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The Shadow
It was a subtle shift in her being.
And that was to be the first of many signs.
Perhaps signs is not the right word...
Perhaps...experiences is better.
For each time it came to pass,
the experience was not at all like merely observing something inanimate
such as a sign or symbol,
and gleening some fact or directive.
No...not like that at all.
Each experience was...
Living.
As if dimensions had somehow gathered to commune with with one another...
And with her.
Perhaps it is best to describe these experiences by what they did for her...
In the end it would to be everything she needed.
They were subtle at first. Having little effect on her world around her.
Thats why she would ignore them...at first.
But soon she realized that she may never be able to forget them,
and that it was because she had refused them too often that she now did not know them.
These experiences...
These shifts...
Dimensions...
They were a part of her.
They had been lost but not forgotten.
So, maybe thats why she took them to be mere signs?
She was the bravest woman I'd ever met.
An open hearted and open minded lady with a dedication to family and community that defined loyalty and epitomized lovingkindness.
In the face of horrific traumas, tragic abandonments, and hopeless depressions,
she maintained her dignity and kept her vows.
She had never hidden from the world and the demands of her life.
She had never neglected her duties to any family member or friend.
She was not a scared person.
Viligant, maybe. Maybe even hyper vigilant to a degree at times, but never really scared.
But over time, the signs were no longer as subtle.
A subtle and inconsequential shift in being had become frequently more intense and more random.
And more personal.
A simple thing or sound might trigger her.
Like a child's cries heard far off, or the particular glow of a streetlight passing through fog and rain.
She could not deny that she was being approached, beseeched, and beckoned.
By what? By whom?
She dare not ask why.
One night she lay in her bed alone looking at the ceiling and thinking of the stars beyond.
And she thought if she could reach one and speak with it...
What would it say?
That night she had not realized it,
but she had been heading purposefully toward another experience...
The most powerful experience ever...
One that would change everything.
It happened quickly and suddenly, as she lay asking herself what might a star say if she spoke with one.
Sighing in sadness she thought,
No it was foolish to think.
She was alone in this place.
The moment she had finished her thought, a thick, heavy darkness enveloped her peripheral view leaving a dim window of light.
And she heard...no she saw...no she...felt?
She heard/saw/felt... Something.
It was too much to comprehend at first but finally she gathered her resolve and focused.
Then she finally acknowledged it.
She acknowledged a Voice.
"I am with you Beloved."
And though she hadnt heard it audibly she knew that it was answering her inquiry of the star and challenging her claim of being alone.
But she hadnt even spoken aloud...
How?
Again in response to her thought, she heard her name and the promise,
"I am with you, Beloved."
The Voice knew her name.
It knew her soul.
It knew her favorite people and things...
It knew her.
All of her...
All her happiest moments and best dreams, even the most trivial memories of childhood play.
The Voice was firm, clear, but soothing.
She lay still afraid it might suddenly be gone.
It soon filled the window of light left in her view of the ceiling with a Presence.
It was in response to her thought of it leaving her.
She was overwhelmed with a gratitude that needed no words and had none to match it.
When she caught her breath she whispered,
"Thank you."
The Presence seemed to cradle her affectionately in perfect harmony with the Voice.
Somehow the Presence moved independant of the Voice, traveling throughout her being yet she didnt so much feel it like something on skin or under tissue,
but she heard it audibly as if listening to her heartbeat.
The Presence filled the room while the Voice remain fixed somewhere within her...
Closer than her own breath...
So close her ears could not reach it but she felt it...
Each word and its meaning precise and articulate.
Then the Voice she felt and the Presence she heard both abruptly stopped.
They did not vanish, but stopped.
And in the sudden stillness she no longer felt
the Voices words.
She strained to focus and could not hear the energy and intention of the Presence.
But she knew with deep grave conviction that They were still with her.
So she closed her eyes for a breath and opened them to see the darkness had begun to fade.
The air no longer thick with it.
The small window of light on the ceiling had become less a window and more of a hallway.
Strange...
It looked like daylight...
But was night time...
It seemed as if a hole replaced the window to give a view through the ceiling, directly at the noonday sun outside.
