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Growth
#WritcoStoryPrompt60
Was there a point in your life that you wanted to stop, quit, and leave everything behind just to disappear to the point of changing and hiding your identity?
#storyprompt #inspiration #growth #lessons #heal
The universe is much more intricately and purposefully designed and laid out than I ever could have imagined. This is a realization I was forced to come to terms with recently as adversity came to challenge me. My life had finally reached the point that I no longer could foresee any hope for a brighter tomorrow. My life had just delivered me a humiliating blow that knocked me off my feet and I didn’t feel I was going to be strong enough to pull myself back up this time. All I wanted was to run and hide from my problems, hide from the world and never face anyone or any of my sad reality again.
My pathetic life these last few years just seemed to get harder and harder despite the efforts I made to improve myself and circumstances while remaining as positive as humanly possible. But it seemed that the more I tried to get things right, the more I seemed to ebb off course from the path of my dreams and more and more onto a path of self-destruction.
It began to dawn on me recently that maybe I just wasn’t destined for happiness. Maybe I would never come to live a harmonious lifestyle due to my inability to figure out how to navigate things properly. As sad as that was, it seemed as if I had little choice but to accept it because nothing that I’ve tried lately was working for me.
All I wanted was a normal life. One without constant worry, pain, and stress. It seemed as if that was asking too much though because I sure as hell couldn't seem to catch a break. My depression was at an all-time high, my home life was falling apart, my kids were out of control and seemed to hate me and my relationship was worse than it's ever been. Not to mention my enthusiasm for furthering my education (in hopes of obtaining a fulfilling career) had suddenly taken a nosedive and I was beginning to slack in my courses because I was losing interest. It wasn’t that I didn't want to finish earning my degree but my personal life was getting far too unmanageable which was starting to consume the entirety of my thoughts. With so much of my life to worry about and so much I needed to attempt to fix, I found that managing my time sufficiently had become a great deal harder.
So, with all of my struggles building up to the point of total exhaustion, I woke up today and decided I needed to take a little break since I had the day off. I decided to take a little hike in the woods near my house. I knew being in nature would help relieve some stress and so I decided to find a nice spot to sit and enjoy the sun as I painted for awhile. Painting was one of the creative outlets I used to get my mind off of things when I found myself becoming too overwhelmed with life's struggles. But as I was making my way to the woods, I stopped and checked the mail before I left.
Nothing for me today but there was a letter for my children’s father, the guy I had been trying relentlessly to salvage my relationship with for 13 years now. All to no avail. But anyway, as usual, he and I were arguing and he had temporarily taken off for awhile. Once I seen the mail, I called to let him know he had received a letter. After he fussed at me for a few minutes first, he thanked me for getting his mail and said he would meet me in the woods to pick it up.
After about 45 minutes of painting, I had finally finished the piece of art I was working on when my boyfriend/children’s father showed up. He was in his usual victim role upon arrival & immediately began telling me how I was to blame for how he felt so bad and how my actions were the result of the sh*tty consequences he found himself facing. He then asked me to get the letter and just as I attempted to hand it to him, he sighed dramatically and shoved my hand away.
“You read it to me, I don't feel good. My head hurts because of all the anxiety you cause me to have, so just open it and tell me what it says,” he sourly spat at me.
Annoyed, I opened the letter and did as he asked in attempt to avoid further bickering. The contents of this letter are personal and I won’t include what it said but what I can say is that it contained information that flipped my world upside down. It revealed to me things I had suspected for quite some time but when I tried to voice my suspicions, I was repeatedly told I was ridiculous for suggesting such things. Not only was I totally heartbroken and shocked, I was also immediately filled with a sick feeling so intense and deep in my stomach that I thought I was going to faint. Although the suspicions I had were now confirmed, it was still almost totally unbelievable. The truth that this letter brought to reality was absolutely devastating. Not only because I realize I had been lied to for who knows how long, but also due to the contents and severity of the lie, what the lie meant for me, and also that I was just made aware that nearly everyone I knew had been lying to me, as well. It was almost as if this were a cruel joke and I had just found out that I was the topic of the joke. This letter changed everything in my life and suddenly put into perspective how little I had actually really meant to everyone I so cared for in my life. Humiliation was a total understatement. How could I ever face anyone again? I felt like such a fool. No, I WAS such a fool.
I just wiped the tears forming in my eyelids and handed him the letter quickly as I took off running. I had no idea where I was going but I didn't care. For all that it mattered…or “didn't matter” that seemed more appropriate...I wasn’t going to stop until I had gotten so far away from everyone in my life currently so that I would never have to face anyone again. How could I? There was no one in the world that I could confide in and share my level of heartache with for no one was ever really interested in being a real friend to me anyway. Pretty much all I had known up until today was a life covered in lies and deceit and I just didn't have the strength to overcome this abrupt nightmare.
