The sky was grey on that day when he walked in the room and looked away, something felt strange about him, his eyes won't meet mine I've never experienced such a moment since our 12 years of marriage. I know him better than he knows himself, or so I like to think and make myself believe. He's my best friend, the person that brightens a dark moment in my life, I gave myself to him as a wife, a friend, and so much more, I know he is my friend but I've always felt I'll never be that friend for him, he'll never consider me, I don't know why and something in me wouldn't dare me to search for the answer. He's a good man, an excellent spouse, a man of many truths, many hidden skeletons and many things I've experienced and yet to see or maybe I'll never get the opportunity. One thing for sure though, he'll never be a father, a dad to a little human being, the topic is sensitive, it's the type of personal that makes me emotional. In my head he'll make a great dad, but fate will never favor him like that. I see the way he stares at his colleagues children, the guilt pulls at him like a man hanging by a thread. he spends his days at the office, weekends with his friends fishing and his nights admiring me, you see the problem is I would've giggled catching him staring at me but now it means little to me, probably nothing at all. Maybe I still do love this man, maybe this is a stubborn type of stupid type of love or maybe it's just respect I am confusing for love, or what if it's just my soft heart betraying me. I know this man will never deserve me, I used to think otherwise, hard to remember or believe a time like that exist in the world. Maybe I am gullible for sticking around and standing beside him knowing if he was wearing my shoes he would've walked out the door without even giving it a second thought. I spent 12 years thinking I knew this man, thinking I had him figured out, thinking finally he's the man of my dreams only to find out some thing, or someone sent him to destroy me, destroy the woman in me that I spent decades building. I know I should've turned this man back into dust, send him where he came from, but deep down inside of me I also know this heart of mine is made out of softness and gold. I still hold this hope that one day by some miracle he'll change, he'll be the man I've dreamt of. I try to snap myself out of this delusion many days but my heart tends to betray me just like he did. I still do love him after everything he did to us, to me and my mental health, I still remember that evening sitting on the couch waiting for him to come home from his business trip, it had been a long week without him at home, I've missed him like crazy, he used to make me crazy you know the healthy type of crazy, the madly in love type of crazy and I used to enjoy it but after that night I found a new crazy the crazy that makes you want to break someone's face open. I hate how much power I gave this man, I gave him enough to break my soul. I never thought I would've seen a day where the only person I showered with all my love will turn around and disrespect my love like it meant absolutely nothing and he made sure I saw that day clearly. I don't hate him, I just wish on many days that I had never met him to begin with. I am still unsure how to recover from a shock that comes without a manual on how to handle betrayal and come to walk away from it, I deserve more than I got from 12 years of marriage. I should've gotten more, a lot more of respect and reciprocated love, I should've gotten faithfulness, a loyal man and a home filled with protection. Never in all my years I would've thought another human being, especially a woman could or will become a threat, a threat to me, my marriage and what I fought to build with my sweat and blood but hadn't been for you opening our front door and giving her the opportunity to access our home she wouldn't be able to become a threat, come to think of it she's a threat only to me because she's the woman you've been sleeping with when you went on all those business trips to only you and her knows where, was it ever really a business trip to Italy or a trip to strip her naked in a master bedroom with the keys thrown somewhere impossible to find the next morning, but that never bothered you because you just wanted to lay there and have her all over again the next morning. You're a sick human being, are you even a human being at this point? I spent so much time wondering where your sex drive and energy went, you started to get more and more tired every night you came home and I wanted to make love but now my eyes are open wide, you made sweet love and gave her your last drop of energy, I should've known, I could've kept my thoughts and energy to myself, for myself and for my health. My biggest question is why did you get married? especially to me, you could've gotten married to her and save me from all of this drama and emotional damage. If there's a better woman out there for you I believe there's a better man out there for me, you just decided it was okay to waste my time and my opportunity to find the man for me. I don't understand the point of getting married and destroying another woman without any consideration. Let's be honest you did gained a whole lot from cheating, I am so happy for you, you really deserve all the happiness you received and all the good things she gave you, AIDS was the best thing she gave you and in all honesty the two of you deserves each other. I used to cry myself to sleep feeling less of a woman, questioning my health and my worth, I wanted your kids, a print, a bloodline of you walking around our home and for so many years you looked at me and blamed me for depriving you the opportunity to have your own children. For so long I was made to believe I was unable to have children of my own, I started to paint myself a world where it'll never be, and I accepted the reality a reality you deceived me into thinking, not for a split second did I ever thought it could've been you all along, I was so caught up in lies, I was living out those lies, I was so buried in them it was difficult to see the light on the other side of the room. You're not human, you're a monster to make me believe I was at fault knowing fully well those papers you always kept locked away in your personal safe are from the doctor and it clearly states you'll never be able to impregnate a woman. All these years you made a fool out of me, you had me wrapped up in a world that doesn't exist, a world you built to distract you from your own ugly reality. What you did to me was dirty and unfair, you took my sanity away, my health decreased because you couldn't face your monsters, so you tried to throw them at me, you lied to yourself as much as you lied to me, you ate your lies so much you started to confuse reality with a fairytale. You are a monster, and the woman that accepted a married man into her bed while his wife awaits him at home deserves you as a husband more than I ever did. A match made somewhere but not in heaven.


@lettersfromsomiee






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