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SPOAN Chapter 4: What did Stevie believe?
As the vastness of space passed them by Selene and Stevie sat at the table both extremely bored. Then Stevie looked over at Selene, and asked something that had been on his mind for a while,
"Still wearing that cross necklace,huh". "Why wouldn't I be, Stevie," Selene asked, a bit confused.
"Well other than your activism, and it's conflicts with all of it" Stevie stopped and gestured to himself barely holding it together with the distance between him and the photo.
Selene eyed him with a sad look, then it changed to a smile and she answered, "Just because you exist, in current form, doesn't mean there isn't something after, it just means for whatever reason good or bad or neutral you are still here". Stevie chuckled, but he wondered deep inside if that wasn't true. Stevie then posed the first question again.
"Okay, but that still doesn't answer the first.."
"The first question is even simpler to answer, if you actually think about it." Selene bemused.
Indeed Stevie understood after a second thought.
"You love God and hate the church" Stevie wasn't too shocked by that. His feelings had been similar prior to everything.
"Of course, and my religion is my religion, it is my right to believe what I chose the same as I would afford to my Jewish, Muslim, and other types of religious friends, or even atheists , that is within all of our rights" Selene asserted.
"OK, But still" Stevie started again.
"But still what, I don't cherry pick like our parents or like some of their peers do to justify homophobic or transphobic behaviors. I can't imagine there is any decent person Christian or otherwise who does that," Selene affirmed.
Stevie used to believe all that too, but what if… what if one of those believed almost just as he did, but who did cherry pick that stuff had been someone who had seen an opportunity and killed him. The thought probably wouldn't have shocked Warren, he never had believed in any of it, but Stevie had felt himself recoil at the thought, as he was sure Selene would as well.
Stevie just nodded "Yeah, maybe" he whispered, not quite believing what his cousin had said.
Selene looked at him quietly for a few minutes processing this apparent half hearted, but really almost no hearted answer.
When she spoke next it was with a heavier heart. "If you don't still believe in something at least, then what do you think is gonna happen when or if you.." She stared straight through him with that question, though Stevie wouldn't ever admit it.
"Well, since you have so many different friends I thought you might know that already '' Stevie joked.
But then he shifted uncomfortably, and his ghostly form flickered as he next spoke " I do still sort of believe in some pseudo philosophical/religious stuff" Stevie started unsure of why this mattered or if Selene was just passing time by continuing the conversation while they traveled.
He sighed putting the why aside "I still believe that our energy might live on somehow either through infinite cyclical reincarnation, or an on the sea on the breeze type of deal, or even as infinite souls that maybe only some can see." They both looked out the window, and saw sort of tiny flying aliens with wings that were flitting about. Selene seemed perplexed. This wasn't like any species known to her either through first hand knowledge or second or third hand stories. their physiology seemed… Not odd or strange, just new. But then Selene just shook her head. She didn't blame any current or prior Andromeda residents for not telling her (probably lack of trust) they must have trouble with earth people after everything that had been done to the Andromeda residents by some of the earth residents . She sighed now before launching back into the conversation.
"Stevie I just, it just, helps me to believe that there's something post our soul or spirits time here, it's just something that helps me sleep at night helps me find the extra meaning and reasons to be a better and kinder me than yesterday.." She paused cracking a little bit of a more genuine smile for the first time since the conversation started,and "And for me that's the idea of God and heaven all that stuff, and it's something to hold on to for me, do I use it as an excuse for very conditional "love" or even to hold ancient bygone Era judgements no because.." She looked straight in Stevie’s ghostly eyes and finished "because that's not who I am at my core or even all that much further from my center either".
"And in a perfect world no one would be" Stevie said, then he stopped unsure if he wanted to open the wound of either of their sets of parents being the way they were. In the end though the trauma was still obviously a sore spot for all of them on the trip it needed to be brought up. He sucked in a breath then launched into, " But the world we live in is so far from perfect that it's not even funny. People may not to in some decent situations be able to be brazenly homophobic, but in the same breath as trying to be ally to gays or lesbians will hit with a piece of transphobia that is staggeringly bad. And at worst it's both." He sighed without really needing to.
"I get where you're coming from, however it doesn’t change anything" Selene stated.
"It was never meant to" Stevie stated back, and walked away.
