I am not a good person. I mean, after being myself for my whole life, I have come to the conclusion that I am not good, not at all. There is a part of me that is good or that likes to pretend that I am good. This part of me tries to feel accepted, loved and respected. However, there's another part of me that is dark. Sometimes I feel that this dark part of me has so much anger that it can destroy the world. It can destroy everything that the other part of me has built over my entire life. I can give you some examples. Let's say, I don't always like people. I don't like to talk, I don't even like to go out. Mind you, I am not an introvert. But then, I am an introvert. There are days when I can become the life of the party and then there are days when people won't even know I am there. It's like this endless fight between me and the other me. I don't even know which me I should show to the world. I used to feel like the better me should come out more as people love it. They care for me. They compliment it but they don't take it seriously. I feel like I am talking to a wall and that people think I am weak or I am not good enough. However, the darker side of me can hurt people. It can say things that should not be said, it can do things that should not be done. I am constantly thinking about which side of me needs to be shown more? I mean it's difficult for me to control my anger and again I can't hurt someone. I just love to feel like I belong here. I am afraid that if I let people show the real me then they will not stay and they will leave. But the irony is people eventually leave. It has happened millions of times that people have taken advantage of my good self and I have been foolish enough to give them the chance despite knowing everything. I have tried to look past the things that are Infront of my eyes. This is like a pattern. For example: I am not good at judging people. It always happens that I think someone is someone and then they turn out to be completely opposite. That shocks me and yet I still try to do the same mistakes. We all do. We just never learn, is'nt it?. I get angry but I don't know whether I am angry on myself or others. I don't know whether whatsoever is happening around me is my fault or others? I mean I am a true believer of the Hooponopono philosophy. According to this philosophy, whatever happens around you happens because of you. You are 100% responsible for everything in your life. You will need to stop reacting if you want to change the way you live or the way you see life. However, this is so hard. I mean it is hard when you are putting 24*7 hours of hard work just to feel that you are not good enough. It seems hard to listen that you are not strong enough or you are not ride enough to tackle people that you have to tackle. I feel like I don't get the respect and yet they love me dearly. I know it's a weird feeling and I have nothing but to carry on with this to reach the end of this journey. I hope I find the silver lining somewhere.
Thousands of people use this platform as their way to spread positivity. However, I have decided to use this as my own platform to channel my pains, anger and negativity. I think I deserve to tell my part of the story and I need a place to be me. This is the place. A place for my secrets. I hope to find my solutions in the words that I write. Maybe the answer to my questions are hidden behind the questions only.
Thank you
Anisha Ray
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