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Diary Thoughts
I dont know why I'm doing this, but I am. I needed to get thoughts out and I guess I'm putting it here. A bit of my story. Just a bit. I had been fired from a job I'd wanted for a year this year. After only a month of having it. Because of health issues I was already having. Then 2 months later, injured my knee so badly, I still can't walk. In the middle of trying to fix that, I've been trying to find jobs, my insurance ended up expiring, and my grandfather had gone to the hospital for very serious, life threatening health issues. Just this year so far.
Ever since being fired from the other job I'd worked out, I still remember how distraught I was about that.
I'd spent most of last year wishing I could have worked at that place. So losing it that fast, was heartbreaking and crushed me a lot. And I isolated after that. I'd also started writing again though. Writing on poetizer after not writing for over 2 years. Other not happy life stuff had happened between that time, but I won't bore you with that. I know I tend to stick more to myself. I get scared of people. I really do. I know that has a lot to do with past trauma and all. I tried therapy for 8 years of my life. From age 14-21 and it was awful. It was a nightmare. And ever since then I've really been in survival mode. I felt completely and entirely alone.
Nobody around me would really truly help or care or listen. I'd developed panic disorder, have scizoaffective bipolar, and I get so anxious I either have a panic attack or faint. I don't know exactpy why my life has been like this. And I wish I did know. I wish I knew everything in my life. I wish I knew what my future truly looked like. I wish I could redo most of the past. I wish I'd never lived through the stuff I did in the past. I wish everything could be okay. And I truly wish the world was more filled with peace and with love. I wish I was better with connections. I hate that I'm not that great with it. I guess I have a ton of healing to do still. I don't know if healing ever truly stops.
You'd think after all the therapy I've been through that I'd be okay by now. At 24, you'd think I'd have everything together. I thought I would. I tried my very very best to do that. It kept seeming like plans that I had wouldn't really work in the past. Recently, my plans for my life are a bit better. Not quite there though. But almost. And that counts for something. It's progess and that's a good thing. I always believed that no matter what, we are always still moving forward. Life goes on, and we are always making progress somehow, in some way. And I'd learned throughout the past couple years now that things may take time. I've never been too great with patience either I suppose. But I've had to be. I've had to, I guess, become a different version of who I used to be. The scared little girl who went through wayy too much.
I'm still scared if I'm honest. I do worry about the future. I do wish I wouldn't at the same time. It does get bothersome. I just always want stuff to be okay and I know not everything is always happy. But with the amount of unhappy things I've gone through in life so far, I guess I just wish that more things were okay. I guess I just want more happy than bad. I don't fear changes. Not change itself. But I'd feel better with happier changes you know? After everything I've been through most of my life so far, I just want more happier changes.
I want to get myself out of the survival mode I was trapped in. The deer in headlights mode that made me freeze anytime there was a conflict or confrontation. I always seem to want to escape that. So much so that I completely isolate. That I get so scared around others, and what they could do to me, that I freeze and just... run away. Hide. And cower. Like the scared girl I was. I never learned how to be okay. Not even the slightest idea. I keep wanting to be. I really do. And sometimes I wonder if it's my disorders or if it's just me. Is it because of my disorders? Or is it honestly just me? Within those 8 years of therapy, you'd think I'd of figured that out by now too. I wish I had. And this is why my poetry tends to be about sadness, but finding hope at the same time. I believe in hope. I believe that hope is the strongest thing we have next to faith and love. Even throughout everything in my life, I never lost hope. I still haven't. One day, I may not know when, but one day, I believe it really will be okay.
Kind of wish I knew how or when, but I'd suggest never doing that to yourself. Kind of ruins your sanity just a little.
No matter what though, progress is progress, and it's okay if things don't always go the way we plan. Sometimes, they so still happen though. And I am always going to be grateful for any and all good things in my life. I may have also absolutely hated how my past was, but right now, I'm getting there. There's progress. There's healing. And there's gratitude. And I'll be okay. I really do always wish the best for everyone. I know how it feels to be so deeply hurt and burdened by life. It never feels easy. But there are people out there that care. There are good people who understand and care. That, I promise is true. Everyone goes through bad in life. Everyone deals with the amount of pain they go through differently. And no matter how someone deals with it, or how long they take to deal with it, they still matter. Every human soul on this earth matters. And always will. Our paths and journeys look different. And nobody ever truly knows what another person is going through. Until we really talk and listen to them. Hear their story and put ourselves in their shoes.