I had always done my best to remain resilient and continue rising back up each time I would fall. Over the last year and a half I had changed my ways tremendously in attempt to better my self and my life. I made amends whenever and wherever I could, I sacrificed many things that brought me joy just for the sake of making others happy, I tried harder to do right and to let go of my bad habits, to rid myself of my shortcomings… I tried, tried & tried.
Anything that I seen wasn’t benefiting me or anything others thought to be a waste of time, I let go. I attempted to do all of the things I needed in order to bring happiness to those I loved the most, and to arrange my life in a way that better aligned with the best interests of myself and my loved ones. Everything was done for the betterment of our futures and now I see that none of it ever mattered. Nothing I could have done would have ever changed things because it was all set from the get go. I was doomed from the start. Happiness was never an option for me.
Come to think of it, what were my options? This was the most recent thought I had found myself pondering on when I realized that I couldn't just go back to living the way I was used to. I was wallowing in my own misery and self-pity. But this only added to my feelings of hopelessness and despair.
Then, as it began to get later in the evening, I realized that sitting here moping over my circumstances any longer wasn’t going to fix anything. I had to decide what to do now. As much as I wanted to just run away, change my name, and begin a new life somewhere else, I knew that wasn’t viable. I had my children to think about still. Although I wasn’t much of the mother that I knew they deserved, I was still the only mom they had and I had to get up and woman up and deal with this mess of a life that I suddenly found myself in.
How can I accumulate the strength and courage to do this, though? I thought back on my life over the past several years and it was as if everything had been piling up on me relentlessly, one thing after the other. But I realized I hadn't been tossed any cards that I was unable to handle this far so now could be no different if I chose to view it this way. I just had to choose to change my perspective on things. I thought back and done a recap of the most difficult times I had faced these last few years. I had to ask myself what I was able to benefit from these challenges. And it was literally just a matter of minutes before I realized that life had only been throwing me obstacles and challenges that were necessary in some way, that were vital to my growth. All that I had endured was needed and brought to me at exactly the right time in my life. My hardest times had taught me so much that I had so needed to learn. They not only taught me many valuable lessons about life and about love, but they also proved to me that I didn't lack the strength or courage or wits it took to be able to tackle any challenge successfully.
These obstacles not only helped me see the survivor I’d become, but I could now see that I was capable of withstanding any storm as long as I didn't give up or allow these difficulties to defeat me. Each storm we are destined to face is merely a blessing in disguise. Without the hard times, how would we ever come to know our true level of grit, strength, or determination? How would we ever know what we are capable of or how could we gain the adequate amount of personal experience in order to be an inspiration to those following in our footsteps? How could we truly be confident in ourselves enough to lead the way for our children if we weren't forced to suffer a little? And the biggest benefit of these super challenging times is that without the suffering we adhered to in order to make it through, then we would have never come to truly know and fully appreciate the good times. Life is always going to have it's ups and downs but it's about learning to take the good with the bad and being grateful for each and every passing moment because your only going to have one life. Why not live it to your maximum capacity while being molded into a better, stronger version of yourself all at the same time?
It truly took a lot of building myself back up after today’s storms broke down my reality so harshly but I found the courage to do it and I am glad I did. I know that things are going to be challenging for awhile and that the sting of the pain will not ease entirely for quite some time but it will one day ease. And when that day comes, I am going to gladly enjoy the life waiting for me on the other side of the pain. It will be all the more sweet. For all those who have let me down or lied to me, I forgive them. However, I do not forget. I have been forced to cross paths with people such as these for a reason and I know that reason was to learn to stop being so trusting and giving to those who don't do the same for me in return. You can not fill from an empty cup, right? Thank you, Universe, for all the life-changing lessons I’ve been blessed with. I needed them for the betterment of my overall growth.
I see now that I should never allow anyone the power to influence my happiness or quality of life because I deserve my happiness just as much as anyone does… if not more. It was me who worked so hard to get where I am today and I will never give in or give up so easily again… not for anyone. Especially not for those who have only held me back or offer me no purpose in moving forward for the greater good of my life and well-being. I am completely thankful this evening and several hours ago I never could have imagined I would be able to say that. That is all the proof I need in order to see that I am where I am supposed to be. The universe knows exactly what we need and will deliver it to us at exactly the perfect time. We just got to be more trusting.
