I want to write from my heart, not bound by the laws of expectations, but for me to ease the hole in my heart. Writing for the feelings I chose to bury... I chose to bury the smile that warmed her heart and chose anger to lead my life. So, here and now. I'll tell you my very burdens, not out of pity, but for my heart to heal. The day it happened, it started as a wonderful day. The beast of my household gave no beating in the morning. Oh... a perfect day I thought. I decided to go to my first loves home... walked I did. It took two hours to get there, but I did not care. I was alone and thought about how I had no brused ribs, no black eyes and no blood from my face. A happy day, so I entertained a thought. What if I told her on this fine and beautiful day, told her that I love her, that her smile warms my very soul, her beauty baffles me and her eyes envelop my heart. On that walk, I thought about her smile and the tree at which we would read together. I even started dancing, the happiness just consumed my heart and it could not be buried. As I got to the door of the trailer, I hesitated, remembering that there's a far worse monster in that trailer. Scared I was, thinking that this monster was going meet me with a punch or beat me senseless as he did in the past. Though, the thought of her hug gave me strength to face this monster. A thought did occur to me, so I said it out loud to myself "A coward, I am a coward to rely on her strength." So, I blocked her out to face the monster alone. Terrified I now am, so I knocked on the door. The monster opened the door and told me to come in. His games were on, so he didn't care to beat me. Happiness flooded my mind and went to hug my true love, though I did not realize my hands were shaking. Hugging her made the shivers pass and the shaking to stop. A fool I am, knowing her strength is one of mine, we both are in a similar situation. Blocking her beauty to serve a selfish wish to be strong. I felt as if I could not tell her, but then the monster got up and threw a beer can at her head. The monster told her to get him another beer, I inquired strength and told him that I'd do it. Her protector I am, yet the monster said "That whore needs to grab me a beer." So as her protector, I grabbed it for him, telling him with that false strength "She's 7 just like me, she could never be a whore, yet your feeble mind could muster such a deplorable statement." Those words from a book I read, my mother explained the meaning behind them. Shocked at how I stood up to that monster, but he went quiet, for the hour of him playing games and drinking alcohol, I was spending time with the one I loved. Finally gained the courage to tell her how I felt, telling her this "Your eyes... they pull my heart and hurt it, not a painful hurt, but this warmth gathers in my heart. I want you... you to be mine. I desire your smile because it makes my heart slow and my chest hot. Makes me want to protect it and see it flourish. It's like seeing a dianthus bloom after a long winter, its bloom lasts for such a long time, beautiful as it looks and the smell brings forth a gentleness. I'm... I am in love with you, I want to be your one." But, before she could say anything. The monster came up to me and as I turned around, I was met with a punch to the gut. After the gut punch, he threw me against the wall near his tv where the corner was. He grabbed her and told me that I would never be able to please her. I ran towards him trying to make him stop, but he ended up kicking me in the face, back to that corner as I cried. He placed her on the counter facing me, making sure that I could see and he grabbed a knife, nearing it to her throat. Speechless I am, 'cause what he said next is forever ingrained in my soul "You can never protect her, you get to watch her soul leave her body as I take her for my own. You move and I will cut her throat." The boy in the corner couldn't help, but cry... cause she was screaming telling me this "Run... please RUN! You'll never see me the same again, please..." I couldn't, I knew the monster would slit her throat. To him, it was another mans child, it was just a freeloader to him. I watched as her soul was ripped from her very eyes... staring at me with tears in her eyes. Watching as her screams stopped after 3 minutes... silence befell the room. I cried in the corner as this horror happened and as he was done, she didn't move her gaze from mine. We stared at each other, baring witness to what has happened. I cannot tell you the words directly of what he did that day. I can only tell you, I went home and made sure I forgot. Yet, this demon is always right there, in my ear, it speaks truth. I couldn't save her. Sad I am... no uplifting speech, telling you my scar I bare.
© Process-12