I have heard stories from people have gone through things that most people would that they shouldn't have gone through. There would be some kind of pity or sympathy when I hear these stories and I oftened ask myself I wondered what's that like? Well now I know what's like because I'd through it, so I don't have to wonder anymore. It probably wasn't a good thing wonder about that was the universe way of telling me things. Maybe by living through all the things I'd wondered was the powers at be saying you need to empathise not pity or sympathize with them. Makes me feel as if I am being punished for curiosity. Well people say that curiousity killed the cat. Maybe that is what's happening to me, I'm the cat prefer Black or Siamese and because I was curious I am living it. Wondering, isn't killing me so I'd really need the whole cats have nine-lives things, but that doesn't that living the wondering doesn't hurt. Things I used to wonder about going to different schools almost every year(that was more a goal I had in Elementary school, weird goal I know). But, now I know what's it like to go to different schools a constant basis and I'll admit, it sucks, don't know what I was thinking when I made that goal. I was seven or eight at the time so you gotta me some slack or a little slack, ok? Then, I used wonder about being single-parented because so many people I knew and met over the years were single-parented and they turned out alright. I thought living with my dad full time was better than doing Jointed-custody with mom. Now, I know what single-parenting is like, and at first, it was really hard and I didn't take the transition well neither did my dad and there were times where I missed my mom, but I didn't have a choice for safety and health reasons. Now, after ten plus years I finally understand and while there are people out who have been raised by wonderful single parents. Me on the otherhand, not so much, I've been trying to decide whether I was better off in jointed-custody or single parented. According to my sister was better off being single parented than jointed custody. But, my dad is so hard to live with and turns your inside out all the time. Because living with dad has been a totally nightmare, I have often wondered and imaged what my life would be like if had lived with my sister which I originally wanted to do because I knew my dad was hard and difficult to live just from going there on weekends, but that wonder is just a figment of my imagination. However, I did just recently find out that if my sister knew how bad things were at my dad's she would have taken me in. So, wondering what life or what my life could've been if I had said something earlier then all that wondering could have or would have been a reality. But I was scared of having another parent taken away from me and being put into the system because my sister said told me before driving me down to Eugene to live with my father that she wasn't ready and didn't want to have kids. So, I took that has she didn't want me, so I kept my shut. Wishing I'd hadn't done that know, there is no changing the past what is done is done. So I'll just have to wonder through writing. Now, that I have wondering what could have been and how better off I might have been. I am now but no longer living the dream of dorm life. I have always wondered and imaged what dorm life would be like considering how fun it looks on TV. Well, the wondering is over and now it's a nightmare, definitely not the sweet dream I was hoping for. Procession check,(trigger warning) Suicidal Thoughts on a daily basis check, depression check, check, check and check. And all I was wondering what it would be like to live on my own and experience the dormlife. The living on my own part was a nightmare and the Residental Housing Association which I was apart of. Only did those who lived in fernish housing, on the eastside of campus, and Honor Society Floor got the traditional dormlife or if you lived in big building that required RA's on every floor then you get the dormlife. The rest of us not so much. It could have been that my RA wasn't putting in the effort to give us the dormlife or it could've been that the Residental Housing Association or RHA plays favorites. So, no dormlife, living all by myself is a night of horror. Now, I would like to stop wondering and figure out how to fix it. Possibly a roommate? I've always wondered what's that like and I have lived with other people before so having a roommate shouldn't be that bad. And it hasn't been, there are a few exceptions but aren't there always. Living with Roommates has most definitely been better than living by myself. So, now I don't have to wonder anymore. Other things that I have wondered about that became a reality, well I have heard about people being kicked out of their parent's house for identity and sexual orientation. I couldn't imagine what kind of pain and hurt they were going through from the betrayal of their parents. And of course, they tell me that they became homeless as a result. So I kept on wondering and thinking about being kicked-out and becoming homeless. I know the odds thanks to my advocacy work. I figured, it was only matter of time before my dad it to me. He's done it to my mother, my sister and my cousin so why not to me, his one and only biological child. For a while, and for years I did all I could to keep him happy and satified to where I wouldn't have to worry but it was always in the back of mind, so I did the best I could, but soon I couldn't do it anymore, it just wasn't not worth it. I'd work my butt off for hours