She looked at her bedside clock hoping to see that it was indeed daytime and she'd dozed off in half sleep into a half dream...
The clock read 2:32 am.
It was dark outside beyond that ceiling...
So what was it?
She looked back to the ceiling.
The hallway of sunlight that had filled the small window of lamplight had been overcome
and now shadowed a Living Light...
Even brighter than the sunlight
and deeper than the previous darkness.
Yet not blinding or hot.
A sudden and crippling foreboding took hold of her.
If the Presence's power had been air to her lungs,
well, then this was a vacuum ripping the air away from her.
Thats the only way she could comprehend it.
It was not just light but the Life of all Light.
She screamed...nothing came out.
She kept screaming and still nothing...
Not breath, not sound, not pulse...
Nothing.
She was beyond terrified and yet even more in awestruck, childlike wonder.
She blinked.
One blink.
That's it. Just once.
The ceiling was back to normal.
The room awash in an amber glow.
All was as if nothing had ever taken place.
But something had taken place.
Something was still taking place.
She realized with a jolt of clarity...
The Light!
It didn't blind her because she saw it not with her eyes, but with her soul.
She stopped screaming and her breath came back, as did the sound of it.
Such a strange sound and feeling after the magnificence of the Voice and the Presence.
Why was she shaking?
And why were her eyes so hot and blurred?
She was weeping.
Weeping as only a widow weeps, or a mother in labor.
It was somehow a blend of both.
She had wondered what It was for a lifetime.
She had pondered how It came to be.
She had even thought of where It came into her life at and Who this led to.
But she never did so until it had passed having been ignored, unnoticed, and rejected.
So she never got close to any answer.
Now she had no answers and one more frightening question...
Why?
Why the signs?
Why her?
Why was she weeping?
Why? Why? Why?
And just like that, all at once,
as if They had been waiting an eternity for this moment,
The Voice, the Presence, and the Light were not only returned but were all in a powerful union and rhythm and harmony that suggested she had been the one who was absent in those minutes.
As one glorious Being, as a Person...
It was now Alive and now Them...
And They were not just alive but Living...
Living and Eternal.
The room had not been effected this time.
In fact the room or the world outside had not ever been effected at all that night.
It was she who had returned to her familiar normal state.
They were there waiting for her.
Longing for her.
'Why?'
"Be Still"
The Light began to shift within her.
'Why?'
"Remember your First Love"
The Presence had become deafening
Why?
"Let go."
I cant! I wont!
The Voice was now heavier than gravity.
"You must. I am with you."
No! No! No!
"You must go within. Come to Me. I will give you peace. I will never forsake you. But you must trust in Me."
Why?! Why?! Why?!
Pleading both for answers and a pardon,
she was torn between wanting to flee
and hide from Who she knew now They would take her to,
and a desperation to stay with Them.
Why?
"You know why. To remember. To let go."
I'm so sorry. I'm afraid. I'm lost. I'm so weary.
"I know. Come to Me. I will give you strength, wisdom, courage, and rest."
She thought about how the Voice earlier had known all her memories and thoughts and dreams.
She recalled how the joy and hope in her life had been somehow shared and even made complete as she acknowledged the Voice for the first time.
And she knew now that They were all One... Voice, Presence, Light.
Each holding her in Perfect Love.
They always had.
But now the Voice acknowledged her waiting to share and know all that she had suffered and caused.
All that was wrong in her heart, her mind, her soul.
All that she had hidden and hidden from.
The Voice reached out...
She remained hidden, refusing to feel its comfort.
The Presence moved to her and about her and through her...
She remained hidden, ignoring the healing sound of its embrace.
The Light quivered within her and slowly began to fade...
She remained hidden, unwillingly to trust in its Power.
They all at once were gone...
She could hide no more.
She had ran as far as she could.
She had hidden far too long.
She was in Total Darkness.
Alone.
In the Silence and Darkness
She began to see, hear, feel, and know in her soul that something...
Someone was with her.
She was alone with this Someone.
She began to cry out.
Not screaming in terror at its magnificence, but crying out in sorrow and remorse at its grief.
This dark figure Who was alive but not like Them.
This... Shadow of all They were.
This...Shadow.
