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Journal - Entry Number 4 - (Dear old friend it’s all in God’s hands)…
Sunday, October 8, 2023
7:00 A.M
An Update to an Old Friend
Dear, Good Friend
There Is a lot to fill you in on so I did my best to summarize it since we can’t speak. I won't take too much of your time but check this real quick and see:
I write to keep my mental sane and it has helped me drastically. Inside I'm at peace and my mind is at ease but than the other side of me feels bleak. I hold it all in and try not to think about it, but than it hits me harder than a slap across the face as I try to sleep. I feel restless at times and all rested at the same time and thoughts randomly come in with aggression. Than I put some blame on it as if I were the one that could have prevent it. I reached out to you because I remember how we use to talk about things and how I felt at ease. I don't remember having this with anyone other than when you were by my side watching me cry as you came by because what seperated you and I, was a fire escape the day you move next door to mine. You came with no hesitation and proof to be a loyal friend to the end, but it was me who disappeared without any explanation in the end. You stood by and told me everything was going to be alright, and I faithfully believed you because you were the realest since day one. I'm not trying to rhym but I been getting better with my words in my head and it has helped me understand that it is what it is. It's in the past, but I can't right my wrongs without mentioning to you first. That I can't thank you enough for always being kind to me even when I disappeared. Not once, not twice, but three time’s throughout the years. I wasn’t there when your love one departed to heaven, but even worse I feel ashamed because I never said it when I should’ve said it. I wrote you a letter a few years back that I decided to tear down. I contemplating day after day whether I should have mailed it to you out. I struggle inside because I really though my life be great. I found a lady, got married, bought a car, I even rented a house. Turns out differences where more than we could both handle as we threw shots at one another while loud words being shout out. The love was there but it sure wasn’t in favor of us together as we rode through the rollercoaster we kept hitting heavy and thunderstorms altogether. She got ill suddenly and even worst it appears to be all over. Im hurting so much inside but I keep strong, a great front just so I don’t stumble and drown in my own sorrow. But at the end of the day is all up to God’s plan so I won’t crumble.
I am patiently waiting and I don’t like what the doctors and nurses have to say or have done. She spend days without eating while the cancer dried her out, and now she appears almost gone. At times I want to say so much that I even want to curse them all out. God told me to be patient but patience is soon to run out. I wish she wasn’t so hard headed because I feel much blame. Procrastinating from time to time knowing things were at steak. Had driven around from place to place searching for all types of options that were out there, and not going with any one of them earlier, was a mistake unforgiven, but than again only God forgives because truly humans do not. All I ask from the lord is that he gives her another shot. A chance at life once more so she can be with her kids if that. Even if I’m not in the photo shoot, I will just be glad that she is. Don’t misinterpret my intentions because my intuition is intact. We seperated but I know what’s best for her and let’s leave it at that. The one thing I do regret is telling my wife “I don’t love you”, because I know words hurt more than a physical sucker punch to the nose. You can heal from a nose bleed but not from a hole in the heart. At least not quickly enough for you to regenerate your feelings and thoughts. And sure my wife wasn’t perfect and we both hurt each other at times as a matter fact we hurt a lot. But I knew deep down she always loved me. Even in her own way she proudly let it be seen. May not have been the kind of love I needed but it did show indeed. When she went all out for me to cleanse my spirits, when I was down falling apart on my knees. She bled as I bled from the hurting and pain. She’d teared witnessing me draining away. She kept at it no matter what because she truly belived in all the spiritual crap that others thought her to be crazy and told her, “ Girl that isn’t of God, let that go”. Yet, she still kept her faith strong. In her heart she wasn’t doing anything wrong. I can’t lie, I put my trust and belived in her so I follow through. Got to feeling much better and so today I feel obligated to pursue.
