so as I start to explain a little background story of My Life when I was 15 I was raped by my mom's drug dealer and his friend. I became pregnant but didn't know it and I was using heavy amount of drugs to cope with what had happened to me so not knowing I was pregnant I then 5 months into being pregnant discovered and decided to stop using and by that time it was too late at 6 months along I had my daughter but unfortunately she was a stillborn born with no heartbeat and born too early sad part is is I was going to keep her even though she was conceived from the rape. now that I'm in my late 30s I have found out that I can no longer have children because of that rape in what they did to me I won't go into detail because it's bothersome to most to hear about but I will just say that they messed up my insides enough to where I can't carry so that being my only chance in life to have a child of my own it hurts me most deeply to see my brothers both be able to have children and not care for them the way they should one brother having 10 children now and only caring for the ones that are in his household which is two, three he signed over his rights too and five of them I believe he does not even see nor does he even talk to or mention ever. my other brother has four biological none of which he has seen in very very many years nor has he talked to unless he's in prison that's about the only time that he cares to try to have any relationship with them fortunately they're old enough now and understand that and see it for what it is and now want nothing to do with him. makes me sick that now the three kids that my oldest brother signed over his rights to the mother had lost permanent custody of and wasn't allowed to see them nor be around them ever again and they were then put in the custody of their mom's mom their grandmother and he recently was taken from her custody and put in state custody because of abuse physical emotional in neglect and a high amount of drug use that being the grandmother and the children that she supported and allowed makes me sick that after such thing happening and speaking with the kids that they are mother was around them and their mother was also doing drugs with them as well not only that but she was shooting them up with meth how could someone do such a thing to a child let alone their own child it makes me sick I have now tried to take custody of these children but then being in their late teens and having so many problems in their lives and growing up the way they have are having a lot of problems anger problems mental breakdowns they're very disrespectful and so on to where I cannot handle them even though I have tried so hard to it makes me sick that people are allowed to even have children let alone run their lives like this it's disgusting it's damaging permanently and people need to realize it it makes me sick did I grew up almost the same way and it is taking me to my late 30s to try and get a lock on myself and my life and the way I live it drug free finally my brother is in prison because of the drug use my other brothers and alcoholic because of the way we were raised and our parents being alcoholics as well it takes children their whole lives almost anyways to break free from these things you may think that it is temporary but it's not it took me from age 15 to my late 30s now to break free from this horrible disease it has ruined my life in so many ways I lost family I lost friends I stole I have a record which makes it a little harder to get a job I never finished school because of it which makes it even harder to find a job let alone do I feel I'm not educated enough myself and have to even ask my step kids questions all the time as to the meaning of something or how to do something and it's embarrassing. I hope that someday with my writing of my poetry and my short stories that I can help others become aware of the damage the drugs and people can do and I hope and pray that someday I can fully break Free from the damage that all these things have did to me. and the people that did them to me as well.

thank you
© jenniejesterapel