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SINCE DAY ONE
The growing painful years~
As many trials as we face on a daily ,weekly and yearly basis....No one ever truly knows your core...The pain shaped you that made you grow in a garden with no light....A flower to bloom within the worst of circumstances is a truly beautiful thing.!!" I grew up with the kind of parents who never would water me,give me light or hope...I had to find a way to blossom or die...To say that I never felt loved by my parents, who birthed me && who were in my everyday life as a child would be a complete understatement!!" I longed for their love and to have them proud of me...But that day as a kid, was still sooo very far ahead of me...Years and years away still....I never could see it as a genuine love that they would give me so freely tho...My heart couldn't see it ... I Soo desperately wanted to be Daddy's girl && Mommy's babygirl ...
But yet again I never got that pleasure of that given love that every child automatically feels....Just as you breathe air without thinking of doing it with every inhlae...A parents love is the same kind of pure,dying,real love...
It just happens && you don't have to question it or think about it repeatedly!!"...You don't long for it.. It's just there and with every breath you breathe ~ it's the exact same thing......A parents love is supposed to fill your life with breathes...I would give my last breathe for each and everyone of my 3" amazing, beautiful, sweet, funny, smart, talented, brave, strong, kind, wonderful kids....No hesitation or reservation....For my kids I would lay down and die 10million painful,dreadful deaths repeatedly....My kids are my breathes and I am theirs....&& They don't even know (((just like it should be))) you don't stop threw out the days and think about the air that fills your lungs.. it's just a given... A parents love is the same thing ~ it's supposed to be just an automatic overwhelming love.. My heart pours to this very day with pride and LOVE && a complete feeling of being the most blessed mommy in the world..Their my babies....My cherished treasures.....I tell my kids as much as I possibly can every single day without fail
"I love you" ......They will never know anything less then abundance of mommys heart...It's a natural instinct to love and protect your baby... your child... I never had that gift given...
I longed for it tho.... I truly did......
Since day one,&& my first day breathe I took I was never gonna have a easy journey....My path was going to be harder.....and it surely was........
Coming Home ~
My parents had me very young && not just their age but their maturity...Their understanding of what it really means to be a mom && dad was lacking alot....My mom was 19years old when she got pregnant with me && my dad was 17years old..
I'm one of those people who See's life's twist and turns with appreciation.
My mom had me one month before she turned 20years old..I had my first born,my beautiful daughter Jalissa,my heart and soul at 19 && 19days later I turned 20years old..But there was a big difference,I was married at 18yrs old..
My grandma had that mommy intuition ((just as every good mommy does))lol...She went into my mom's bedroom and looking in her closet, she there found 2months worth of pads..My mom said yeah I'm pregnant but I was scared to tell you... My Dad && Mom grew up together in the same little town of Goshen, california..
5houses apart..This is such a small town ~theres nothing to do,there's not even a walmart lol..You have 2"corner stores and some train tracks..My parents had been dating since she was 17years old && my dad 15yrs..They knew the baby they were about to have will be showered with love from family && friends they were ready...
.........But honestly....Were they??"..........
A New Day
August 20th1984 ~ Well hello there world.Here I am... Sabrina Marie Saiz...Born at 5:30pm well happy days was playing my mom infirmed me...One of her favorite shows... Coming home from the hospital my parents didn't live together because they weren't married && at that time my grandparents had been in church for over 20years..That wasn't an option unless they were married, which they were not..So as they get my down from the car and bring me into the house,My mom says here mom you take her..I dont want to sleep with her ok.. Later i would ask or comment on it because I honestly wanted to know why??" She would just laugh..My grandma tho,She was always a natural momma ..She knew it hurt me, why I my whole entire life slept with my grandma and not my own mom..Not that I wasn't grateful or love my grandma.. Because that was not even it..My grandma said ohh your mom was probably just scared you would stop breathing..So she had u sleep with me that first night home..
I remember this conversation so we'll, I look at my grandma like I'm not a kid anymore..I'm a mom know..Different mind..One night or 2 ok.sureee if that's what you wanna do I told her...but years.. I never slept with my mom in her bed,every in my life....And I had my own kids now..
