unrevised version (did not read this after wrote, I felt it, I wrote it)

one thing about me
is that, I never seemed to understand,
when people said "bad habits, are hard to break"
and "good habits, are hard to come by"
like when I was little, 7 or 8 I mixed all of my foods
and I was always so messy with it,
stuff on my hands, face, arms, even the floor
iv never seemed to learn,
8 years later, the habit stayed
I remember, always getting yelled at,
"don't mix the food"
"stop playing with your damn food and just eat it"
"stop using your hands"
"your so messy
"why can't you ever be clean"
they, the words, echoes around my head, even now
habits are hard to break
and
good habits are hard to come by,
so what happeneds,
when your family is trying to push better habits on to you,
while having their bad habits?
we learn to lie,
we lie to live
we learn to be hypocritical
and how to pretend we aren't
life is not so simple,
there's curves,
and bumps,
and hills, and clifts, and Corners,
and walls and mountains, and valleys,
rivers, lakes, ponds, and holes,
and volcanos and everything possible,
filed with emotions
emotions that can't only boil down to, at the end-anger
and we learn these habits, good or bad, from those around us
yes they say, be better, do this, do that
do they realize they are being hypocritical?
do they realize we were not born this way?
no matter what, you always see something, then learn something,
good
or
bad
whether you want to - or don't
and even oceans can't help hide these habits
nor will tsunamis
what's trying to be said here-habits hurt
and hurt and hurt and hurt
so so bad
we attempt to change, we see better habits,
we try to live and learn
we try to leave bad habits behind
but really? do they ever leave?
sometimes I find myself Wondering-could it have been different?
having someone else to raise you?
someone who when they put their hand up, they don't make you flinch?
or anytime they see you, no matter what they are nice to you, instead of someone who, when they see you
even when you are in a happy mood -
you got a good grade on your test,
you learned something new and exciting,
and your being completely nice and kind
they somehow make you feel Terrible about yourself ?
but no mater what they do, they are blood
and blood has to stay together, right?
even if you cry yourself to bed almost every night
even if you have cut yourself on both legs and arm, stomach, ankle,
or even if you take boiling hot showers,
or when doing the dishes you hold your hands under hot water till they are red,
or even if you burn yourself with a lighter,
they are blood,
so even if they may not know any of this has happened,
you are expected to love them, and treat them kindly, right?
doesn't mater if you turned to substance abuse when you were 12, but they only found out when you were 14,
and she,
your mother,
scared you just enough to stop,
by screaming,
yelling,
cussing,
and throwing things,
just enough to stop
like I said-
bad habits are hard to break
and it didn't go away
6 months is the time
enough time for shit to get so bad
I needed to forget,
forget everything
7 months is the time,
the time that I started being high everyday
having more then 20 tardy in the 1st month of school
but no-"I'm fine"
but except
I'm not
weed is my water
and nicotine is my food
bad habits are hard to break
but you know what is harder to break?
a girls will to live, but congrats
you did it, successfully
I hope your proud
mother...
© Æ.Ю