in the hot blazing sun getting sunburns only to have my dad be judgemental, critical, and to be guilt tripped for decision making. On top of that I am commutting between three different cities on public transit and loads of homework. Just didn't have the time to work on the garden anymore and I was getting exhausted. I do school during the week and want to rest during the weekend. Not with dad, he'll want me to work in the garden. If I don't he'll get mad and verbally abuses and he'll complain as always. I just couldn't do it, it was no longer physically and emotionally possible for me. So, I just stopped doing anything around the house started avoiding him as much as possible. As well as doing and focusing on homework. Everything got harder since COVID-19 and I was already struggling as it is in person. So taking online classes required more time and more energy which meant less time in garden. And that did not make him very happy at all, because that meant more for him and my dad does NOT like doing any kind of work. He wants everyone else to do the work for him, that anything involving including money. Now, that dad no longer had me to rely on he turned to my neighbor and best friends who literally lives accross the street from our house. Lauren, was always happy to help and often did it for me just to ease the tension between me and my dad, but even she couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore because of the amount of work my dad would give her. He'd give her sooo much work that she would be sore for the next few days. Now, anytime my dad ask for her help she'll give any excuse she can to get out it. With no longer getting any help from me and from lauren and our next door neighbor Bradley being completely unreliable my dad had no other choice but to do the work all on his own. Like, I said he was not happy with that and he is already a bitter, grumpy seventy years old man as it is. Eventually, dad became furious with me for not working that he kicked me out of the HOUSE! The house, that I was born in, the place where my mother went through hours of intense labor, yea that house. He told me as I was leaving from visiting for the weekend(it turned into a week and half because of poor visibility and air quality from all the wildfires here on the west coast). He told me don't come back until you do work or start helping around the house
What he really means is don't come back unless you decide to work yourself to the point of extreme exhaustion and possibly death. If it weren't for the fact that I have autism;therefore, being able/elegable to get into a residential home for high-functioning autistic people thanks to my Case Manager Deven through DDS(Developmental Disability Services). There is good chance I would be homeless right now. Lauren said I could stay with her if that were the case and she was the main reason why came down to Eugene since I moved in the Residental home anyways. Moving into the home gave me peace of mind and I no longer have to worry about being homeless there is the issue with not having SSI yet, but my case is currently pending(this is my fifth time applying for SSI).So, I am hoping I get it this time. But even with a place to stay and being much more healthy and nurturing environment, it still really hurt, in fact it hurt so much that my body went it into shock which I have been dealing with for the last two almost three weeks. I can probably stand without losing balance or getting and a headache. Have no energy, get nausea everytime I don't eat or move to fast. What's worse is he hasn't called to apologize which he'll never do any deny any all wrong doing. The first couple of days after the indecent was really rough and I was really depressed. I can't imagine and frankly I don't want to how it would be if I were homeless. I told my Uncle Jeff dad's older brother about it online and apparently he was pretty shocked by the whole thing that immediately after he called dad to where dad called me denying the fact that he did kick me out of the house. Luckily I had an appointment to go to so we didn't talk for long. I'd promise that I call him back and I haven't done it yet. To be honest I don't wanna call him back, heck I want nothing more to do with him and that was before he kicked me out. I'd tolerate him because I have no income, and no place to go. Now, I have a place and am currently waiting on the income. So there is no reason to have him in my life anymore. I know that sounds harsh, but my dad was my main stresser in life and it got to point of trying keep myself sane. I was losing it, being in that house stuck and with no place to go thanks to COVID-19. The communting as hard has it was, was the only escape besides Lauren's place where could get away, they provided me with safe place and dad didn't understand that and that was one of the main reasons why he kicked me out. Since I stop visiting and seeing my dad, I have found myself at peace, and tranquility. I am much more happier and less depress since I stop talking and visiting him. There is a part of me that wants to call but then there is a part of me that doesn't because the way I see it, if he wants me back in his life then he'll call me not the other way around. So, wondering about being kicked out of the house by parents, check, thats a reality. May the Gods, Goddesses and every holy thing on this earth forbid being a homeless from becoming a reality! So, I wondered and many things came true are now apart of my reality, there were good and bad things that came out of it, but longer do I have to wonder, because I lived it.