My second beautiful babygirl Lorali was now born, She was a tiny lil doll when she was first born,and my son also..I had given birth to my last child a gorgeous little bundle of joy && love Marcos..So being the mommy of 3" there was no one in this world that could ever tell me differently..I still to this very day check if there breathing my son every night because he's only 6years old..My beautiful daughters are teenagers 14 && 15years old..And everytime STILL when they are sick I still make sure to check if they are breathing. Durning the night.its a nagging thought that just don't go away until you get up and check and see for yourself...I would feel better just checking.. People on both sides of our families My husbands and mine were extra excited because I was pregnant with the first grandkid on both sides..So everyone wanted to hold her and I just wanted my baby in my arms...I didn't care if it was my mom, grandma or husbands mom..Our sisters..With all our kids our families where very hands on..I wanted to hold my own babies..lol.. I loved it..I couldn't get enough of them..It was the best feeling in the whole world..Each and every single time. It was a happiness && pure joy and True love...Those were my babies lol..My heart was overflowing... That's not the same story as my mom and I had together tho. My mom didn't even want me in the bed next to her..She didn't get up for feedings, && burpings.. Late night changes or daytime changes either. When I was sick and crying my mom didn't get up to check on me..Even tho she would tell my grandma I heated Sabrina cry all last night..Yeah shes sick my grandma answered...This is Soo bizarre to me...I'm a mom so for the life of me this is something that really,truly still hurts me..All those times my grandma did all those things for me ~day in && day out ~our bond was being created and threw the years it was so strong..My mom didn't want to even peek her head in at night and check on the baby she just brought home from the hospital??" she heared her child crying..I can't understand...A mom's && daughter & son to..There bond starts being created and its shaped during those early days,and early years..Those all nighters of feedings, burpings,and changing then repeat..That's the time you two share alone well the world sleeps and it's just mommy and baby time..Those nights were Soo special to me..My mom literally made a choice..all on her own..To not raise me.. not be a mom to me..She didn't care after me or tend to me..No nothing..I slept on my grandmas chest until I was 4months old and then she moved me into the drawer next to her.. Because she was feared I would roll..She didn't tell someone else here you take her..No she mothered me..She loved me..That's blows my heart AND mind away....I'm so thankful for her....
...... Another question that Ill have and forever will remain unanswered..........
Why
Looking back into my memory box,it completely breaks my heart that the first real memory I have of parents was when I was about 5ish && now my sister jennifer is born..We are 4years apart..My sister && I are laying down on the living room all nice and warm playing with our barbies && babydolls..Such a beautiful winters day..I've always loved the gloom..As we were playing and letting our imaginations play, having a sister is fun..She's my best friend..
My mom & dad pull up with my nino & 2"godbrothers,also their mom..But she isn't my nina..They were great friends of my parents..I see my mom & dad walking up so I run to open the front door...I remember their faces Soo happy..They were excited about something!!"Mommy, Daddy hi!!" I scream full of excitement.. Guess what my mom says....What I ask??" I sit down next to my sister on the floor waiting for the ((great news)) Were going to the mountains and the snow for the first time. My sister says build a snowman??" Yeahhh my dad quickly replies without hesitation...Were going to the snow for The whole day my mom adds.. Yeahhh I get up and start dancing,as any 5year old would.. && then it was as tho they had left that very door they had just walked threw completely open..A cold,sad feeling filled me.. Their faces...changed...no...
only jennifer..but we'll take you another time ok.. Wait!!" What do you mean Carol!!" My grandma is sitting there watching this whole thing unfold, my grandpa was sitting in the in the living room as well.. Because mom there's no room goshhh!!" Giving my grandma attitude!!" really!!" And then she quickly gets my sister && takes her back to the room,& gets her ready in some warm,snow clothes so fast.. Because my sister was going to have fun snow day today..and even tho I was soo sad. I was still Soo happy for her.. As they left, my parents didn't say one word to me.. I just sat there.. Frozen solid~just like that snowman they are going to build.. I couldn't move or say anything..So I didn't..I just sat.. && just like that they were all gone,on there family day.. All that remained were the barbies && babydolls that we were literally just Soo carefree moments ago playing together with...... My grandparents apologized & were so angry..I was the complete opposite..I was heart broken.. See what I struggled with for SOOOO many years & couldn't understand is...How they didn't want to parent me, to be my mommy & daddy but my sister was the exact & completely opposite...It was so easy for them...So much love just poured naturally as tho she was literally their first born..that was never my place..My parents for life of me..Didn't want me...My little heart broke for the first time in a way,no five year old can explain...I wasn't wanted...And that moment was the first of my journey that would define the rest of my life.. it was just the first future telling of what was coming my way .........
