The Inside-Out Diaries
Entry: Ask me if I'm okay
1/19/2021
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Ask me if I'm okay.
Because I'm not.
Yesterday, I bawled my eyes out and I held a knife up to my wrist with every intention of slicing myself at the count of three...
It could have been so easy.-
But instead I didn't, because I'm too weak.
And I kept thinking about all the people who made me want to die in the first place.
Because even though a part of me hated them, an equal part loved them too.
And so I gave up.
It felt like my mind shut off.
I went to my room and closed the door.
I turned off the light and I put on piano instrumentals.
I stared at the tv for three hours into the night.
I only remember blinking a couple times.
My eyes were dry as fuck.
Around 1:00 am I wrote an apology to my mom for pissing her off.
And I almost told her that I was going to kill myself earlier that day but I didn't.
I don't want to be another one of her problems.
And then I made the mistake of looking into the fucking mirror and a shit ton of insecurities that I've been pushing away came rushing back.
Like a tsunami that I couldn't stop.
My anxiety kicked in again, and I felt hopeless.
I haven't wanted to off myself that much in my life, but for the first time, I felt like a person with emotions.
Granted, I hated those emotions but it felt nice to know that I could still hate myself.
Recently the days blur together and life doesn't even feel real.
Sometimes I think I made you up.
Because there is no way someone as good as you could ever come into my life.
There's just no way.
I think about all my good memories with friends and truthfully speaking,
they all feel like dreams.
Writing this feels like a dream.
I just want to feel alive again.
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© Nesi_VP