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Growing
There lays so much beauty within a broken road. Every crack and pothole came with years of traffic. All the repairs gave us, new roadways.
As I'm still learning to repair myself from all the heart break I have endured since I was fifteen years old, I kind of look at my life as a broken road. A road that has more than enough to potholes and cracks to write a book about.
Being fifteen and searching for love can only cause you misery. I thought I had found my forever, the man I would spend enternity with because of the intimacy I had felt for the "honeymoon" stage, but only to find out that I had only found the man who gave me the strength today to not condone in the disrespect, he lashed out to me in the past.
Once that intimacy turned into cruelty, I felt as if I needed him. I couldn't live without him. Thoughts of "Who would ever even want a battered 21 year old?" His words, all the blows from the hands that was once so gentle to me, created a darkness within myself I thought I would never be able to light up again.
Until, I met a person so unexpectedly. A person, who eased my soul. Who took the time to learn me. Someone who was my blessing in disguise. A person who just completed the puzzle. He made everything make so much sense. Every hit, he fixed with a kiss. Every harsh word, he made disappear with such beauty.
Today, I still fall in love with him everyday. The way he makes me get out of bed with some flowers instead of harsh words or a bucket of water. The way he switches laundry when I haven't had the time to do so, or even washes the dishes I hadn't got too. He even helps me cook dinner and doesn't laugh when I might burn some of the food. He'll take the blame and still eat the food just to see me smile. He pushes me to conquer all fears, to face them headon. He doesn't let me forget my dream in my life. He doesn't judge me for the way I overthink every detail in my life. He doesn't allow me to push him away when I feel I need too. He shows me everyday how I should have been treated years ago. He shows me that I have always been enough for everyone in my life even they refused to see it. He has showed me that all my scares and all my pain never broke me. They just made me stronger, braver, wiser, and unstoppable. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't show me he appreciates me for who I am and not what the outside world sees me as.
Love isn't easy, but it is easy with the right person. Love isn't always about the years you hold with a person or the memories you share with a person. Love is the compassion you have for them. The comprehension of the person's mentality. Love is when you know, you don't want anyone else. When all you see are them in a room full of people. Love isn't fighting, walking on eggshells. Love is wholesome and free. Love is more than looks. Love is deeper than a dollar bill could ever be. Love is genuine and open. Love isn't closed off and forced. Love is bright and giggly. Love isn't dark and scary.
Being loved incorrectly for years can cause major issues within yourself. Behaviors that you have learnt due to the cheating, beating, and verbal abuse. Behaviors that can be hard to undo, unlearn. Behaviors that I have spent almost two years trying to unlearn them. Behaviors that my partner deals with on a daily and helps me learn to unlearn them. Behaviors that caused myself harm even after I left such an abusive relationship. Behaviors that have effected my children, siblings, and parents that I never knew did until I started to heal myself. Healing is a long process. Healing takes strength and being able to call yourself out. Healing takes courage. Healing is a powerful experience. Healing means opening wounds and closing them back the correct way. Healing is possible. Start healing. Healing was the only thing that saved me from my own self destructive behavior. If I can do it, you can do it. Just start believing in yourself again. Start loving yourself again. Start loving the people around you. Start embracing yourself to the fullest. I promise you, you won't regret healing and tormentating all the behaviors you have let suck your true, pure behaviors up.
Even though, I know he would never lift a finger to harm me in anyway, I still catch myself flinching at his movements. In this moment, I always expect him to get upset or angry with me. He doesn't. He usually ignores them or wraps his big arms around me with kiss on the forehead. In those moments is how I know I found the man I'll spend my forever with.The man who sees every ounce of my flaws, but embraces them and loves me anyway.
If your the girl at the beginning thinking you can never be loved. Blossom. Stop searching for the love. Let the love find you unexpectedly. And trust me, you'll know once you have found this love. It's a feeling you won't be able to shake. A feeling that won't go away. A feeling that will creap up on you at night, wishing to be next to them. Urning for them to be in your presence because of the calmness they bring to your soul.
A calmness that you haven't felt for a long time. There's always that storm. That storm that destroys everything in its path. Destroys homes. Destroys wishes. Destroys dreams. A storm that only allows the calmness and beauty to shine afterwards. Embrace your storm and shine afterwards. Don't allow the storm to control you forever. Fight back. Shine like the fireworks on the Fourth of July. This will be your greatest revenge on your abuser.