As he entered the steering area, and gotten ready he reeled, it had been nearly a month since he last had an adventure like this. He was pumped for this even though it wasn't that far in terms of what they knew of space.
Warren loved that feeling. His uppy chipper mood was immediately soured when his cousin ghosted into the room with an upset expression.
"What is up my wonderful oh so amazing cousin" Warren verbally poked at Stevie.
"Did you notice she still wears the cross necklace" Stevie postulated. Warren just sighed
"I think that Selene has always had to stand out," Warren said, as confusion fell across Stevie's face.
Warren sighed again Then specified "I think it's because she's a protector by nature. I mean she's always felt the need to stand up for choices, but in her case she doesn't just do that for everyone else, well not anymore. She's always felt like if ever anyone who wasn't just intentionally being a rude asshole, was being left out she needed to stick up for them no matter the circumstance which is good, but" he started to drift in thought then finished “ But sometimes people can still seriously hurt you without realizing it” Stevie continued Warren's thoughts who then finished them “And it's not like those people aren't trying they just might not get it, and while some of them might want to others are purposely obtuse. and sometimes it's not easy to tell which is well meaning and who are still just…” he paused again not wanting to be mean even if it was kinda deserved at that point. Stevie, however, well, he didn't care
“Dicks, it's hard to tell who are just dicks.” he said flatly, without shame. “Stevie..”
“What would you prefer? I call them narcissists,dill holes, insecure? Or you know what about what they call most if not all of the community like disgusting inhuman, inhumane? Will that suffice?” he was getting worked up so..
“Not to put out your fire, Stevie, and I do get it, but why stoop to their level, just because they usually sink to that point doesn't mean we should meet them at the bottom” Warren spouted.
“Yeah, well the first pride was a riot, and play respectability politics all you want, but the fact that the first one was a riot is a huge part of the reason we ever got another one” Stevie huffed, and his next words where anything but whispering “ I believe in our community more than I believe in some stuffy government officials most of who have only ever tried to send us back in to the dark ages. They all do it while claiming with a smile that they're being anything but the self righteous, self serving, deliousinal, bunch of sniffling rats they are. Meanwhile conservatives at the bottom are so eager to make everything fit including themselves rather than confront their own internal biases and prejudice, and oh yeah treat people like decent human beings. But maybe that's just how I feel” Stevie finished.
Warren, sighed. At least his cousin has probably finished soapboxing for now. Not that Warren didn't understand. He just never had Stevie's unwavering confidence in himself to actually say those words to anyone he never felt like it was possible to for so many years he felt too broken to say anything to speak out because if he did he was risking potentially everything he had left for potentially nothing. He had always felt that way, but even looking into his heart now he felt very nearly what everyone had always called him or people like him… Empty. Still he spoke what little was left in his heart “I agree, totally and completely, but what are we going to do that we haven't already tried”.
Stevie seeing it now more than any other time how defeated his cousin was, he sighed. “I get why you feel that way, but as long as we keep going there's always a chance, always hope, for tomorrow, but I guess that's just me on my soapbox right.” He looked at his cousin knowing all too well his feelings had shifted. “Listen, I'm not saying believe that everything will magically be better, but that you have to believe that it can be better at all . “ Stevie stopped knowing he had his point across.
Sure enough Warren smiled and then he laughed. “You know this is why I wanted you back so bad no one else would have told me that as honestly as you would have, all though cool it a little next time, you were starting to trigger my anxiety with how angry you were getting”
Which caused Stevie to laugh a little until
“Hey what's that?” he asked, looking out the ship's main front window.
“It looks like, no way I gotta be dreaming this one” Warren rubbed eyes.
“What the actual hell”
Because what they were looking was without a doubt..
“Fairies?”
Author note: I'm gonna explore the themes more in later chapters but I'm blunt and these first four or so chapters are my way of telling you to keep this stuff in mind. So yeah sorry if I'm beating you over the head with the themes or soapboxing as some would call it but it's my only easy way of getting it across. Also if you're wondering where the dissonance is with time periods I'm not sure if I want this to be 10-20 years in the future (more likely what I'm gonna do) or like 100-110 years years in the future in terms of sci-fi time lines but because of most of the way this story is I'm going to probably sort of go with an alternate current time-line with the story being set 10 to 20 years in the future (probably even for flashbacks since most characters excluding Selene, and a few other major characters are in their early to mid 20s) so yeah. Rough draft.
