So, I'll start with my image on relations. You see I've always been curious and observing towards everything and that includes my emotions. So when I thought I had a crush on my cousin, I was seriously set back by the way another cousin (female) of mine behaved (I found out it was what we called lust not love).

So my search began. My curiosity of who I'll marry and who I'll fall in love with made me think for months. All the while I decided to set some constraints. Which were as follows.

1. Not to engage in sexual relations before marriage, since Islam doesn't allow it
2. To fall in love after I get married, since my parents will be the one who'll find a bride for me.

Now my thought processing lead me to the deduction that if I interact with a girl, I'll get close to her and that might violate rule 2 at some point (yeah my heart would start making a family pretty soon, shitty heart). So I decided to
distance myself from all females (changed it later I'll tell you why in a second).

But since I was bound to start getting feelsies at some point for any girl, I decided to counter that with an imaginary girl. Someone with no face (since that would defeat the purpose of creating her) but a personality (who I called Sana), it would be a perfect solution (only if). The problem was that creating a personality would lead me to not accept a girl my parents would choose for me if she didn't resemble Sana.

So I decided to make her as close to what my parents would choose as possible (adding some of my own requirements too). Which were
1. She would be a Muslim (since I'm one)
2. She would be the same age as me (Its something I'd like)
3. She would be from the Charsadda (my ancestral village)
4. She would have been brought up in Peshawar (my city where I was brought up)
5. She would have completed 16 years of education (Just me)

So any girl who doesn't fit those requirements wouldn't be in my radar for a wife and can be Interacted with. Although compliance of rule 2 (not falling in love) would require strict control of how interaction occurs (we aren't allowed to interact freely with stranger females here anyway, vice versa goes too).

THIS SANA WAS TO HELP ME STAY PURE TILL I MET MY REAL WIFE. FOR WHOM I WAS AND AM TO STAY CLEAN.

This is where it actually starts, you see when we interact with people we create an image of them in our mind and that image is what their existence is. So things like God, Air, That uncle you never met but heard about exist in our mind but not in the physical world. Yet still we feel for them, we feel sad for some fictional character who never existed but his image does when he dies.

The same happened with Sana, I did fall in love but with a personality that never talked back. With a mannequin who I sculpted, who would never love me back. With a silver lining in the clouds that was meant to be my hope till I met the real Sana, my real love. Alas the hole inside of me they called love wanted love in return.
And since a mannequin doesn't have the warmth of the actual being, it hurt and hurt it did.

And so

My only happiness
Made me cry.....


DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'm still clean and follow the ideals I made. But its just that it still hurts really.