I classify trains into two types, sleeper trains, and local trains...
Sleeper trains are relatively calm, with a lot of space and all...
Local trains are the kind in which around 6000 people can fit, but somehow, we Indians manage to fit the entire population of Mumbai in it.

Getting a place to SIT is a privilege in a local train!

But, my favourite trains are the sleeper trains...
They're the kind which go from one state to another, so we have to live in the train for a day or two...
And, here's my expert opinion on them, considering that I've gone on these trains more than 20 times!

So...
We can't talk about sleeper trains without talking about the sleeping part.
A typical sleeper train has three berths, the bottom, the middle and the top.
And from my "expert" opinion, I say that you should take the middle berth.
Why?

Welp, first of all, the bottom berth.
Till date, no one, not even the person who made the train knows what's under the bottom berth...
All you can see under there is pitch black darkness, as if someone will grab your foot while sleeping...

And I BET that under the bottom berth are a few cockroaches and bugs, and maybe even a bloodthirsty monster. I'm just saying, cause NO ONE bothers to check under the berth!
They just let that void of nothingness exist... Letting it slowly devour the souls of the innocent and power the Dark Devas of Destruction-!

(I think I went to far with my conspiracy theories... Moving on...)

Plus, in the morning when you wake up, the first thing you'll feel is the sun slapping you on the face.
Ya, that's what it feels like.
The sun just blinding you and being like, "Wake up, you annoying waste of space!"

And bottom berths are... Kind of sweaty...
They always smell of sweat, and that's gross...

Then... there's the top berth!
Now, to imagine what it feels like on the top berth... Imagine that you were suddenly dropped in Antarctica.
Yep! That's all you need to imagine!
Cause, top berths are the closest to the A.C., so, you feel the full blast of the cold. And the blankets? They do you no justice in shielding you from that chill.

The people who sleep on the top berth without getting a cold... I salute you!

Not to mention, you'll never know if it's morning, or afternoon, or any time of the day...
Cause the sun's rays will never reach you...
And you'll be freezing, while having the tension of somehow falling from your berth.

And for some reason, I chicken out whenever I have to climb down the top berth. My fear of heights, perhaps?

So... Take the middle berth.
It's normal, and that's perfect.

Another thing about sleeper trains are the toilets.
No one wants to use the toilets, and yet, it's a necessity.
It stinks, and take it from me...
Never go into the toilet if you're going to eat soon after...

You WILL lose your appetite.

And, due to the bathroom's small size, people basically don't take a bath for a day or two, despite the fact that they NEED to in such an environment!

But, the feel of the train is just... Welcoming...
To me, atleast...

Even the WATER in the train taps has a distinct smell and taste to it, and I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to be sanitary, lekin, "India hai, chalta hai!" (Slayy Point reference, don't expect you to get it...)

Then, there's the food in the sleeper trains... Ah, the food...
It just has a unique taste to it...
It's the taste of food where you can SENSE that the expiry date was long gone...

Like, in trains, there's always this thing called "Cup Noodles", which is just Maggi which gives you diarrhea.

And trust me, you don't want diarrhea in a train.

Then there's the egg sandwiches...
They're pretty good, tastes good, but... The cost...
I don't know why we're supposed to pay ₹100 for two sandwiches.

Oh, and the biryani, which we ordered once...
I think they should rename the biryani as "Rice with random colours", cause that's all there was...
And it costs like, ₹200...

And we can't deny it, cause humans need to eat!

So, the train employees are just like,
"Pay up, or STARVE..."
And they take the money with a nice smile on their face, hiding the evil psychopathic laughter going in their mind.

Forget "Scam 1992", THIS is the biggest scam in India!

There's also the tea and coffee in the train...
The tea... is surprisingly good!
(Then again, you could just dump some tea leaves in water, tell me it's tea, and I'd like that.)
But the coffee, I tried that once...
Tastes plainer than water.
It's like you're drinking hot water, but with added bitterness and no sugar, to torture your taste buds.

I think I know why the tea tastes better than the coffee...
Cause, the train employees are willing to annoy us in every way possible...
But BAD TEA is just outrageous! It's a crime!

Even so, I've had a bunch of good memories in trains... They're a part of my childhood at this rate... I love trains!
It's where I wrote my first diary (which I ended up losing, cause I'm forgetful), it's where I first watched the movie, "Your Name" (I thought it was terribly confusing at first, but later, I LOVED it), and trains are just... nostalgic...

And currently, that's all I want... And all I need.

Then I get off the train, and proceed to collapse into a pile of sickness cause I ate those goddamn "Cup Noodles"...

The End :-)

(First time intentionally writing comedy! How is it?
Didn't expect you to laugh, but, was it relatable? Entertaining?)
© Alter Ego