© Amanda.Humphrey
Was there a point in your life that you wanted to stop, quit, and leave everything behind just to disappear to the point of changing and hiding your identity?
#storyprompt #inspiration #growth #lessons #heal
The universe is much more intricately and purposefully designed and laid out than I ever could have imagined. This is a realization I was forced to come to terms with recently as adversity came to challenge me. My life had finally reached the point that I no longer could foresee any hope for a brighter tomorrow. My life had just delivered me a humiliating blow that knocked me off my feet and I didn’t feel I was going to be strong enough to pull myself back up this time. All I wanted was to run and hide from my problems, hide from the world and never face anyone or any of my sad reality again.
My pathetic life these last few years just seemed to get harder and harder despite the efforts I made to improve myself and circumstances while remaining as positive as humanly possible. But it seemed that the more I tried to get things right, the more I seemed to ebb off course from the path of my dreams and more and more onto a path of self-destruction.
It began to dawn on me recently that maybe I just wasn’t destined for happiness. Maybe I would never come to live a harmonious lifestyle due to my inability to figure out how to navigate things properly. As sad as that was, it seemed as if I had little choice but to accept it because nothing that I’ve tried lately was working for me.
All I wanted was a normal life. One without constant worry, pain, and stress. It seemed as if that was asking too much though because I sure as hell couldn't seem to catch a break. My depression was at an all-time high, my home life was falling apart, my kids were out of control and seemed to hate me and my relationship was worse than it's ever been. Not to mention my enthusiasm for furthering my education (in hopes of obtaining a fulfilling career) had suddenly taken a nosedive and I was beginning to slack in my courses because I was losing interest. It wasn’t that I didn't want to finish earning my degree but my personal life was getting far too unmanageable which was starting to consume the entirety of my thoughts. With so much of my life to worry about and so much I needed to attempt to fix, I found that managing my time sufficiently had become a great deal harder.
So, with all of my struggles building up to the point of total exhaustion, I woke up today and decided I needed to take a little break since I had the day off. I decided to take a little hike in the woods near my house. I knew being in nature would help relieve some stress and so I decided to find a nice spot to sit and enjoy the sun as I painted for awhile. Painting was one of the creative outlets I used to get my mind off of things when I found myself becoming too overwhelmed with life's struggles. But as I was making my way to the woods, I stopped and checked the mail before I left.
Nothing for me today but there was a letter for my children’s father, the guy I had been trying relentlessly to salvage my relationship with for 13 years now. All to no avail. But anyway, as usual, he and I were arguing and he had temporarily taken off for awhile. Once I seen the mail, I called to let him know he had received a letter. After he fussed at me for a few minutes first, he thanked me for getting his mail and said he would meet me in the woods to pick it up.
After about 45 minutes of painting, I had finally finished the piece of art I was working on when my boyfriend/children’s father showed up. He was in his usual victim role upon arrival & immediately began telling me how I was to blame for how he felt so bad and how my actions were the result of the sh*tty consequences he found himself facing. He then asked me to get the letter and just as I attempted to hand it to him, he sighed dramatically and shoved my hand away.
“You read it to me, I don't feel good. My head hurts because of all the anxiety you cause me to have, so just open it and tell me what it says,” he sourly spat at me.
Annoyed, I opened the letter and did as he asked in attempt to avoid further bickering. The contents of this letter are personal and I won’t include what it said but what I can say is that it contained information that flipped my world upside down. It revealed to me things I had suspected for quite some time but when I tried to voice my suspicions, I was repeatedly told I was ridiculous for suggesting such things. Not only was I totally heartbroken and shocked, I was also immediately filled with a sick feeling so intense and deep in my stomach that I thought I was going to faint. Although the suspicions I had were now confirmed, it was still almost totally unbelievable. The truth that this letter brought to reality was absolutely devastating. Not only because I realize I had been lied to for who knows how long, but also due to the contents and severity of the lie, what the lie meant for me, and also that I was just made aware that nearly everyone I knew had been lying to me, as well. It was almost as if this were a cruel joke and I had just found out that I was the topic of the joke. This letter changed everything in my life and suddenly put into perspective how little I had actually really meant to everyone I so cared for in my life. Humiliation was a total understatement. How could I ever face anyone again? I felt like such a fool. No, I WAS such a fool.
I just wiped the tears forming in my eyelids and handed him the letter quickly as I took off running. I had no idea where I was going but I didn't care. For all that it mattered…or “didn't matter” that seemed more appropriate...I wasn’t going to stop until I had gotten so far away from everyone in my life currently so that I would never have to face anyone again. How could I? There was no one in the world that I could confide in and share my level of heartache with for no one was ever really interested in being a real friend to me anyway. Pretty much all I had known up until today was a life covered in lies and deceit and I just didn't have the strength to overcome this abrupt nightmare.