"Still wearing that cross necklace,huh". "Why wouldn't I be, Stevie," Selene asked, a bit confused.
"Well other than your activism, and it's conflicts with all of it" Stevie stopped and gestured to himself barely holding it together with the distance between him and the photo.
Selene eyed him with a sad look, then it changed to a smile and she answered, "Just because you exist, in current form, doesn't mean there isn't something after, it just means for whatever reason good or bad or neutral you are still here". Stevie chuckled, but he wondered deep inside if that wasn't true. Stevie then posed the first question again.
"Okay, but that still doesn't answer the first.."
"The first question is even simpler to answer, if you actually think about it." Selene bemused.
Indeed Stevie understood after a second thought.
"You love God and hate the church" Stevie wasn't too shocked by that. His feelings had been similar prior to everything.
"Of course, and my religion is my religion, it is my right to believe what I chose the same as I would afford to my Jewish, Muslim, and other types of religious friends, or even atheists , that is within all of our rights" Selene asserted.
"OK, But still" Stevie started again.
"But still what, I don't cherry pick like our parents or like some of their peers do to justify homophobic or transphobic behaviors. I can't imagine there is any decent person Christian or otherwise who does that," Selene affirmed.
Stevie used to believe all that too, but what if… what if one of those believed almost just as he did, but who did cherry pick that stuff had been someone who had seen an opportunity and killed him. The thought probably wouldn't have shocked Warren, he never had believed in any of it, but Stevie had felt himself recoil at the thought, as he was sure Selene would as well.
Stevie just nodded "Yeah, maybe" he whispered, not quite believing what his cousin had said.
Selene looked at him quietly for a few minutes processing this apparent half hearted, but really almost no hearted answer.
When she spoke next it was with a heavier heart. "If you don't still believe in something at least, then what do you think is gonna happen when or if you.." She stared straight through him with that question, though Stevie wouldn't ever admit it.
"Well, since you have so many different friends I thought you might know that already '' Stevie joked.
But then he shifted uncomfortably, and his ghostly form flickered as he next spoke " I do still sort of believe in some pseudo philosophical/religious stuff" Stevie started unsure of why this mattered or if Selene was just passing time by continuing the conversation while they traveled.
He sighed putting the why aside "I still believe that our energy might live on somehow either through infinite cyclical reincarnation, or an on the sea on the breeze type of deal, or even as infinite souls that maybe only some can see." They both looked out the window, and saw sort of tiny flying aliens with wings that were flitting about. Selene seemed perplexed. This wasn't like any species known to her either through first hand knowledge or second or third hand stories. their physiology seemed… Not odd or strange, just new. But then Selene just shook her head. She didn't blame any current or prior Andromeda residents for not telling her (probably lack of trust) they must have trouble with earth people after everything that had been done to the Andromeda residents by some of the earth residents . She sighed now before launching back into the conversation.
"Stevie I just, it just, helps me to believe that there's something post our soul or spirits time here, it's just something that helps me sleep at night helps me find the extra meaning and reasons to be a better and kinder me than yesterday.." She paused cracking a little bit of a more genuine smile for the first time since the conversation started,and "And for me that's the idea of God and heaven all that stuff, and it's something to hold on to for me, do I use it as an excuse for very conditional "love" or even to hold ancient bygone Era judgements no because.." She looked straight in Stevie’s ghostly eyes and finished "because that's not who I am at my core or even all that much further from my center either".
"And in a perfect world no one would be" Stevie said, then he stopped unsure if he wanted to open the wound of either of their sets of parents being the way they were. In the end though the trauma was still obviously a sore spot for all of them on the trip it needed to be brought up. He sucked in a breath then launched into, " But the world we live in is so far from perfect that it's not even funny. People may not to in some decent situations be able to be brazenly homophobic, but in the same breath as trying to be ally to gays or lesbians will hit with a piece of transphobia that is staggeringly bad. And at worst it's both." He sighed without really needing to.
"I get where you're coming from, however it doesn’t change anything" Selene stated.
"It was never meant to" Stevie stated back, and walked away.
As he entered the steering area, and gotten ready he reeled, it had been nearly a month since he last had an adventure like this. He was pumped for this even though it wasn't that far in terms of what they knew of space.