This Shadow had been Who she was hiding from all along.
This figure that existed in the Darkness of her heart and her mind...
It was the Keeper of her every sin, regret, and fear.
When she hid from her pain and her anguish...
When she denied her rage and her pride...
When she rejected her own forgiveness and grace...
She was keeping her Shadow bound to her.
She looked into the abysmal darkness and into the face of the Shadow.
She saw many faces there.
Some were familiar, some beloved, some hated and despised, some forgotten, and some almost forgiven...
She took a breath and recalled the Word of Truth
Spoken to her moments earlier that night
(or eternities for all she could tell).
Be still.
I am with you.
I will not forsake you.
I will give you strength, courage, and rest.
Let go.
Come to Me.
Trust in Me.
You know why.
Remember your First Love.
She step forward without a hint of uncertainty
And said aloud,
now confident and able to trust her own breath,
"Here I am. I will not hide anymore."
"I am here to set you free."
"You are not the Keeper of my sins, sufferings, sorrows, traumas, resentments or Fears."
"You are but Shadow;
Casted and kept in the Darkness as a reflection of my Fear."
"I forgive You. I release You into my Light."
She took a finally step forward and eyes closed embraced the Shadow and kissed its cheek.
She held it in her arms.
She saw in her heart, mind, and soul...
She beheld the Face being hidden in the Shadow.
It was her own reflection...
But it was not her true Face...
It was the distorted and corrupted version of her true image and likeness...
It was the result of neglected Light.
A Light no longer hidden from.
A Darkness no longer denied.
A Presence no longer ignored.
A Shadow no longer to be feared.
A Voice no longer shove away.
A beautiful Love and Life.
Restored. Reborn. Resurrected.
She was no longer the woman I knew;
The silent sufferer with unseen and untold woes.
That woman had died that night.
She was now still every bit herself still the woman that we loved...
And so much more.
So much more because now she was every bit the woman that SHE loved.
And I will forever be grateful for her.
The One whose name I keep written in my Book of Life...
It all started with a subtle shift in being.
A.F. Kindred 07/22/2020
© A.F. Kindred 2020
And that was to be the first of many signs.
Perhaps signs is not the right word...
Perhaps...experiences is better.
For each time it came to pass,
the experience was not at all like merely observing something inanimate
such as a sign or symbol,
and gleening some fact or directive.
No...not like that at all.
Each experience was...
Living.
As if dimensions had somehow gathered to commune with with one another...
And with her.
Perhaps it is best to describe these experiences by what they did for her...
In the end it would to be everything she needed.
They were subtle at first. Having little effect on her world around her.
Thats why she would ignore them...at first.
But soon she realized that she may never be able to forget them,
and that it was because she had refused them too often that she now did not know them.
These experiences...
These shifts...
Dimensions...
They were a part of her.
They had been lost but not forgotten.
So, maybe thats why she took them to be mere signs?
She was the bravest woman I'd ever met.
An open hearted and open minded lady with a dedication to family and community that defined loyalty and epitomized lovingkindness.
In the face of horrific traumas, tragic abandonments, and hopeless depressions,
she maintained her dignity and kept her vows.
She had never hidden from the world and the demands of her life.
She had never neglected her duties to any family member or friend.
She was not a scared person.
Viligant, maybe. Maybe even hyper vigilant to a degree at times, but never really scared.
But over time, the signs were no longer as subtle.
A subtle and inconsequential shift in being had become frequently more intense and more random.
And more personal.
A simple thing or sound might trigger her.
Like a child's cries heard far off, or the particular glow of a streetlight passing through fog and rain.
She could not deny that she was being approached, beseeched, and beckoned.
By what? By whom?
She dare not ask why.
One night she lay in her bed alone looking at the ceiling and thinking of the stars beyond.
And she thought if she could reach one and speak with it...
What would it say?
That night she had not realized it,
but she had been heading purposefully toward another experience...
The most powerful experience ever...
One that would change everything.
It happened quickly and suddenly, as she lay asking herself what might a star say if she spoke with one.
Sighing in sadness she thought,
No it was foolish to think.
She was alone in this place.