The difference is, I understand how much she cared but I’m afraid is too late. She’s been admitted and for almost two months now the hospital has become her home. She is weaker than she’s ever been without anyone paying attention to her or looking in. I wanted them to feed her even though at times she refused. Doctors are suppose to help people, so why they do her wrong? They should had the least allow her mother to bring her some food, instead they take the privileges for a few days while she suffers confused. Meanwhile the cancer got the working and each cell remaining fighting and conquering the healthy soldiers in the frontline. Down one by one the defenses start to fall until my wife can’t longer hang on. I still want to belive she has a chance while she still breathing. It’s hard though, because even though I know God is with her, I know this world is evil and the enemy is bitter. The breath of life is still in her so I stay hopeful and focus because his plan is much bigger.
Now let’s take things back to you for a moment. The truth is I’m almost done from this exhaustion. I couldn’t find what you and I had with anyone else. Even with having my wife, that deep friendship that we were missing. I wanted it bad but you can’t force a change when the script has already been produced after being written. She is who she is and I accepted it. I couldn’t find that in her, but today I no longer care and rarely mention it because I may just realize we did have it, but it was a lot different. I was blind to see and so I question whether I did her wrong by committing to a relationship I never wanted from the start. “No way that is true”, I tell myself because love works in mysterious ways and just because is difficult doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t real or missing. We were just like different movie clips in our seasons together. Two opposites attract except one side didn’t agree with the other, so it tear down and snapped. Lack of communication and understanding seperated the two. It is what it lead to, yet together forever we bound to be there for one another until the end of the air that goes through each lung stops us from breathing. And I will be dam if I don’t do all I can do for her to stand up once more and walk with me. But friend of mine, I’m truly happy and glad for you. Glad that you found yourself the happy ending which suits you. As a matter of fact I probably have had some of that ending to, but didn’t want it the way she wanted it and that’s the truth. I’m truly glad that you found your plus one, that great bond understanding and whilling with converstions indicating, understanding, and communication being there. As some say communication is key and understanding comes with ease after. Someone that gives you their all and trust is hard to come by. But I had it all and yet I felt I didn’t. Perhaps I should had been more appreciative and saw things from her shoes and she should have done the same with me, yet it doesn’t matter because you only learn and get wiser with time, and so I no longer live with regret and I will learn more of that in due time. In a meantime I feel I made my peace with God and I like to make mines with my wife. I love her still even if the love wasn’t equal for the two, love comes in many ways so long it’s genuine and true. The reality of why I left The City in the first place was because of you. That portion of a friendship we share I never found it with anyone else and I suppose I always belived you and I were to be. Please don’t take this at heart I’m just here expressing, while also explaining my current situation. Because of my wife I learned to get closer to God and it helped cope with all my stresses. I’ve been blessed with a lot so I’m not blind from seeing the bigger picture but at this time I’m in need of much patience. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this about life, is that the true killer is stressing. So I write down my feelings and open the Bible from time to time. It has been a while since I read a verse but the proper time is always best in God’s time.
If this isn’t already a letter than I don’t know what it is. So, I suppose you’ll be getting one afterall at the very end. Glad you’re doing well for yourself, I suppose I really miss you even though it didn’t showed. This relationship with my wife and I was the closest I’ve gotten from the bond of you and I. I hope God forgives me and he understands my position. We may not have understood each other very well with missed opportunities of reconnecting, but perhaps I was selfish and naive. I could’ve been a better suitable husband for her and all. I just wanted to do it while being myself were she would accepted me for me. Unfortunately when someone wants you to be what they view as the perfect partner, it doesn’t always turn well indeed and that is not at all what I want, and what I need. That is why experience is require for you to learn from your mistakes and learning is something I do everyday.
I’m a born sinner so I will never be perfect because I will always need of God to remind me of the truth. That we have no control of things, so we need to leave it to him and make due. That is exactly what fathers do. They take away the weight of their children’s backs alleviating the pain. “Pain is love and love is pain”, and I can’t thank you enough for reading this, so you have yourself a nice day.