I LOVE YOU
Longing for a parents love & never being able no matter how effort your lil 5,6,7,8 year old self put in...Wasnt accepted....or Wanted...It has to be one of the saddest, lonely feelings.... Yes I had my Amazing,wonderful, sweet ,loving who give so much of there own selves to me grandparents...But as alil girl, I desperately craved and ached for my parents non existent love...To be my Daddy's girl was a dream I still held onto in my heart..I wanted to be Mommy's babygirl to... Growing up tho the relationship between my parents && myself felt like a brother, & sister..I've always said I felt that..Never to my parents tho..That would be the dummiest thing I could ever do..it would just further the distance that for whatever unknown reason to me,just had always been there......I honestly && I kid you not always believed that I was adopted..&& I promise to God around that age I just knew yuppp it's true..I'm adopted..When I was a baby everyone always asked my grandparents if I was chinese..Soo as a lil girl who already is having this disconnection from the people who created her then deserted her...Who then became great parents to my other 3"simblings..And being Soo young I'm sure I let my mind and heart feel that way .. Because my heart was protecting itself ..At least if I was adopted then there was a reason why they didn't want me..I was never their daughter it was just a lie...I think I would think about this Soo much during those days 5,6,7,8 then i really started to believe it..Because if not the truth would hurt sooo much!!" I always would ask all my family members..like always ALWAYS lol..
I never stopped trying to get close to them...In kindgsrten they were having a daddy~daughter soap box race..And one of the dad's came to the school he donated all the materials for the whole class....Tell your dad's kids..You guys aren't going to want to miss this....My mom would pick me from school everyday on a guys bike & I would sit on the handle bars..As she pulls up to the house I am sooo excited..I could picture it now..My dad and I would win 1st place!!" I run full speed inside yelling dad,dad?!" whatttt??" I pull out the paperwork and pictures and tell him what that kids dad said && I made sure he knew how much fun it was going to be!!" My dad was putting a swing up for my lil sister , in the backyard as I'm telling him all this..No,no,noooo I'm not doing all that.. then He tells me to pick up the toys off the floor..He has just finished up the swing and they all walk inside..I pick up the toys just completely empty..and sad...That was another day that my heart shattered..I tried several times threw out my elementary years because they did it every year..But of course we never did..
© SabrinaMarie
As many trials as we face on a daily ,weekly and yearly basis....No one ever truly knows your core...The pain shaped you that made you grow in a garden with no light....A flower to bloom within the worst of circumstances is a truly beautiful thing.!!" I grew up with the kind of parents who never would water me,give me light or hope...I had to find a way to blossom or die...To say that I never felt loved by my parents, who birthed me && who were in my everyday life as a child would be a complete understatement!!" I longed for their love and to have them proud of me...But that day as a kid, was still sooo very far ahead of me...Years and years away still....I never could see it as a genuine love that they would give me so freely tho...My heart couldn't see it ... I Soo desperately wanted to be Daddy's girl && Mommy's babygirl ...
But yet again I never got that pleasure of that given love that every child automatically feels....Just as you breathe air without thinking of doing it with every inhlae...A parents love is the same kind of pure,dying,real love...
It just happens && you don't have to question it or think about it repeatedly!!"...You don't long for it.. It's just there and with every breath you breathe ~ it's the exact same thing......A parents love is supposed to fill your life with breathes...I would give my last breathe for each and everyone of my 3" amazing, beautiful, sweet, funny, smart, talented, brave, strong, kind, wonderful kids....No hesitation or reservation....For my kids I would lay down and die 10million painful,dreadful deaths repeatedly....My kids are my breathes and I am theirs....&& They don't even know (((just like it should be))) you don't stop threw out the days and think about the air that fills your lungs.. it's just a given... A parents love is the same thing ~ it's supposed to be just an automatic overwhelming love.. My heart pours to this very day with pride and LOVE && a complete feeling of being the most blessed mommy in the world..Their my babies....My cherished treasures.....I tell my kids as much as I possibly can every single day without fail
"I love you" ......They will never know anything less then abundance of mommys heart...It's a natural instinct to love and protect your baby... your child... I never had that gift given...
I longed for it tho.... I truly did......
Since day one,&& my first day breathe I took I was never gonna have a easy journey....My path was going to be harder.....and it surely was........
Coming Home ~
My parents had me very young && not just their age but their maturity...Their understanding of what it really means to be a mom && dad was lacking alot....My mom was 19years old when she got pregnant with me && my dad was 17years old..