I had always done my best to remain resilient and continue rising back up each time I would fall. Over the last year and a half I had changed my ways tremendously in attempt to better my self and my life. I made amends whenever and wherever I could, I sacrificed many things that brought me joy just for the sake of making others happy, I tried harder to do right and to let go of my bad habits, to rid myself of my shortcomings… I tried, tried & tried.
Anything that I seen wasn’t benefiting me or anything others thought to be a waste of time, I let go. I attempted to do all of the things I needed in order to bring happiness to those I loved the most, and to arrange my life in a way that better aligned with the best interests of myself and my loved ones. Everything was done for the betterment of our futures and now I see that none of it ever mattered. Nothing I could have done would have ever changed things because it was all set from the get go. I was doomed from the start. Happiness was never an option for me.
Come to think of it, what were my options? This was the most recent thought I had found myself pondering on when I realized that I couldn't just go back to living the way I was used to. I was wallowing in my own misery and self-pity. But this only added to my feelings of hopelessness and despair.
Then, as it began to get later in the evening, I realized that sitting here moping over my circumstances any longer wasn’t going to fix anything. I had to decide what to do now. As much as I wanted to just run away, change my name, and begin a new life somewhere else, I knew that wasn’t viable. I had my children to think about still. Although I wasn’t much of the mother that I knew they deserved, I was still the only mom they had and I had to get up and woman up and deal with this mess of a life that I suddenly found myself in.
How can I accumulate the strength and courage to do this, though? I thought back on my life over the past several years and it was as if everything had been piling up on me relentlessly, one thing after the other. But I realized I hadn't been tossed any cards that I was unable to handle this far so now could be no different if I chose to view it this way. I just had to choose to change my perspective on things. I thought back and done a recap of the most difficult times I had faced these last few years. I had to ask myself what I was able to benefit from these challenges. And it was literally just a matter of minutes before I realized that life had only been throwing me obstacles and challenges that were necessary in some way, that were vital to my growth. All that I had endured was needed and brought to me at exactly the right time in my life. My hardest times had taught me so much that I had so needed to learn. They not only taught me many valuable lessons about life and about love, but they also proved to me that I didn't lack the strength or courage or wits it took to be able to tackle any challenge successfully.
These obstacles not only helped me see the survivor I’d become, but I could now see that I was capable of withstanding any storm as long as I didn't give up or allow these difficulties to defeat me. Each storm we are destined to face is merely a blessing in disguise. Without the hard times, how would we ever come to know our true level of grit, strength, or determination? How would we ever know what we are capable of or how could we gain the adequate amount of personal experience in order to be an inspiration to those following in our footsteps? How could we truly be confident in ourselves enough to lead the way for our children if we weren't forced to suffer a little? And the biggest benefit of these super challenging times is that without the suffering we adhered to in order to make it through, then we would have never come to truly know and fully appreciate the good times. Life is always going to have it's ups and downs but it's about learning to take the good with the bad and being grateful for each and every passing moment because your only going to have one life. Why not live it to your maximum capacity while being molded into a better, stronger version of yourself all at the same time?
It truly took a lot of building myself back up after today’s storms broke down my reality so harshly but I found the courage to do it and I am glad I did. I know that things are going to be challenging for awhile and that the sting of the pain will not ease entirely for quite some time but it will one day ease. And when that day comes, I am going to gladly enjoy the life waiting for me on the other side of the pain. It will be all the more sweet. For all those who have let me down or lied to me, I forgive them. However, I do not forget. I have been forced to cross paths with people such as these for a reason and I know that reason was to learn to stop being so trusting and giving to those who don't do the same for me in return. You can not fill from an empty cup, right? Thank you, Universe, for all the life-changing lessons I’ve been blessed with. I needed them for the betterment of my overall growth.
I see now that I should never allow anyone the power to influence my happiness or quality of life because I deserve my happiness just as much as anyone does… if not more. It was me who worked so hard to get where I am today and I will never give in or give up so easily again… not for anyone. Especially not for those who have only held me back or offer me no purpose in moving forward for the greater good of my life and well-being. I am completely thankful this evening and several hours ago I never could have imagined I would be able to say that. That is all the proof I need in order to see that I am where I am supposed to be. The universe knows exactly what we need and will deliver it to us at exactly the perfect time. We just got to be more trusting.
© Amanda.Humphrey
