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Shadows Forming
I can feel it breathing down my neck. As close as ever before I can't ignore it. It's getting closer, It's almost time.
These shadows creeping on me ...
The reap coming to claim my life.
My heart sinks knowing what I've done with such a precious gift.
I think about how much love people never stopped trying to force into my path.
So much effort from people that never gave up.
I let go of my life in my early twenties...
Hurt ... Heartbroken and young .
I gave up.
Plagued with the loss of love, suicide and misery let me down a path of misery and endless drugs. I gave up on my self .
I never really returned .. decades later ...
Getting closer to the dirt.
... When I was young I lost a lover ...
I let it torture me...refused to let it go.
It turned into a demon...
... Then it became the monster ...
Reckless... Taking chances ... Risking it all ...
Survival and instinct.. stole my suicide .
I've felt like dying everyday since 05 ... But here I am still ranting on. . A survivor at heart ... The battle myself ..
...
Years of improvement... Years of fail ....
... Every time I get close to some thing I might want ..
. A part of me takes over ... and I sabotage
... ... I've hated myself independently...
The best that I could.
... I showed respect to most .
Decades of bullshit... I have plenty of enemies.
I've always wondered who it would be to finally snuff the mutt.
... My guilt is so heavy ... I treat people with respect and love.
Its a very hypocritical way to live .
... This Suicidal journey was suppose to be temporary... But it seems like it never ends .
... I live with regret ... I deal with my shame...
I'm anti social and use several names.
.. Secretive and manipulating ...
Ive learned a lot of things, tricks to get by ..
... Comforts in places .. most of you wouldn't dare to go ..
... Picking up tools to get me through my fucked up days ..
.... I refuse to live like every one else ....
I won't be a slave to the system ...
... Even after prison ...
Id rather be in the cage .
... I have only one life ...
I've spent a lot of it ... Just trying not to comply.
.... I don't need the walls ....
Over the years I've found happiness in moments that felt like it was .
True honest ambition and the urge to get it done ..
... I let it all go .. after a couple months ...
Sometimes years ...
I'd build it up ... To walk away ...
... Leave my family and look for pain...
Any sort of purpose ...
... Any sort of hope ...
I turn my back ... To drink my booze and smoke my dope .
...
... ... The light blinking ahead...
..
I've wasted every moment of my success
... Using drugs and disappearing ....
I always leave.
... Even when things are at their finest ....
I can certainly count on ... Me being me ...
...
... I think about what it's worth...
This empty void I've been stuffing ...
Wasting away .
... I can feel the difference...
Its like death was never here .
... Just a wish ... I thought I wanted ...
An obsession...
... Now I know things are different....
I feel it ... Almost like eyes ...
.. my skin and all its bugs stop ...
And everything I've ever done to fuck it up my life turns into desperation ...
... Flashbacks of all the ones I love ....
Theyve watched me suffer for 25 years ...
... It feels so stupid ...
It feels so dumb..
.... But it doesn't matter much ....
Because while I'm living nothing will ever be enough .
... My heart still beats with empathy ...
I love my people more than I've ever cared to show...
... As this thing inches closer I can tell it never loses ground ....
Now that it's found me ...
.... Now that it's in range ...
I have no idea how long it might take...
... But I know ... There's not enough time for anything to change.
.. part of me pleads for amends...
While the rest of me crawls at attention trying to see what's not there ...
...
The presence of mortality and my mental health ...
...
.... What a ride ....
I feel so empty ....not because of what I dont have ...
I'm saddened by how much I could of had ...and what I didn't give ....
It feel empty .... it feels cold ...
It feels so pointless ...
... I've been suicidal and hopeless....
What was supposed to last a moment ...
... Carried into me being old ...
Disappointed that I never gave myself away
I refused love and its potential...
... ... I refused to let it live ...
... ... ... Now that it's here. ......
I feel so absorbed... I feel selfish....
... ... Knowing that I have so much to give ...
I felt like it was stolen ...
....
... Ironically ....