I'm one of those people who See's life's twist and turns with appreciation.
My mom had me one month before she turned 20years old..I had my first born,my beautiful daughter Jalissa,my heart and soul at 19 && 19days later I turned 20years old..But there was a big difference,I was married at 18yrs old..
My grandma had that mommy intuition ((just as every good mommy does))lol...She went into my mom's bedroom and looking in her closet, she there found 2months worth of pads..My mom said yeah I'm pregnant but I was scared to tell you... My Dad && Mom grew up together in the same little town of Goshen, california..
5houses apart..This is such a small town ~theres nothing to do,there's not even a walmart lol..You have 2"corner stores and some train tracks..My parents had been dating since she was 17years old && my dad 15yrs..They knew the baby they were about to have will be showered with love from family && friends they were ready...
.........But honestly....Were they??"..........
A New Day
August 20th1984 ~ Well hello there world.Here I am... Sabrina Marie Saiz...Born at 5:30pm well happy days was playing my mom infirmed me...One of her favorite shows... Coming home from the hospital my parents didn't live together because they weren't married && at that time my grandparents had been in church for over 20years..That wasn't an option unless they were married, which they were not..So as they get my down from the car and bring me into the house,My mom says here mom you take her..I dont want to sleep with her ok.. Later i would ask or comment on it because I honestly wanted to know why??" She would just laugh..My grandma tho,She was always a natural momma ..She knew it hurt me, why I my whole entire life slept with my grandma and not my own mom..Not that I wasn't grateful or love my grandma.. Because that was not even it..My grandma said ohh your mom was probably just scared you would stop breathing..So she had u sleep with me that first night home..
I remember this conversation so we'll, I look at my grandma like I'm not a kid anymore..I'm a mom know..Different mind..One night or 2 ok.sureee if that's what you wanna do I told her...but years.. I never slept with my mom in her bed,every in my life....And I had my own kids now..
My second beautiful babygirl Lorali was now born, She was a tiny lil doll when she was first born,and my son also..I had given birth to my last child a gorgeous little bundle of joy && love Marcos..So being the mommy of 3" there was no one in this world that could ever tell me differently..I still to this very day check if there breathing my son every night because he's only 6years old..My beautiful daughters are teenagers 14 && 15years old..And everytime STILL when they are sick I still make sure to check if they are breathing. Durning the night.its a nagging thought that just don't go away until you get up and check and see for yourself...I would feel better just checking.. People on both sides of our families My husbands and mine were extra excited because I was pregnant with the first grandkid on both sides..So everyone wanted to hold her and I just wanted my baby in my arms...I didn't care if it was my mom, grandma or husbands mom..Our sisters..With all our kids our families where very hands on..I wanted to hold my own babies..lol.. I loved it..I couldn't get enough of them..It was the best feeling in the whole world..Each and every single time. It was a happiness && pure joy and True love...Those were my babies lol..My heart was overflowing... That's not the same story as my mom and I had together tho. My mom didn't even want me in the bed next to her..She didn't get up for feedings, && burpings.. Late night changes or daytime changes either. When I was sick and crying my mom didn't get up to check on me..Even tho she would tell my grandma I heated Sabrina cry all last night..Yeah shes sick my grandma answered...This is Soo bizarre to me...I'm a mom so for the life of me this is something that really,truly still hurts me..All those times my grandma did all those things for me ~day in && day out ~our bond was being created and threw the years it was so strong..My mom didn't want to even peek her head in at night and check on the baby she just brought home from the hospital??" she heared her child crying..I can't understand...A mom's && daughter & son to..There bond starts being created and its shaped during those early days,and early years..Those all nighters of feedings, burpings,and changing then repeat..That's the time you two share alone well the world sleeps and it's just mommy and baby time..Those nights were Soo special to me..My mom literally made a choice..all on her own..To not raise me.. not be a mom to me..She didn't care after me or tend to me..No nothing..I slept on my grandmas chest until I was 4months old and then she moved me into the drawer next to her.. Because she was feared I would roll..She didn't tell someone else here you take her..No she mothered me..She loved me..That's blows my heart AND mind away....I'm so thankful for her....
...... Another question that Ill have and forever will remain unanswered..........
Why
Looking back into my memory box,it completely breaks my heart that the first real memory I have of parents was when I was about 5ish && now my sister jennifer is born..We are 4years apart..My sister && I are laying down on the living room all nice and warm playing with our barbies && babydolls..Such a beautiful winters day..I've always loved the gloom..As we were playing and letting our imaginations play, having a sister is fun..She's my best friend..