#LifeChangingContest
© Beautiful Chaos
As I'm still learning to repair myself from all the heart break I have endured since I was fifteen years old, I kind of look at my life as a broken road. A road that has more than enough to potholes and cracks to write a book about.
Being fifteen and searching for love can only cause you misery. I thought I had found my forever, the man I would spend enternity with because of the intimacy I had felt for the "honeymoon" stage, but only to find out that I had only found the man who gave me the strength today to not condone in the disrespect, he lashed out to me in the past.
Once that intimacy turned into cruelty, I felt as if I needed him. I couldn't live without him. Thoughts of "Who would ever even want a battered 21 year old?" His words, all the blows from the hands that was once so gentle to me, created a darkness within myself I thought I would never be able to light up again.
Until, I met a person so unexpectedly. A person, who eased my soul. Who took the time to learn me. Someone who was my blessing in disguise. A person who just completed the puzzle. He made everything make so much sense. Every hit, he fixed with a kiss. Every harsh word, he made disappear with such beauty.
Today, I still fall in love with him everyday. The way he makes me get out of bed with some flowers instead of harsh words or a bucket of water. The way he switches laundry when I haven't had the time to do so, or even washes the dishes I hadn't got too. He even helps me cook dinner and doesn't laugh when I might burn some of the food. He'll take the blame and still eat the food just to see me smile. He pushes me to conquer all fears, to face them headon. He doesn't let me forget my dream in my life. He doesn't judge me for the way I overthink every detail in my life. He doesn't allow me to push him away when I feel I need too. He shows me everyday how I should have been treated years ago. He shows me that I have always been enough for everyone in my life even they refused to see it. He has showed me that all my scares and all my pain never broke me. They just made me stronger, braver, wiser, and unstoppable. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't show me he appreciates me for who I am and not what the outside world sees me as.
Love isn't easy, but it is easy with the right person. Love isn't always about the years you hold with a person or the memories you share with a person. Love is the compassion you have for them. The comprehension of the person's mentality. Love is when you know, you don't want anyone else. When all you see are them in a room full of people. Love isn't fighting, walking on eggshells. Love is wholesome and free. Love is more than looks. Love is deeper than a dollar bill could ever be. Love is genuine and open. Love isn't closed off and forced. Love is bright and giggly. Love isn't dark and scary.
Being loved incorrectly for years can cause major issues within yourself. Behaviors that you have learnt due to the cheating, beating, and verbal abuse. Behaviors that can be hard to undo, unlearn. Behaviors that I have spent almost two years trying to unlearn them. Behaviors that my partner deals with on a daily and helps me learn to unlearn them. Behaviors that caused myself harm even after I left such an abusive relationship. Behaviors that have effected my children, siblings, and parents that I never knew did until I started to heal myself. Healing is a long process. Healing takes strength and being able to call yourself out. Healing takes courage. Healing is a powerful experience. Healing means opening wounds and closing them back the correct way. Healing is possible. Start healing. Healing was the only thing that saved me from my own self destructive behavior. If I can do it, you can do it. Just start believing in yourself again. Start loving yourself again. Start loving the people around you. Start embracing yourself to the fullest. I promise you, you won't regret healing and tormentating all the behaviors you have let suck your true, pure behaviors up.
Even though, I know he would never lift a finger to harm me in anyway, I still catch myself flinching at his movements. In this moment, I always expect him to get upset or angry with me. He doesn't. He usually ignores them or wraps his big arms around me with kiss on the forehead. In those moments is how I know I found the man I'll spend my forever with.The man who sees every ounce of my flaws, but embraces them and loves me anyway.
If your the girl at the beginning thinking you can never be loved. Blossom. Stop searching for the love. Let the love find you unexpectedly. And trust me, you'll know once you have found this love. It's a feeling you won't be able to shake. A feeling that won't go away. A feeling that will creap up on you at night, wishing to be next to them. Urning for them to be in your presence because of the calmness they bring to your soul.
A calmness that you haven't felt for a long time. There's always that storm. That storm that destroys everything in its path. Destroys homes. Destroys wishes. Destroys dreams. A storm that only allows the calmness and beauty to shine afterwards. Embrace your storm and shine afterwards. Don't allow the storm to control you forever. Fight back. Shine like the fireworks on the Fourth of July. This will be your greatest revenge on your abuser.
#LifeChangingContest
© Beautiful Chaos
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