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Waste
You are nothing. You are worth nothing. You will never accomplish anything. If the world ended today not one person would ever know your name. Pathetic.
Those are the words people have said to me all my life. Teachers, pupils, parents, siblings, employees. At no point in my life can I think of a single kind word said to me. Yet I go on. Pushing through the mud of life. Pushing on through the fear of living. Fighting against the bigger fear of death. Killing myself was an option but fear stopped me from following through with it. Fear is the only reason my heart still beats and my lungs draw in air. Alone is the way I walk through life. No one to talk to crippled by loneliness but unable to make a friend. Still, I live praying for a way to end it all or having my life ended.
Another day of being beaten by life and I'm sat in the dark of my house. Looking at five full bottles of pills. A bottle of vodka by their side. No note written for anyone to read. For there is no one to read it.
With tears filling my eyes and hands shaking I pour a glass of vodka. Mixing nothing with it to take away the foul taste. I don't bother to put the cap on the bottle and start to drink. As the liquid burns on its way down I take the pills and shake one out of the bottle. With a flat palm, I slap my mouth tossing the pill to the back of my mouth. Taking another drink to wash it down. My drink was nearly empty so I topped it up and shook out another pill and took it. I didn't have any music playing or the TV on. I didn't want to upset the neighbors with unnecessary noise. They will be pleased when I'm gone as well probably. Not that we had ever spoken. I go to take another pill when there is a loud bangging on my door. The sound shocked me so much I missed my mouth with the pill and it shot over my shoulder.
Puzzled I sat for a moment waiting to see if the knocking came again. All was silent. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to go and see if there was anyone at my door. Before I had got to my feet I heard screaming coming from outside. A woman's scream. I should go but that would probably get me hurt or even killed and no good would come from it. For the first time in my life, a rage came over me at my own powerlessness. At that moment I pushed myself up and marched to the door briskly.
Swinging the door open I saw nothing. Just an empty dark street. There was no sign of anyone. No woman or girl. No would-be attackers. Hell, there wasn't even a cat to be seen. Then I noticed the street lights were out and all the houses were in blackness. There must be a power cut and due to the time of night, no one had noticed. Seeing that all looked good outside I went back to my table and sat. Taking pills and drinking until I had accomplished my goal. Maybe this time I will achieve something. My eyes grew heavy and I knew no more.
Light burned my eyes and my alarm clock beeped annoyingly. I slapped it knocking it off. No headache or dry mouth that there should have been after a night of drinking like that. Humm that was different. I went down stairs and saw no sign of what I had been doing last night. My house looked like it had the day before. There was no sign that I had tried to end it all. I turned on the TV and the news looked familiar in fact it wasn't just familiar but it was the same as the day before. How could this be. Had I just imagined it all. Have I dreamed it all. It is possible but I didn't think so. I was going to go through my day and see what happened. See if there was any more coincidences. This was by far the strangest thing to have happened to me so far in my bleak and mundane life.
Those are the words people have said to me all my life. Teachers, pupils, parents, siblings, employees. At no point in my life can I think of a single kind word said to me. Yet I go on. Pushing through the mud of life. Pushing on through the fear of living. Fighting against the bigger fear of death. Killing myself was an option but fear stopped me from following through with it. Fear is the only reason my heart still beats and my lungs draw in air. Alone is the way I walk through life. No one to talk to crippled by loneliness but unable to make a friend. Still, I live praying for a way to end it all or having my life ended.
Another day of being beaten by life and I'm sat in the dark of my house. Looking at five full bottles of pills. A bottle of vodka by their side. No note written for anyone to read. For there is no one to read it.
With tears filling my eyes and hands shaking I pour a glass of vodka. Mixing nothing with it to take away the foul taste. I don't bother to put the cap on the bottle and start to drink. As the liquid burns on its way down I take the pills and shake one out of the bottle. With a flat palm, I slap my mouth tossing the pill to the back of my mouth. Taking another drink to wash it down. My drink was nearly empty so I topped it up and shook out another pill and took it. I didn't have any music playing or the TV on. I didn't want to upset the neighbors with unnecessary noise. They will be pleased when I'm gone as well probably. Not that we had ever spoken. I go to take another pill when there is a loud bangging on my door. The sound shocked me so much I missed my mouth with the pill and it shot over my shoulder.
Puzzled I sat for a moment waiting to see if the knocking came again. All was silent. Curiosity got the better of me and I had to go and see if there was anyone at my door. Before I had got to my feet I heard screaming coming from outside. A woman's scream. I should go but that would probably get me hurt or even killed and no good would come from it. For the first time in my life, a rage came over me at my own powerlessness. At that moment I pushed myself up and marched to the door briskly.
Swinging the door open I saw nothing. Just an empty dark street. There was no sign of anyone. No woman or girl. No would-be attackers. Hell, there wasn't even a cat to be seen. Then I noticed the street lights were out and all the houses were in blackness. There must be a power cut and due to the time of night, no one had noticed. Seeing that all looked good outside I went back to my table and sat. Taking pills and drinking until I had accomplished my goal. Maybe this time I will achieve something. My eyes grew heavy and I knew no more.
Light burned my eyes and my alarm clock beeped annoyingly. I slapped it knocking it off. No headache or dry mouth that there should have been after a night of drinking like that. Humm that was different. I went down stairs and saw no sign of what I had been doing last night. My house looked like it had the day before. There was no sign that I had tried to end it all. I turned on the TV and the news looked familiar in fact it wasn't just familiar but it was the same as the day before. How could this be. Had I just imagined it all. Have I dreamed it all. It is possible but I didn't think so. I was going to go through my day and see what happened. See if there was any more coincidences. This was by far the strangest thing to have happened to me so far in my bleak and mundane life.