P.S. Just pray for me. Will you not? I need a lot of it at this moment in this time because I am just sitting here in standby. Here praying for a miracle from the one up above, that she returns to me home right where she belongs. 🙏
© Johnny Cigars
7:00 A.M
An Update to an Old Friend
Dear, Good Friend
There Is a lot to fill you in on so I did my best to summarize it since we can’t speak. I won't take too much of your time but check this real quick and see:
I write to keep my mental sane and it has helped me drastically. Inside I'm at peace and my mind is at ease but than the other side of me feels bleak. I hold it all in and try not to think about it, but than it hits me harder than a slap across the face as I try to sleep. I feel restless at times and all rested at the same time and thoughts randomly come in with aggression. Than I put some blame on it as if I were the one that could have prevent it. I reached out to you because I remember how we use to talk about things and how I felt at ease. I don't remember having this with anyone other than when you were by my side watching me cry as you came by because what seperated you and I, was a fire escape the day you move next door to mine. You came with no hesitation and proof to be a loyal friend to the end, but it was me who disappeared without any explanation in the end. You stood by and told me everything was going to be alright, and I faithfully believed you because you were the realest since day one. I'm not trying to rhym but I been getting better with my words in my head and it has helped me understand that it is what it is. It's in the past, but I can't right my wrongs without mentioning to you first. That I can't thank you enough for always being kind to me even when I disappeared. Not once, not twice, but three time’s throughout the years. I wasn’t there when your love one departed to heaven, but even worse I feel ashamed because I never said it when I should’ve said it. I wrote you a letter a few years back that I decided to tear down. I contemplating day after day whether I should have mailed it to you out. I struggle inside because I really though my life be great. I found a lady, got married, bought a car, I even rented a house. Turns out differences where more than we could both handle as we threw shots at one another while loud words being shout out. The love was there but it sure wasn’t in favor of us together as we rode through the rollercoaster we kept hitting heavy and thunderstorms altogether. She got ill suddenly and even worst it appears to be all over. Im hurting so much inside but I keep strong, a great front just so I don’t stumble and drown in my own sorrow. But at the end of the day is all up to God’s plan so I won’t crumble.
I am patiently waiting and I don’t like what the doctors and nurses have to say or have done. She spend days without eating while the cancer dried her out, and now she appears almost gone. At times I want to say so much that I even want to curse them all out. God told me to be patient but patience is soon to run out. I wish she wasn’t so hard headed because I feel much blame. Procrastinating from time to time knowing things were at steak. Had driven around from place to place searching for all types of options that were out there, and not going with any one of them earlier, was a mistake unforgiven, but than again only God forgives because truly humans do not. All I ask from the lord is that he gives her another shot. A chance at life once more so she can be with her kids if that. Even if I’m not in the photo shoot, I will just be glad that she is. Don’t misinterpret my intentions because my intuition is intact. We seperated but I know what’s best for her and let’s leave it at that. The one thing I do regret is telling my wife “I don’t love you”, because I know words hurt more than a physical sucker punch to the nose. You can heal from a nose bleed but not from a hole in the heart. At least not quickly enough for you to regenerate your feelings and thoughts. And sure my wife wasn’t perfect and we both hurt each other at times as a matter fact we hurt a lot. But I knew deep down she always loved me. Even in her own way she proudly let it be seen. May not have been the kind of love I needed but it did show indeed. When she went all out for me to cleanse my spirits, when I was down falling apart on my knees. She bled as I bled from the hurting and pain. She’d teared witnessing me draining away. She kept at it no matter what because she truly belived in all the spiritual crap that others thought her to be crazy and told her, “ Girl that isn’t of God, let that go”. Yet, she still kept her faith strong. In her heart she wasn’t doing anything wrong. I can’t lie, I put my trust and belived in her so I follow through. Got to feeling much better and so today I feel obligated to pursue.