.
..... It comes with me in the end ....
© KeysNcages♠️
These shadows creeping on me ...
The reap coming to claim my life.
My heart sinks knowing what I've done with such a precious gift.
I think about how much love people never stopped trying to force into my path.
So much effort from people that never gave up.
I let go of my life in my early twenties...
Hurt ... Heartbroken and young .
I gave up.
Plagued with the loss of love, suicide and misery let me down a path of misery and endless drugs. I gave up on my self .
I never really returned .. decades later ...
Getting closer to the dirt.
... When I was young I lost a lover ...
I let it torture me...refused to let it go.
It turned into a demon...
... Then it became the monster ...
Reckless... Taking chances ... Risking it all ...
Survival and instinct.. stole my suicide .
I've felt like dying everyday since 05 ... But here I am still ranting on. . A survivor at heart ... The battle myself ..
...
Years of improvement... Years of fail ....
... Every time I get close to some thing I might want ..
. A part of me takes over ... and I sabotage
... ... I've hated myself independently...
The best that I could.
... I showed respect to most .
Decades of bullshit... I have plenty of enemies.
I've always wondered who it would be to finally snuff the mutt.
... My guilt is so heavy ... I treat people with respect and love.
Its a very hypocritical way to live .
... This Suicidal journey was suppose to be temporary... But it seems like it never ends .
... I live with regret ... I deal with my shame...
I'm anti social and use several names.
.. Secretive and manipulating ...
Ive learned a lot of things, tricks to get by ..
... Comforts in places .. most of you wouldn't dare to go ..
... Picking up tools to get me through my fucked up days ..
.... I refuse to live like every one else ....
I won't be a slave to the system ...
... Even after prison ...
Id rather be in the cage .
... I have only one life ...
I've spent a lot of it ... Just trying not to comply.
.... I don't need the walls ....
Over the years I've found happiness in moments that felt like it was .
True honest ambition and the urge to get it done ..
... I let it all go .. after a couple months ...
Sometimes years ...
I'd build it up ... To walk away ...
... Leave my family and look for pain...
Any sort of purpose ...
... Any sort of hope ...
I turn my back ... To drink my booze and smoke my dope .
...
... ... The light blinking ahead...
..
I've wasted every moment of my success
... Using drugs and disappearing ....
I always leave.
... Even when things are at their finest ....
I can certainly count on ... Me being me ...
...
... I think about what it's worth...
This empty void I've been stuffing ...
Wasting away .
... I can feel the difference...
Its like death was never here .
... Just a wish ... I thought I wanted ...
An obsession...
... Now I know things are different....
I feel it ... Almost like eyes ...
.. my skin and all its bugs stop ...
And everything I've ever done to fuck it up my life turns into desperation ...
... Flashbacks of all the ones I love ....
Theyve watched me suffer for 25 years ...
... It feels so stupid ...
It feels so dumb..
.... But it doesn't matter much ....
Because while I'm living nothing will ever be enough .
... My heart still beats with empathy ...
I love my people more than I've ever cared to show...
... As this thing inches closer I can tell it never loses ground ....
Now that it's found me ...
.... Now that it's in range ...
I have no idea how long it might take...
... But I know ... There's not enough time for anything to change.
.. part of me pleads for amends...
While the rest of me crawls at attention trying to see what's not there ...
...
The presence of mortality and my mental health ...
...
.... What a ride ....
I feel so empty ....not because of what I dont have ...
I'm saddened by how much I could of had ...and what I didn't give ....
It feel empty .... it feels cold ...
It feels so pointless ...
... I've been suicidal and hopeless....
What was supposed to last a moment ...
... Carried into me being old ...
Disappointed that I never gave myself away
I refused love and its potential...
... ... I refused to let it live ...
... ... ... Now that it's here. ......
I feel so absorbed... I feel selfish....
... ... Knowing that I have so much to give ...
I felt like it was stolen ...
....
... Ironically ....
.
..... It comes with me in the end ....
© KeysNcages♠️