My mom & dad pull up with my nino & 2"godbrothers,also their mom..But she isn't my nina..They were great friends of my parents..I see my mom & dad walking up so I run to open the front door...I remember their faces Soo happy..They were excited about something!!"Mommy, Daddy hi!!" I scream full of excitement.. Guess what my mom says....What I ask??" I sit down next to my sister on the floor waiting for the ((great news)) Were going to the mountains and the snow for the first time. My sister says build a snowman??" Yeahhh my dad quickly replies without hesitation...Were going to the snow for The whole day my mom adds.. Yeahhh I get up and start dancing,as any 5year old would.. && then it was as tho they had left that very door they had just walked threw completely open..A cold,sad feeling filled me.. Their faces...changed...no...
only jennifer..but we'll take you another time ok.. Wait!!" What do you mean Carol!!" My grandma is sitting there watching this whole thing unfold, my grandpa was sitting in the in the living room as well.. Because mom there's no room goshhh!!" Giving my grandma attitude!!" really!!" And then she quickly gets my sister && takes her back to the room,& gets her ready in some warm,snow clothes so fast.. Because my sister was going to have fun snow day today..and even tho I was soo sad. I was still Soo happy for her.. As they left, my parents didn't say one word to me.. I just sat there.. Frozen solid~just like that snowman they are going to build.. I couldn't move or say anything..So I didn't..I just sat.. && just like that they were all gone,on there family day.. All that remained were the barbies && babydolls that we were literally just Soo carefree moments ago playing together with...... My grandparents apologized & were so angry..I was the complete opposite..I was heart broken.. See what I struggled with for SOOOO many years & couldn't understand is...How they didn't want to parent me, to be my mommy & daddy but my sister was the exact & completely opposite...It was so easy for them...So much love just poured naturally as tho she was literally their first born..that was never my place..My parents for life of me..Didn't want me...My little heart broke for the first time in a way,no five year old can explain...I wasn't wanted...And that moment was the first of my journey that would define the rest of my life.. it was just the first future telling of what was coming my way .........
I LOVE YOU
Longing for a parents love & never being able no matter how effort your lil 5,6,7,8 year old self put in...Wasnt accepted....or Wanted...It has to be one of the saddest, lonely feelings.... Yes I had my Amazing,wonderful, sweet ,loving who give so much of there own selves to me grandparents...But as alil girl, I desperately craved and ached for my parents non existent love...To be my Daddy's girl was a dream I still held onto in my heart..I wanted to be Mommy's babygirl to... Growing up tho the relationship between my parents && myself felt like a brother, & sister..I've always said I felt that..Never to my parents tho..That would be the dummiest thing I could ever do..it would just further the distance that for whatever unknown reason to me,just had always been there......I honestly && I kid you not always believed that I was adopted..&& I promise to God around that age I just knew yuppp it's true..I'm adopted..When I was a baby everyone always asked my grandparents if I was chinese..Soo as a lil girl who already is having this disconnection from the people who created her then deserted her...Who then became great parents to my other 3"simblings..And being Soo young I'm sure I let my mind and heart feel that way .. Because my heart was protecting itself ..At least if I was adopted then there was a reason why they didn't want me..I was never their daughter it was just a lie...I think I would think about this Soo much during those days 5,6,7,8 then i really started to believe it..Because if not the truth would hurt sooo much!!" I always would ask all my family members..like always ALWAYS lol..
I never stopped trying to get close to them...In kindgsrten they were having a daddy~daughter soap box race..And one of the dad's came to the school he donated all the materials for the whole class....Tell your dad's kids..You guys aren't going to want to miss this....My mom would pick me from school everyday on a guys bike & I would sit on the handle bars..As she pulls up to the house I am sooo excited..I could picture it now..My dad and I would win 1st place!!" I run full speed inside yelling dad,dad?!" whatttt??" I pull out the paperwork and pictures and tell him what that kids dad said && I made sure he knew how much fun it was going to be!!" My dad was putting a swing up for my lil sister , in the backyard as I'm telling him all this..No,no,noooo I'm not doing all that.. then He tells me to pick up the toys off the floor..He has just finished up the swing and they all walk inside..I pick up the toys just completely empty..and sad...That was another day that my heart shattered..I tried several times threw out my elementary years because they did it every year..But of course we never did..
© SabrinaMarie
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