very caring and giving person I have always been unless I am 100% that the person would do the same for me. I too have feelings and want to know I am important to at least someone. Well, the way I was living my life so worried about how others seen me and wanting constantly to feel accepted or cared for that wasn't helping me with any other other than having me further believing I wasn't worthy enough to be a friend to..the always caring and helpful me was attracting all the wrong people into my life and causing me to foolishly view myself as so much less than what I really am. I'm just beginning to see how the fact that I am different than most others (it's something I've noticed time and time again in the past but I thought it made me less than or something) does set me apart from those I normally associate with. I try my best to be a good person and I am constantly trying to better myself and work on my flaws. I try to be honest with myself and others the best I can. I try to always admit and apologize and if necessary even make amends when I am wrong. I am humble, I don't envy others, I want to see everyone winning. I hold myself accountable as best I can and I have to admit I do a better job at these things than most anyone that I know. Although most people I've been in contact with will tell others they are and do these things but in reality do very little to prove anything but the opposite and don't even realize it about themselves I think. I have been doubted and underestimated and under valued nearly my whole life because I don't like taking away from others when they want to talk about things they can do and how much they know on this subject or that or things like that. I'm tired of living life like someone who isn't good enough to be accepted because I finally see that I am even if no one else sees it in me or not. I don't need you or anyone. I can make it on my own because I've been on my own most of the time anyway even when I wasn't supposed to be. I am going to be someone who helps others one day...well as a professional and not just help those that I cared for and that I expected to care back. I will always love being needed to an extent but it would have been nice for someone to realize that occasionally I needed someone to. But since no one ever has I guess I am just as grateful because it's really opened my eyes to the person I need more than anyone else is me. The me who knows what they have to offer to anyone who truly values me genuinely enough to come into my life and stay put for no other reason than because they love me and want to be there without taking advantage of my kindness. I just needed to rant for a moment so I decided to share. Haters or manipulators or those with ulterior motives stay away.🙂👍
© Amanda.Humphrey