"I Giggled".. I trust you babe..
He replied smiling, I know you do..
But does he really know, I mean, I mean those words, i think I do, I don't know, I'm confused.
If I really trusted him, I won't be holding back, I won't be hiding, but I actually do trust him, i just need to trust him more I guess.
My head is full with questions and confusion and the more I try to figure it out, the more entangled it all gets.. "You have a partner girl talk to him"... I keep telling myself this but I never do, I can't figure it out...
Sometimes I think I'm just scared
Sometimes I think I don't love him
Sometimes I think I don't trust him
Other times, I feel he'll leave me if I open up,
I don't even care whatever it is,
All I know is that I need to talk to him..
All these going through my head while he's there right in front of me, smiling at me, so happy and cute, just eating delightfully, the green flowers at the backround coupled with his purple shirt just makes his color pop...
I have this gorgeous being in my front, why do I still worry over nothing... I then shake the thought off, I really do trust him...
"Babe" I said, calling his attention, "I love you so much okurrrr", and he smiled again, revealing his brown eyes and beautiful set of teeth, and his pointed nose, he held my hands this time and looked straight at me, "I love you right back girl... Okurrrr"... Damn... He's voice is so captivating, I melted right there, I felt guilty, I felt like a liar, but I wasn't lieing about anything... But then again I wasn't saying the whole truth.. I felt like I wasn't deserving of his love until I told him..
So babe, I have issues with loving, I don't give my all, my parents were terrible role models, my mom gave me bad advices, I was young, I couldn't have known if she was right or wrong but I believe her anyways, and that had been my guiding principles but now that I'm experiencing love myself, I know better, but I'm scared to let go, I'm scared I'll get hurt, I know I say I trust you but that's only in my head, in my heart I don't at all, don't get me wrong I love you but I don't love you as much as you think, I feel like I've been leading a lie, doesn't mean there's someone else, I swear there isn't but I just kind of set a wall up there that I can't seem to go over, but with you I want to go extra mile, I just don't know how, evrytime I try I find my mommas voice dragging me back, I'm telling you so you can help me break this barrier, help me free me from myself, I feel like you notice I'm not as committed but you choose to ignore but I want all that to change, you've shown me a different perspective to love and I want to love you just as much but I'm all messed up up there, I can't do it on my own...
Babe you're not saying anything... Please say something.. I heard my name faintly, "jane, I've been calling you for a while now, you just went blank for a moment, are you good" he said... Wow, wow, so all that was in my head, he really didn't hear anything I said, I didn't tell him again... "Yeah babe, I'm good, I was just lost in thought, let's go home please, I don't feel too well" I replied.. Well I guess I'll have to tell him some other time, today is not my day apparently, like the other 1,781 days.
I hoped today would be good, it was our anniversary, I self-sabotage as usual, and my man still loves me regardless...
I can't let this truth weigh me down..
Tomorrow is the day..