I was a shitty person in my active addiction. Possibly even before that. I was a horrible human being and that's God's truth. I used people, everyone I knew and everyone that I came in contact with. I took advantage of and used men, women, my friends, complete strangers and even my family. I became a master manipulator. I robbed people, stole, lied, cheated, everything that you can imagine, I did it to anyone and everyone. I lived for myself and no one else. I had reached a point in my life that nothing else mattered except the drugs and myself. I was unstoppable. Out of control, I thrived on that shit every single day, I got off on it. I was proud of my ability to say and do whatever I wanted, to manipulate people to get my way. What a disgusting piece of shit. That became my high as well. How fast could I get them and get away? How the tallys would keep adding up, another victory for me. I didn't give a fuck about myself or my life anymore. I reached the point of no return. The unimaginably, disgusting, despicable and vindictive things that I have done in my active addiction still haunt me today. The places that I lived, the places I stayed and the situations that I put myself in were unreal. When I tell you they were dangerous, gross, toxic, unclean and sketchy, it's an understatement at best. This one time, a women and her plug broke into my apartment and held a gun to my head because I didn't come back with their money. A few nights during the summer I slept under the railroad tracks because I was homeless. I would lead men on to believe I was interested in them, believing the poor me, sad sap, bullshit story I told them long enough to keep a roof over my head for a few days. I'd get what I could from them, and run. There was this time where, somehow, I was put in a situation that lead to someone tasing and stabbing me, slashing my tire, before they stole all of my money and taking off, leaving me there in that condition. I rolled my car multiple times in the median one night, high as hell, going the wrong way on the highway, ditching the car and taking off before the cops came. I've let men use me, and I, in return, used every man I could, for fun and maybe yes, perhaps even revenge. I've been raped, physically abused, sexually assaulted, humiliated and shamed. The truth is, I burned every bridge with everyone I knew, ruined the only solid friendship I've ever had with my best friend of 15 years, screwed everyone in my life over, abandoned my four innocent children, all for what? Just to get high? One entire year I had been arrested at least once every month, for 12 months in a row. I lost complete control over my life and I'm lucky that I'm even alive today to tell you about it. That's the truth. I wasn't going to stop. I had no reason to stop. I had no reason to live. I lived to use and used to live, exactly what it says in the NA program. Every single day was about getting, selling and using. Everything was surrounded by drugs, I had lost all control and drugs controlled me and my entire life.
© Andi Miller