"𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝘁𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂" I whispered softly to myself as I close this pair of emerald eyes I have. Colored green eyes which everyone loves to look at, yet the most part I hated when seeing my reflection on the mirror.

I chuckled bitterly and shook my head as the familiar thought sailed again inside my thick-clouded mind,

𝐶𝑎𝑛 𝐼 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑐𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑒𝑐𝑒𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑒𝑦𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑒 𝑢𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑡𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑡𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑠.

Every person I met for the first time has always something to say. If not about the clothes I'm wearing, when I took off my eyeglasses, it would be about these almond shape windows attached on my average-looking visage. And they would say with such exaggeration, "You have the rarest eye color in the world! It's beautiful!"

In every reply of "𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌𝒔" to these people, it has a corresponding words of shame and sarcasm at the back of my mind.

𝑃𝑓𝑡. 𝐿𝑒𝑡'𝑠 𝑒𝑥𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑒 𝑒𝑦𝑒𝑠, 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑛. 𝐴𝑓𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝐼 ℎ𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑜𝑛 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒.

They thought I have "... 𝒃𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒉 𝒐𝒇 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒔? 𝑯𝒎𝒏, 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐! 𝒀𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒂 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏. 𝒀𝒐𝒖'𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒓𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒆𝒇𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒍𝒚!"

They say my parents "... 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒚. 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒇𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎. 𝑰 𝒃𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒂 𝒘𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒇𝒂𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒚 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔!"

And they told me, "𝑰𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒑𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒇 𝒘𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅-𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒐𝒚𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒔. 𝑾𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅𝒏'𝒕 𝒇𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔?"

When in truth?

I may have bunch of friends or best friends but they always fail about one thing, that is to ask me how I am doing.

They thought I'm happy, but I'm not.

They thought I'm doing good, but no. I maybe doing good with my acads life but I am telling you, I am not doing good with my personal life.

They thought I'm okay. Yes, I've always been okay but I haven't felt fine at all.

They don't see the truth in my eyes because all that they can perceive when looking through these freaking almond-shape windows is that...

𝐼 𝑎𝑚 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎 𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑓𝑒𝑐𝑡 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑟𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒.

Curse of having this pair.

My mother? She despises me. She don't even look at me with such affection of love as her eldest. She always wear the countenance of disgust when I'm around. Those eyes she has, I got it from her. Those eyes of mama on which I hated the most from myself, I would term it as 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐥𝐞 when I sometimes manage to propped myself to look directly on it.

She's blaming me of my father's going.

Had good-looking boyfriends? I did have. But they did not love me like my father does.

I've yearned for love.

I tried to find it from many guys out there, but in the end, I failed. They would always leave me hanging, tired, lifeless and broken. I'm in the verge of generalizing guys because the first man who broke my heart was none other than my father. They did what my father did to me.

He loves me, I know that. I felt it. But the reality would still hit me that he left.

He's far away living with his mistress, probably having a better life and building a better family.

Well, maybe we're not enough. Maybe mama's not enough. Maybe his children are not enough. Maybe life with us is not enough for him. Or maybe he was deceived by mama's great asset just like how those boyfriends I had, fell from these 𝘢𝘭𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 of mine.

They thought living with us would always bear perfect fruits in life.

They forgot that we are human too like them. Filled with flaws and insecurities. Not a god. Not perfect. Just human.

The one who should be the one helping me to love these green eyes has turned away.

The one who should be helping me to behold my eyes as a blessing has walked away.

Contact lenses? No. I would be fooling myself with that stuff. Even if I want those, I can't and I won't.

This pair of eyes deceived everyone around me.

I'm fed up with everything.

I'm worn out.

𝙉𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙚, 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙗𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙄'𝙫𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙬𝙖𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜?

✎ photo cttro

#fiction #emotions #exhausted
© cristiana g.