Some may not understand fully, but kindness truly does go such a long way. And if anyone hasn't said it today, I'm proud of you and it'll be okay.
You got this, keep going 🤍
© Sierra321
Ever since being fired from the other job I'd worked out, I still remember how distraught I was about that.
I'd spent most of last year wishing I could have worked at that place. So losing it that fast, was heartbreaking and crushed me a lot. And I isolated after that. I'd also started writing again though. Writing on poetizer after not writing for over 2 years. Other not happy life stuff had happened between that time, but I won't bore you with that. I know I tend to stick more to myself. I get scared of people. I really do. I know that has a lot to do with past trauma and all. I tried therapy for 8 years of my life. From age 14-21 and it was awful. It was a nightmare. And ever since then I've really been in survival mode. I felt completely and entirely alone.
Nobody around me would really truly help or care or listen. I'd developed panic disorder, have scizoaffective bipolar, and I get so anxious I either have a panic attack or faint. I don't know exactpy why my life has been like this. And I wish I did know. I wish I knew everything in my life. I wish I knew what my future truly looked like. I wish I could redo most of the past. I wish I'd never lived through the stuff I did in the past. I wish everything could be okay. And I truly wish the world was more filled with peace and with love. I wish I was better with connections. I hate that I'm not that great with it. I guess I have a ton of healing to do still. I don't know if healing ever truly stops.
You'd think after all the therapy I've been through that I'd be okay by now. At 24, you'd think I'd have everything together. I thought I would. I tried my very very best to do that. It kept seeming like plans that I had wouldn't really work in the past. Recently, my plans for my life are a bit better. Not quite there though. But almost. And that counts for something. It's progess and that's a good thing. I always believed that no matter what, we are always still moving forward. Life goes on, and we are always making progress somehow, in some way. And I'd learned throughout the past couple years now that things may take time. I've never been too great with patience either I suppose. But I've had to be. I've had to, I guess, become a different version of who I used to be. The scared little girl who went through wayy too much.
I'm still scared if I'm honest. I do worry about the future. I do wish I wouldn't at the same time. It does get bothersome. I just always want stuff to be okay and I know not everything is always happy. But with the amount of unhappy things I've gone through in life so far, I guess I just wish that more things were okay. I guess I just want more happy than bad. I don't fear changes. Not change itself. But I'd feel better with happier changes you know? After everything I've been through most of my life so far, I just want more happier changes.
I want to get myself out of the survival mode I was trapped in. The deer in headlights mode that made me freeze anytime there was a conflict or confrontation. I always seem to want to escape that. So much so that I completely isolate. That I get so scared around others, and what they could do to me, that I freeze and just... run away. Hide. And cower. Like the scared girl I was. I never learned how to be okay. Not even the slightest idea. I keep wanting to be. I really do. And sometimes I wonder if it's my disorders or if it's just me. Is it because of my disorders? Or is it honestly just me? Within those 8 years of therapy, you'd think I'd of figured that out by now too. I wish I had. And this is why my poetry tends to be about sadness, but finding hope at the same time. I believe in hope. I believe that hope is the strongest thing we have next to faith and love. Even throughout everything in my life, I never lost hope. I still haven't. One day, I may not know when, but one day, I believe it really will be okay.
Kind of wish I knew how or when, but I'd suggest never doing that to yourself. Kind of ruins your sanity just a little.
No matter what though, progress is progress, and it's okay if things don't always go the way we plan. Sometimes, they so still happen though. And I am always going to be grateful for any and all good things in my life. I may have also absolutely hated how my past was, but right now, I'm getting there. There's progress. There's healing. And there's gratitude. And I'll be okay. I really do always wish the best for everyone. I know how it feels to be so deeply hurt and burdened by life. It never feels easy. But there are people out there that care. There are good people who understand and care. That, I promise is true. Everyone goes through bad in life. Everyone deals with the amount of pain they go through differently. And no matter how someone deals with it, or how long they take to deal with it, they still matter. Every human soul on this earth matters. And always will. Our paths and journeys look different. And nobody ever truly knows what another person is going through. Until we really talk and listen to them. Hear their story and put ourselves in their shoes.
Some may not understand fully, but kindness truly does go such a long way. And if anyone hasn't said it today, I'm proud of you and it'll be okay.
You got this, keep going 🤍
© Sierra321