The difference is, I understand how much she cared but I’m afraid is too late. She’s been admitted and for almost two months now the hospital has become her home. She is weaker than she’s ever been without anyone paying attention to her or looking in. I wanted them to feed her even though at times she refused. Doctors are suppose to help people, so why they do her wrong? They should had the least allow her mother to bring her some food, instead they take the privileges for a few days while she suffers confused. Meanwhile the cancer got the working and each cell remaining fighting and conquering the healthy soldiers in the frontline. Down one by one the defenses start to fall until my wife can’t longer hang on. I still want to belive she has a chance while she still breathing. It’s hard though, because even though I know God is with her, I know this world is evil and the enemy is bitter. The breath of life is still in her so I stay hopeful and focus because his plan is much bigger.
Now let’s take things back to you for a moment. The truth is I’m almost done from this exhaustion. I couldn’t find what you and I had with anyone else. Even with having my wife, that deep friendship that we were missing. I wanted it bad but you can’t force a change when the script has already been produced after being written. She is who she is and I accepted it. I couldn’t find that in her, but today I no longer care and rarely mention it because I may just realize we did have it, but it was a lot different. I was blind to see and so I question whether I did her wrong by committing to a relationship I never wanted from the start. “No way that is true”, I tell myself because love works in mysterious ways and just because is difficult doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t real or missing. We were just like different movie clips in our seasons together. Two opposites attract except one side didn’t agree with the other, so it tear down and snapped. Lack of communication and understanding seperated the two. It is what it lead to, yet together forever we bound to be there for one another until the end of the air that goes through each lung stops us from breathing. And I will be dam if I don’t do all I can do for her to stand up once more and walk with me. But friend of mine, I’m truly happy and glad for you. Glad that you found yourself the happy ending which suits you. As a matter of fact I probably have had some of that ending to, but didn’t want it the way she wanted it and that’s the truth. I’m truly glad that you found your plus one, that great bond understanding and whilling with converstions indicating, understanding, and communication being there. As some say communication is key and understanding comes with ease after. Someone that gives you their all and trust is hard to come by. But I had it all and yet I felt I didn’t. Perhaps I should had been more appreciative and saw things from her shoes and she should have done the same with me, yet it doesn’t matter because you only learn and get wiser with time, and so I no longer live with regret and I will learn more of that in due time. In a meantime I feel I made my peace with God and I like to make mines with my wife. I love her still even if the love wasn’t equal for the two, love comes in many ways so long it’s genuine and true. The reality of why I left The City in the first place was because of you. That portion of a friendship we share I never found it with anyone else and I suppose I always belived you and I were to be. Please don’t take this at heart I’m just here expressing, while also explaining my current situation. Because of my wife I learned to get closer to God and it helped cope with all my stresses. I’ve been blessed with a lot so I’m not blind from seeing the bigger picture but at this time I’m in need of much patience. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this about life, is that the true killer is stressing. So I write down my feelings and open the Bible from time to time. It has been a while since I read a verse but the proper time is always best in God’s time.
If this isn’t already a letter than I don’t know what it is. So, I suppose you’ll be getting one afterall at the very end. Glad you’re doing well for yourself, I suppose I really miss you even though it didn’t showed. This relationship with my wife and I was the closest I’ve gotten from the bond of you and I. I hope God forgives me and he understands my position. We may not have understood each other very well with missed opportunities of reconnecting, but perhaps I was selfish and naive. I could’ve been a better suitable husband for her and all. I just wanted to do it while being myself were she would accepted me for me. Unfortunately when someone wants you to be what they view as the perfect partner, it doesn’t always turn well indeed and that is not at all what I want, and what I need. That is why experience is require for you to learn from your mistakes and learning is something I do everyday.
I’m a born sinner so I will never be perfect because I will always need of God to remind me of the truth. That we have no control of things, so we need to leave it to him and make due. That is exactly what fathers do. They take away the weight of their children’s backs alleviating the pain. “Pain is love and love is pain”, and I can’t thank you enough for reading this, so you have yourself a nice day.
P.S. Just pray for me. Will you not? I need a lot of it at this moment in this time because I am just sitting here in standby. Here praying for a miracle from the one up above, that she returns to me home right where she belongs. 🙏
© Johnny Cigars