The moment she had finished her thought, a thick, heavy darkness enveloped her peripheral view leaving a dim window of light.
And she heard...no she saw...no she...felt?
She heard/saw/felt... Something.
It was too much to comprehend at first but finally she gathered her resolve and focused.
Then she finally acknowledged it.
She acknowledged a Voice.
"I am with you Beloved."
And though she hadnt heard it audibly she knew that it was answering her inquiry of the star and challenging her claim of being alone.
But she hadnt even spoken aloud...
How?
Again in response to her thought, she heard her name and the promise,
"I am with you, Beloved."
The Voice knew her name.
It knew her soul.
It knew her favorite people and things...
It knew her.
All of her...
All her happiest moments and best dreams, even the most trivial memories of childhood play.
The Voice was firm, clear, but soothing.
She lay still afraid it might suddenly be gone.
It soon filled the window of light left in her view of the ceiling with a Presence.
It was in response to her thought of it leaving her.
She was overwhelmed with a gratitude that needed no words and had none to match it.
When she caught her breath she whispered,
"Thank you."
The Presence seemed to cradle her affectionately in perfect harmony with the Voice.
Somehow the Presence moved independant of the Voice, traveling throughout her being yet she didnt so much feel it like something on skin or under tissue,
but she heard it audibly as if listening to her heartbeat.
The Presence filled the room while the Voice remain fixed somewhere within her...
Closer than her own breath...
So close her ears could not reach it but she felt it...
Each word and its meaning precise and articulate.
Then the Voice she felt and the Presence she heard both abruptly stopped.
They did not vanish, but stopped.
And in the sudden stillness she no longer felt
the Voices words.
She strained to focus and could not hear the energy and intention of the Presence.
But she knew with deep grave conviction that They were still with her.
So she closed her eyes for a breath and opened them to see the darkness had begun to fade.
The air no longer thick with it.
The small window of light on the ceiling had become less a window and more of a hallway.
Strange...
It looked like daylight...
But was night time...
It seemed as if a hole replaced the window to give a view through the ceiling, directly at the noonday sun outside.
She looked at her bedside clock hoping to see that it was indeed daytime and she'd dozed off in half sleep into a half dream...
The clock read 2:32 am.
It was dark outside beyond that ceiling...
So what was it?
She looked back to the ceiling.
The hallway of sunlight that had filled the small window of lamplight had been overcome
and now shadowed a Living Light...
Even brighter than the sunlight
and deeper than the previous darkness.
Yet not blinding or hot.
A sudden and crippling foreboding took hold of her.
If the Presence's power had been air to her lungs,
well, then this was a vacuum ripping the air away from her.
Thats the only way she could comprehend it.
It was not just light but the Life of all Light.
She screamed...nothing came out.
She kept screaming and still nothing...
Not breath, not sound, not pulse...
Nothing.
She was beyond terrified and yet even more in awestruck, childlike wonder.
She blinked.
One blink.
That's it. Just once.
The ceiling was back to normal.
The room awash in an amber glow.
All was as if nothing had ever taken place.
But something had taken place.
Something was still taking place.
She realized with a jolt of clarity...
The Light!
It didn't blind her because she saw it not with her eyes, but with her soul.
She stopped screaming and her breath came back, as did the sound of it.
Such a strange sound and feeling after the magnificence of the Voice and the Presence.
Why was she shaking?
And why were her eyes so hot and blurred?
She was weeping.
Weeping as only a widow weeps, or a mother in labor.
It was somehow a blend of both.
She had wondered what It was for a lifetime.
She had pondered how It came to be.
She had even thought of where It came into her life at and Who this led to.
But she never did so until it had passed having been ignored, unnoticed, and rejected.
So she never got close to any answer.
Now she had no answers and one more frightening question...
Why?
Why the signs?
Why her?
Why was she weeping?
Why? Why? Why?
And just like that, all at once,
as if They had been waiting an eternity for this moment,
The Voice, the Presence, and the Light were not only returned but were all in a powerful union and rhythm and harmony that suggested she had been the one who was absent in those minutes.
As one glorious Being, as a Person...
It was now Alive and now Them...
And They were not just alive but Living...
Living and Eternal.
The room had not been effected this time.
