My name is Josiah Bhola Hillaire and this is my first time telling this story. I used to do boxing and judo as a child for self esteem and confidence, but I grew up in an abusive household. I remember having marks and bruises on my body, but not in places where people would see them. I had issues sleeping, issues trusting people and I had issues with mental health. I had three ex girlfriends, one of them who used to spit on me, pull my hair, call me out my name, etc. and I never told friends or family about my relationships because I don't want people in my business and because I grew up in an abusive household, I didn't want to subject to my exes to any abuse. I had my first drink at seventeen, but grew addicted to alcohol after a while. I hid my addictions from family and friends due to fear of judgment and I was ashamed. When I had a drink or two or more, it allowed me to get away from the traumas in my life. After a while, it affected my relationships and I knew I had to make a change and so I got clean cold turkey. I relapsed after an aunt died and it was horrific. She wasn't my biological aunt, but she claimed me as her nephew and I claimed her as my aunt and we were always family. I dealt with death so many times that I accepted it. The death of my childhood, the death of my relationships, the death of my loved ones, the death of my joy...death taught me that nothing lasts forever. I've been celibate for years and it's been on my nerves. Religion fucked up my views of sex and I WILL NEVER talk about my sexual experiences because that's no one's business. When my aunt died two years ago, a big part of me died and I was closer to death's door by drinking my sadness away. I'm proud to say that I've been clean again and that I'm still here. I overcame abuse, stuttering, mutism, dereliction, anxiety, depression, bullying, insomnia, hunger, reading comprehension issues and other shit. I grew up in a religious household where God was the center of our lives, but my faith was always in question because I never understood why God allowed me to go through trauma and abuse. I still read my Bible and pray and I believe in God, but my views of God changed. God to me represents love and I don't need a damn church or anyone to judge me. For years, I denied my sexuality and had people judge me and saying that God would send me to Hell and what I didn't realize was that I was living in Hell by denying my truth. The truth is that I don't label myself and that I love myself enough to accept the good, bad and ugly parts of me and I feel good in my own skin that you can't break me. I have severe trust issues and have had my heart broken by the ones I loved so many times that I'm not ready to go through that again. If you and or anyone you know are going through and or have been through trauma, please share. I wanted to share because I want to tell my story and I know I can't say too much, but I get to tell my story.










© Josiah Bhola Hillaire