Warren loved that feeling. His uppy chipper mood was immediately soured when his cousin ghosted into the room with an upset expression.
"What is up my wonderful oh so amazing cousin" Warren verbally poked at Stevie.
"Did you notice she still wears the cross necklace" Stevie postulated. Warren just sighed
"I think that Selene has always had to stand out," Warren said, as confusion fell across Stevie's face.
Warren sighed again Then specified "I think it's because she's a protector by nature. I mean she's always felt the need to stand up for choices, but in her case she doesn't just do that for everyone else, well not anymore. She's always felt like if ever anyone who wasn't just intentionally being a rude asshole, was being left out she needed to stick up for them no matter the circumstance which is good, but" he started to drift in thought then finished “ But sometimes people can still seriously hurt you without realizing it” Stevie continued Warren's thoughts who then finished them “And it's not like those people aren't trying they just might not get it, and while some of them might want to others are purposely obtuse. and sometimes it's not easy to tell which is well meaning and who are still just…” he paused again not wanting to be mean even if it was kinda deserved at that point. Stevie, however, well, he didn't care
“Dicks, it's hard to tell who are just dicks.” he said flatly, without shame. “Stevie..”
“What would you prefer? I call them narcissists,dill holes, insecure? Or you know what about what they call most if not all of the community like disgusting inhuman, inhumane? Will that suffice?” he was getting worked up so..
“Not to put out your fire, Stevie, and I do get it, but why stoop to their level, just because they usually sink to that point doesn't mean we should meet them at the bottom” Warren spouted.
“Yeah, well the first pride was a riot, and play respectability politics all you want, but the fact that the first one was a riot is a huge part of the reason we ever got another one” Stevie huffed, and his next words where anything but whispering “ I believe in our community more than I believe in some stuffy government officials most of who have only ever tried to send us back in to the dark ages. They all do it while claiming with a smile that they're being anything but the self righteous, self serving, deliousinal, bunch of sniffling rats they are. Meanwhile conservatives at the bottom are so eager to make everything fit including themselves rather than confront their own internal biases and prejudice, and oh yeah treat people like decent human beings. But maybe that's just how I feel” Stevie finished.
Warren, sighed. At least his cousin has probably finished soapboxing for now. Not that Warren didn't understand. He just never had Stevie's unwavering confidence in himself to actually say those words to anyone he never felt like it was possible to for so many years he felt too broken to say anything to speak out because if he did he was risking potentially everything he had left for potentially nothing. He had always felt that way, but even looking into his heart now he felt very nearly what everyone had always called him or people like him… Empty. Still he spoke what little was left in his heart “I agree, totally and completely, but what are we going to do that we haven't already tried”.
Stevie seeing it now more than any other time how defeated his cousin was, he sighed. “I get why you feel that way, but as long as we keep going there's always a chance, always hope, for tomorrow, but I guess that's just me on my soapbox right.” He looked at his cousin knowing all too well his feelings had shifted. “Listen, I'm not saying believe that everything will magically be better, but that you have to believe that it can be better at all . “ Stevie stopped knowing he had his point across.
Sure enough Warren smiled and then he laughed. “You know this is why I wanted you back so bad no one else would have told me that as honestly as you would have, all though cool it a little next time, you were starting to trigger my anxiety with how angry you were getting”
Which caused Stevie to laugh a little until
“Hey what's that?” he asked, looking out the ship's main front window.
“It looks like, no way I gotta be dreaming this one” Warren rubbed eyes.
“What the actual hell”
Because what they were looking was without a doubt..
“Fairies?”
Author note: I'm gonna explore the themes more in later chapters but I'm blunt and these first four or so chapters are my way of telling you to keep this stuff in mind. So yeah sorry if I'm beating you over the head with the themes or soapboxing as some would call it but it's my only easy way of getting it across. Also if you're wondering where the dissonance is with time periods I'm not sure if I want this to be 10-20 years in the future (more likely what I'm gonna do) or like 100-110 years years in the future in terms of sci-fi time lines but because of most of the way this story is I'm going to probably sort of go with an alternate current time-line with the story being set 10 to 20 years in the future (probably even for flashbacks since most characters excluding Selene, and a few other major characters are in their early to mid 20s) so yeah. Rough draft.