In fact the room or the world outside had not ever been effected at all that night.
It was she who had returned to her familiar normal state.
They were there waiting for her.
Longing for her.
'Why?'
"Be Still"
The Light began to shift within her.
'Why?'
"Remember your First Love"
The Presence had become deafening
Why?
"Let go."
I cant! I wont!
The Voice was now heavier than gravity.
"You must. I am with you."
No! No! No!
"You must go within. Come to Me. I will give you peace. I will never forsake you. But you must trust in Me."
Why?! Why?! Why?!
Pleading both for answers and a pardon,
she was torn between wanting to flee
and hide from Who she knew now They would take her to,
and a desperation to stay with Them.
Why?
"You know why. To remember. To let go."
I'm so sorry. I'm afraid. I'm lost. I'm so weary.
"I know. Come to Me. I will give you strength, wisdom, courage, and rest."
She thought about how the Voice earlier had known all her memories and thoughts and dreams.
She recalled how the joy and hope in her life had been somehow shared and even made complete as she acknowledged the Voice for the first time.
And she knew now that They were all One... Voice, Presence, Light.
Each holding her in Perfect Love.
They always had.
But now the Voice acknowledged her waiting to share and know all that she had suffered and caused.
All that was wrong in her heart, her mind, her soul.
All that she had hidden and hidden from.
The Voice reached out...
She remained hidden, refusing to feel its comfort.
The Presence moved to her and about her and through her...
She remained hidden, ignoring the healing sound of its embrace.
The Light quivered within her and slowly began to fade...
She remained hidden, unwillingly to trust in its Power.
They all at once were gone...
She could hide no more.
She had ran as far as she could.
She had hidden far too long.
She was in Total Darkness.
Alone.
In the Silence and Darkness
She began to see, hear, feel, and know in her soul that something...
Someone was with her.
She was alone with this Someone.
She began to cry out.
Not screaming in terror at its magnificence, but crying out in sorrow and remorse at its grief.
This dark figure Who was alive but not like Them.
This... Shadow of all They were.
This...Shadow.
This Shadow had been Who she was hiding from all along.
This figure that existed in the Darkness of her heart and her mind...
It was the Keeper of her every sin, regret, and fear.
When she hid from her pain and her anguish...
When she denied her rage and her pride...
When she rejected her own forgiveness and grace...
She was keeping her Shadow bound to her.
She looked into the abysmal darkness and into the face of the Shadow.
She saw many faces there.
Some were familiar, some beloved, some hated and despised, some forgotten, and some almost forgiven...
She took a breath and recalled the Word of Truth
Spoken to her moments earlier that night
(or eternities for all she could tell).
Be still.
I am with you.
I will not forsake you.
I will give you strength, courage, and rest.
Let go.
Come to Me.
Trust in Me.
You know why.
Remember your First Love.
She step forward without a hint of uncertainty
And said aloud,
now confident and able to trust her own breath,
"Here I am. I will not hide anymore."
"I am here to set you free."
"You are not the Keeper of my sins, sufferings, sorrows, traumas, resentments or Fears."
"You are but Shadow;
Casted and kept in the Darkness as a reflection of my Fear."
"I forgive You. I release You into my Light."
She took a finally step forward and eyes closed embraced the Shadow and kissed its cheek.
She held it in her arms.
She saw in her heart, mind, and soul...
She beheld the Face being hidden in the Shadow.
It was her own reflection...
But it was not her true Face...
It was the distorted and corrupted version of her true image and likeness...
It was the result of neglected Light.
A Light no longer hidden from.
A Darkness no longer denied.
A Presence no longer ignored.
A Shadow no longer to be feared.
A Voice no longer shove away.
A beautiful Love and Life.
Restored. Reborn. Resurrected.
She was no longer the woman I knew;
The silent sufferer with unseen and untold woes.
That woman had died that night.
She was now still every bit herself still the woman that we loved...
And so much more.
So much more because now she was every bit the woman that SHE loved.
And I will forever be grateful for her.
The One whose name I keep written in my Book of Life...
It all started with a subtle shift in being.
A.F. Kindred 07/22/2020
© A.F. Kindred 2020
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